Only one way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hopeless&Useless, Jan 11, 2015.

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  1. I've been having these thoughts for awhile now. Especially the last month. IHonestly, I probably would have done it by now if I could find the right time. I am trapped in a terrible marriage. My husband hates me, he abuses me (periodically), he has nothing good to say about me. My teenage daughter hates me. My mom says I was the biggest mistake she ever made. In actuality, I'm not sure I've even been wanted. I can't leave my husband because I fucked up really young. I dropped out of high school and was married and pregnant at 18. I've never worked. If I leave, the kids and I will starve. I'm 34 and I've wasted my whole life. My kids would be better off without me. I just want it over. I've felt this way since I was a teenager. I'm just tired of waiting and praying that the day will just come. If I'm being honest, I don't think I had the guts beforehand, but I think I do now. The only reason I'm asking for help is because I know I'm going to end up doing it but I can't stand the thoughts of the people I love finding me. I can't stand the thought of hurting my kids or leaving my innocent baby boy. I don't know where to turn. I've planned it all out and I think I'm scared that I will actually get the guts to do it this time. I know if I had been given the chance, I probably would have by now but I never have any time alone.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You feel alone at the moment but I plead with you not to act on your feelings.

    The verbal abuse you suffer is not nice and causes you to feel low. You need to.consider the impact on your kids if they are of a younger age. Your main priority is your own safety. You are still young and have the resting your life to live.

    Please remember you are not alone and I'm glad you joined this forum as we can help you with support you need to have. At the moment it's a case of battling through one day at a time. I know it's.hard but please be strong. Please keep posting for the support you richly deserve. Take care and be safe.
  3. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    I felt really moved when I read your words because it seems so close to how I felt.
    I am not done planning everything out.
    I have to make everything in order so my family don't have to take care about funerals, about money, about papers and those idiots things the governements always ask the family to take care about when all the people should have to deal with is the ...

    ... so far when I think about it I always wish I had no family. An orphan that no one would miss.

    I understand how you feel with a life you think didn't lead you anywhere, as it had always been a fight to live one day after another in the hope of one day something better will finally start to show up ... but it never had.

    I am 32 soon. No job, a small diploma no one care about, really, and nothing I have build or done in my life that could make anyone proud or anyone thinking it was good that I existed.

    I don't think I am helping. I don't know. I just want you to know you are not alone.
    It might doesn't make sens. But I just hope you will answer.
    You being there makes sens.
    Hold on that !
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2015
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Life matters and so do you. We all struggle but in our tough times but we must not loose the grip of life. People do care and that's.what matters in this cruel world. Nobody likes to talk about issues but reaching like you have, we can help you. There are billions of people on this planet and you reached out. I offer this virtual hand to give support through this tough time. You not alone, a stranger somewhere does care and surely that's a reason to live for.

    I understand you down and crying your heart out. It's ok to cry as it releases the emotions your feel. You are important and we help you through. Please remain calm and change your surroundings like going for a walk. At the moment your world is upside down and the next 24 hours are crucial. Please remain calm and keep posting for the emotional support you deservedly need.

    Remember we are here for you day and night. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND KEEP THINKING THAT.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2015
  5. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Go to your gp and tell him what's going on, he probably won't understand what your going through but will at least be able to offer you some anti-depressants and perhaps anti-anxiety meds. Try to find a psycho-therapist or similar either from your doc or if neccesary contact the local uni/college ask to speak to the psychology department and then ask them for a list of qualified people to talk to, they might have qualified people there for you to work with.
    Your in profound psychological pain, try to equate this with profound physical pain, for example if you saw a person with a very large knife stuck in them you would understand their decision making process, you have the psychological version. Also suicide would destroy your children and there is a great deal of evidence to support the belief that they then themselves would be at greater risk of suiciding sometime in the future. Like the previous poster said one day at a time, one second at a time if needed. God bless.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are not alone in getting to be mid 30's and finding your life is more pain than joy. While your life has not gone as you would have liked, you are wrong in thinking it is too late to fix. So many people start over in in their 30's and 40's and even later - and very often it works out very well they do find the life they wanted. You have experience now that you did not have at 17 and 18 when things started to go off track for you. While it is painful , it also has made you so much stronger than you feel right now.

    It does seem to happen far more often to women than men to be trapped in these situations. The early pregnancy robs you of finishing your education and an abusive partner intentionally traps you. I am not a women so I will not claim to know the challenges you faced first hand but I have seen it happen to people that were close to me. But i have also seen them fix it and go on to have a happy and fulfilling life.

