only one thing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Sep 29, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    It's sad that the only thing that keeps me safe from harm is that I'll lose my apartment if i do it one more time. I've been using coping skills such as grounding where i tell myself that I'm safe right now cuz there's no plan right now. However i believe that if i feel so bad that i really don't care anymore and i do have access to something, i probably do it again. I just don't want to survive it though. In the meantime, I'm hanging on there. It's only a matter of time.
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Why should I even care if I lose my apartment? I can always go back to a personal care home. I've been in them for 15 years. However, it will be a setback to me since I've worked so hard to have my own place. I think if my suicical ideations and depression don't go away by the 3rd, (that's when I pay my bills so they won't be late) then I will check myself into the hospital again. I have nothing to live for, just because other people want me alive, but I really don't care. I had an out-of-body experience where my spirit flew out from me for a second and I've seen bright lights with my family's faces telling me "hi". Weird. Hopefully, I'll get through this and last for a little while until I get like this again. It's been a battle for me since I was 15 and now and 44. Some say enough is enough. Don't you get the message that you're not ready to go? I just wait until I'm ready to go. I'm not afraid of death anymore. It's a relief for me. Hope I don't get censored cuz I shared this. It's just my thoughts. I have no real friends. Everyone carries on with their lives, regardless how bad their lives had been. Why can't I be like that? I'm such a coward because I can't take emotional pain. I'm so apathetic towards everything. If I had children, or if I had at least a boyfriend, I probably would want to hang in there for the purpose of enjoying watching my children grow up and the love my boyfriend could give me. However, I have neither. I wish I have a plan and end it all. I just can't think of anything and I'm not actively searching for one either. For some, they will be glad about that. I just haven't thought of anything yet and I haven't gone out of the way to get that or do something definitely. I'm just afraid of surviving. Who gives a damn anyway? If that's how I want to end my life, then let it be! Life goes on with or without me. I just don't see why I have to live. I'm a serious case because I have had many failed suicide attempts in my past and when I get suicidal for awhile, I usually end up doing it. Like I said, it's just a matter of the perfect time. Like a perfect crime. I'm venting cuz I'm so sad. I know many others are struggling too and trying to go on living. I'm in just the same boat. Good luck to all of them, including me.
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    People who know me now probably just think, "well, here she goes again". Well, I wouldn't have to repeat myself if I didn't live anymore. There's nobody who can talk to me when I'm depressed and suicidal except this forum. How sad. Anyway, I wouldn't want to burden anyone with my issues so I vent here because nobody really knows me. My future is totally up to me and I don't see a future. I'm in the fog. Just living for someone else doesn't cut it. I'm so lonely and just wish someone could talk to me right now. Tomorrow I have group therapy and I'll probably tell them how shitty I felt this weekend and maybe they can distract me, at least for a little while. That's just it. Wait awhile until I feel better. I just hate this cycle I go through. It's probably part of my mental illness. The way it looks, I'm probably going back to the hospital. What a pathetic life. I hate it.
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    the life you built up is admirable, despite all the problems. don't lose it!
    positive thoughts your way
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to hang on. It's just so hard when you're depressed.
     
  6. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i know!
    grasping to all tiny hopes but then everything is so huge and overwhelming and not hopeful at all.
    be strong though
     
  7. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I know. We've all had times that we lose hope but it's good that clinging on to hope can keep us going.
     
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