Only here because of other people...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rawr, Feb 11, 2008.

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  1. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    I only feel like i am still on this earth because of other people. But it isnt a good thing. I already feel so much guilt for things, alot more than i probably should feel and i think that if i did it i would feel more and i couldnt leave my mum and everyone to deal with it and i dont no where i would do it cause i wouldnt want no one in my family to find me. And we have just found out my nan has cancer so everyone is going to be dealing with that, and i feel like i aint going to be able to take it and it is going to tip me over the edge.
    I just really dont the point of life. I mean it seem's you can have it really good or if you have it bad, you have it really bad. I do feel like i have it really bad, i am sure there is someone out there who has it worse than me it just doesnt feel like it.
    I dony belive in God anymore, not sure if i ever did, i didnt really know what or who God was when i was younger and my mum told me to belive in him but now i dont have that faith. I kind of wish i had cause even though i personally think God isnt real it seem's a good thing to belive in :wink: But i cant pretend to or not say what i do really think about God and Religion.
    But i sort of feel like i am only still here cause i am waiting for a miricale, not to do with God or anything, but i am never going to find one and once it really hits me that i am not i dont know what i will do.
    I just dont see why i should stay here with all this pain and misery and hate when i could just end it all but there are stuff stopping me, which are stupid stuff cause i am living for other people not for myself anymore. I just dont want to be. I am so confused about everything.
    Sorry for rambling i just needed somewhere to vent my thoughts. :rolleyes:
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're the miracle rawr! You face so many pains and emotions everyday but still have the fight to be here for another day!! And there may or may not be a God, but there are angels. They are here at SF. Let them help you through your tough days. I think a lot of us feel the same way, we are living for others and not ourselves. So look at it this way, be grateful that you have others in your life. Keep holding on for them and slowly you can change it around so that you are living for yourself too. Hang on rawr
  3. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Thanks :)

    Yeh but i dont wanna fight anymore i should have to fight everyday to stay alive.

    Everything is just so blury..i already feel like i have given up and i am just pretty much 'whatever' to everything. It's like i am here but i am not really living.

    I am just really confused about everything, and kind of overwhealmed i guess i can call it..i dont know anymore.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know exactly how you feel. Today I told my pdoc that I don't want to be dead, but need to be dead. The response? Well you're still here, you're living. I said if living means breathing, then yeah. But that's all, no "life" left in me. I'm here for my kids, my parents, my friends, but not for me. And I hate it. But while I am still breathing, it atleast gives me something or someone else to focus on so my own pain isn't so bad at that moment. And I guess I'm hoping in those moments that I'm not feeling totally suicidal, that one of the others will be able to find a new reason for me to want to live. I just don't have the energy left to do it on my own anymore. I hope that one of the others is able to do that for you too! You sound like me, it's easier to hold my head down and look at the bottom, than to hold my head up and look for a future. But something has got to come along that will make things easier, give us a future to look for. Just take a break for now. Stop trying so hard let go and just rest at where you are right now.
  5. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Yeh people never take me seriously when i say i dont wanna be here..i wanna die..they think it's what every teenager is like but they just dont like admiting there is a problem and just choose to ignore it

    Yeh i know what you mean..i dont feel like i have any energy left i just wanna go. I feel like when i realise there is no miracle then i wont have no hope at all left and then i will feel even worse than i do now.

    It feel's like i am dragging myself through everyday but i'm not reallly sure why. I guess it is for the family that care but things are going to get a whole lot worse as we have just had some bad news and i am not sure if i am going to be able to deal, and my mum is going to need me to be there for her even more than she needs me now and i hate to be needed by her.
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