    It is hard because you will have to use resources that are unfamiliar to you and the abuse has convinced you that you cannot do things but those are lies. Your teenage daughter does not hate you I would bet, but she has been raised in a household where treating you poorly was an acceptable and normal thing. If you were raised as a child in an abusive home it may be all you have known but I promise there is something else out there. There are actually a lot of resources to help you - to help you afford an apartment of your own, to help you get an education - 30's is not too old at all to get an education or to enroll in a training program to enable you to get a decent paying job.

    Stay here and talk to us here some, and let some people here give you some emotional support to give you the strength to at least try for a real life. It sounds like a lot of people have treated you very poorly in your life, but you do not need to do that to yourself now. You can give yourself a chance and there are people here and in your community, government programs, local charities- all that will help you if you give them a chance and if you give yourself a chance. I really hope you decide you are worth giving yourself a chance.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Talk to someone ok call a womens shelter talk to them there they too will help you get some resources you need to become independant and strong
    not just for you but they will help your children as well to heal teach them better ways to express their anger not what they have been taught by their father
    Just take that first step ok and talk to someone You are not alone and certainly you are not to old to start getting that education to get a well paying job
  8. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I am sure your daughter is trying to cope with the love she feels for you and the abuse she sees you suffer. For her at the moment it is easier and safer to express her anger at you instead of the situation or her dad. She doesn't understand why her dad is hurting you or why you accept it. As hard as it is to understand or see when it is happening to you the anger and "hate" she is expressing comes from the fact she cares and loves you.
    Please try contacting someone to find out what is out there that can help you and your kids. Sometimes just having a option is helpful. Stay strong for your children.
  9. Thanks everyone for your support. It's been really hard to deal with lately. I'm constantly waiting for the moment that I have the whole house to myself for enough time. I cry constantly, I find myself driving and hoping for a horrific accident. I do nothing but cry. My husband says that I'm a terrible mother and wife. I'm a b***h, I'm crazy, I'm f**ked in the head, I'm selfish, I'm lazy. I don't see any of that about me and it makes me wonder if I am actually crazy. He allows others (like his family) to talk poorly about me, yet if I say a bad word about his family, he snaps on me. He allows my daughter to call me a b***h and doesn't say a word. I don't get what I did that was so bad that I deserve to be treated like less than nothing. I may not be mother or wife of the year but I do my best. The only thing he likes about me is sex. It's the only thing he doesn't complain about or put me down for. Sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason he keeps me around.
  10. I do also want to add that I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. Apparently, it's not working anymore. I can't afford to go see a professional and our government paid professionals are a 6-8 month minimum wait time.
  11. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    From what you've written, you've done nothing wrong. With so many people constantly insulting you and critiquing you, it's easy to think *you're* the one with the problems. Others were right in suggesting you find out if there are any nearby shelters for women or support groups for abuse victims. You're going through so much and it's not right you should endure this by yourself. At least if you take steps in leaving, you'll have a good chance of enjoying the rest of your years.
  12. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    If people treat you poorly you will start to act miserable.
    And you might end up thinking you're the one being wrong and believng in such a way that it will be the image you show around even when not matching your action.

    They should give you strengh.
    They might not be satisfied with what they are either and are just trying to throw those unsatisfied feelings somewhere ...and since you're there not fighting it is easy this way.

    But that doesn't mean you're bad or wrong.
    You're fighting too, struggling.
    You already gone a long way and you're probably stronger than anyone who didn't go through all this.
    You're crying because you're still alive feeling pain, wanting to get out.
    hold on.
    There is probably someone or somewhere for you to go and start to build something for you, just for you. Because you deserve to also have something for you.
  13. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I understand the frustration with waiting to get help.
    Your husband sounds like he is very good at keeping control of you. It is amazing how much control we can give to someone else and then feel so inadequate. I just got out of a demeaning controlling relationship. I still check my inbox multiple times a day on the off chance or hope that my controlling Asperger syndrome ex will suddenly care. I know he will not but that doesn't lessen the pain I feel every time I look and nothing is there. I had to find and read about others in the same type of relationship as I was to finally understand I needed to end it. Just because we know what we have to do does not mean that is what our hearts want. It seems no matter how bad it gets we hold on to the dream of what it felt like at first, of what it should be.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You're going through some very complicated issues, I don't have any advice that has not already been given, but wanted to give you a :hug: and tell you things will get better!!
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you for replying back, YOU ARE NOT ANYTHING OF THINGS MENTIONED. Those words are an example of verbal emotional abuse and he is trying to control you. You are a human being and worthy of living. Please do not take those nasty comments to heart. They are just words but mentally destroy you as a person. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL WIFE AND MOTHER. Remember everyone has faults but that's life.

    YOU need to speak to someone about this verbal abuse as it's not right. Please remain calm and keep posting for the care you need at his traumatic time.
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