I'm glad that therapy helps, but you need to be completely honest with them about what is going on for you. I know that it is really hard, and you probably don't want to, but the only way the can provide the adequate support is if they know the full story. I understand that hospitalization isn't what you want, but if it relieves this pain, and you are supported by professionals who can give you the support you need and help you find tools within yourself to cope with this and move on, surely that is for the best? Also, they only use hospitalization as a last resort, maybe they would be able to offer something besides that in a bid to keep you safe? I am so sorry you are hurting.. I know it is so difficult, but please try and reach out for support.