only one way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jake22, Jan 29, 2014.

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  1. jake22

    jake22 New Member

    So this is my story, im 26 now , when I was 18 me and a group of friends were away visiting a festival it was summer and really hot so we decided to go to the river that was near were we were camping to cool off before we went out for the evening, im a strong swimer so I went in first followed my the other 9. After a while I noticed one of my best mates was upstream siting on a rock and not really joining in so I swam up and asked him to come anx joi us, looking back I can see that he wasnt comfortable but still asked him to come and join in, I made a point of telling him that everything was safe and he would be ok and I swam away. Shortly after I heard him shouting and I could see him struggling in the water so I swam over as quick as I could by the time I got there another friend was trying to calm him down and help him but if wasnt working. 3 times I dived under the wated to pull him back up each time I did he was pushing himself out of the water by pushing on my shoulders. By the third time I was struggling to breath but when he went under again I dived down but I wasnt strong enough to pull him again so I letgo to swim away. I still remember his face as I swam to the surface. My other friend asked me where he was but I couldnt answer only point I felt like my legs had frozen and I was so scared I just couldnt move . I knew what had happend at that momment that I had just let one of my best friends drown to save myself. Since then ive always felt guilty ive looked for ways to distract myself. Im always thinking about when I can get my next alcoholic drink something which now turns me violent to those a round me. Ive had a long term girlfriend who I cant tell how I feel ive even been cheating on her and seeing another girl for the last year , when im with the other girl it takes my mind off things when im alone im always crying out of shame and guilt and to make it worse she is now pregnant with my child.
    Ive never felt as low as I do now ive already*caused 1 death and now I either have to choose my beautiful girlfriend or my unborn child. Death is the only way I feel like I can stop having the dreams I have and the feeling of guilt shame and failure I dont want to feel like this but there is no other way I can see, ive written a letter to parents which I can leave for them and ive decided on a spot to finish everything*
     
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Jake there is another alternative than doing suicide. Better to reach out for some professional help to help you deal with all of this.. Looking at your username think you are still very young.. Way to young to just end it now.

    Been where you are with all the guilt, remorse and feelings.. I got some experienced help and it changed me a lot for the better.. That was 45 yrs ago.. Please try to get some help...
     
  3. jake22

    jake22 New Member

    Thanks. I know I should talk to somebody but I dont see how anybody can help, ive messed my whole life up and feel like im better off dead
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Jake you can get help and things can be better they can Please talk to your doctor ok or someone you trust and let them know how your feeling You deserve help ok support and it is there please call someone crisis line will guide you to a place of support in your area hugs
     
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Jake you did all you could to save your friend short of you dying also.. You should not feel guilty about that!!!

    Trained professionals can help... Please give it a chance...
     
  6. jake22

    jake22 New Member

    So after a lot of thinking I decided to go and see my doctor last Thursday. I told him exactly how I felt it was difficult but I was completely honest with him. He referred me to see a phycologist for a emergency assessment she then decided that I was unsafe and I was a high suicide risk , within a few hours of speaking to the doctor I was admitted to the local hospital and into the mental illness ward. Ive been assessed there and diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I was discharged last night. This week
    Every day I have home care coming out to assess me and see how I am. Shortly I will be beginning therapy to help issues such as self loathing changing the way i deal with issues and changing the way I feel . Im still not in a happy place but for the first time I can see a different way to go. .I just want to thank those of you That supported me on here.
     
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