Only thing keeping me here is my dog

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Fenceguy2, Feb 28, 2016.

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  1. Fenceguy2

    Fenceguy2 New Member

    I am 47, tried every combination of anti depressants/anti anxiety pills over the last 25 years, 2 failed suicide attempts, one was a cry for help the other wasn't, I woke up after <mod edit - methods> and I was pissed!!!!!!
    That was 20 years ago, have ridden the antidepressant rollercoaster, managed to keep everyone at arms length, brother sisters parents friends, all because I know at some point I will succeed. Up until 8 years ago I had no idea when, was just taking it day by day, week by week y'all know the drill but on April 22 2008, my life changed when a baby chocolate lab came into my life. Little did I know at the time his importance ad he was amongst 8 others in my Sam's litter. 6 weeks later he got into some poisonous material, he was so close to death when we were at the vet, doc gave him a 50-50 chance, and to call in the morning.
    I went home and drank myself to sleep,crying like a baby, positive he wasn't going to make it. Next morning vet called, he was awake, active, eating drinking. :) I have never been so happy in my life. I picked him up and even though I had lots of phone calls wanting to buy a chocolate lab I couldn't sell him. We were inseparable, he comes to work with me, he ears with me, sleeps with me, for the first time I truly felt unconditional love for another creature. So the years have gone by, he makes my life relevant and important. I promised him I would never leave him. He's older now, greying like me, can't play as long or walk as far and I can see the end, looming ahead and I know I won't be able to take it. I tear up and bawl now just thinking about it. I spend at least half an hour a day just holding him talking to him rubbing his ears because I know one day I won't be able to, and I won't be able to live without him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2016
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sure when they day comes it will be very hard. I am an animal lover and my dogs mean the world to me as well. Like everything else though, we need to live in the present. If really want to live for the future then there is no need to commit suicide ever, because eventually we all die. Living in the present allows us to have our moments and to find happiness as opposed to looking for sorrow. The real world truth is just like there felt there was no way for things to get better before and they did, as long as you let it , when something bad happens, if you allow yourself the possibility, something else good will happen too.

    My avatar is my Romeo, when he has less than a year old. He is 9 now, and does not want to play fetch until my arm falls off anymore either. Good thing too, because I do not want to throw for 90 minutes anymore either, but we still have our walks and he is still happy to chase squirrels back into the trees. It is our quiet peaceful time to forget about problems for a while, and I'll be damned if I will spoil it by letting my mind wander from the good in front of me in the moment to try to see a negative years down the road.

    Some days the way I feel when waking up and the extra creeks I make getting out of bed, I suspect he will outlast me anyway, so certainly not worth my time to worry when we can enjoy our walk instead. At night if the thoughts come up, instead of focusing on the worst, ponder what you can do in the morning or next weekend instead of next year or 5 years from now. We have a lot of control of our thoughts if we choose to lead our mind instead of waiting to see where it leads us and believing we cannot change the direction.
    Jenumbra and sahel like this.
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I haven't gone through exactly what you have, but I know the love, the extended love of a forever animal from birth to death and waiting for it. When I was 13, one of four small orphaned kittens came into my life that I had to help bottle feed. From 13 to 30 Baggy stayed my constant companion. She watched me grow up, moved out into my first apartment with me, watched me get married, even saw both my children grow almost to school age. She tucked me in every night of her life. She comforted me, even when she was in too much pain to be comfortable herself. She was my soul mate. I miss her so much. What has helped me, is having rescued a few animals. I also have an elderly dog (now) Jax, a nine year old giant mutt, who I've had for nine years, and a few years ago adopted another dog, a hound mix, because I knew he was getting on in years.

    After Baggy had past away though, a while after, my vet ended up getting a small kitten that had to be bottle fed and needed a foster for the weekend. Guess who volunteered then couldn't help but adopt it.. Back to a three animal house.

    I guess the point is, what helped me, what helps me, is knowing there will be another animal there who will help mourn the loss. Jax mourned with me with Baggy. I think I spent more time trying to tell him it was ok then trying to tell myself I was.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I haven't been exactly where you are either. But I remember losing a pet, and only being able to cry at the time because it's all my emotions would let me do. I never thought I'd own another dog, didn't ever want to get attached to another one. But here I am, 8 years later, with a German Shepherd who's probably close to 10 years old and is my best friend.

    I hope you can focus on the time you do have left with your dog... you can still have some beautiful times together. When the unthinkable happens, it will hurt, there's no getting around that. But that doesn't mean you'll never smile again.
  5. KBambi

    KBambi Active Member

    I am the same way with my kitty baby, Cassius Clay, he's 18 now. Healthy 18 but still 18. He was found in a dumpster at about 1 week old & very sick. The person who had him brought him to me. I got him well, he went home, got sick again but this time I didn't give him back.

    We have been through so much together. He almost died on me as well after eating Asparagus Fern berries which are like arsenic to cats and dogs. And that wasn't the first or last time he scared the ..... out of me. Cat fights, infections, intestinal blockages, benign cysts.(He's been an indoor kitty for the last 4yrs) I have estimated he has cost me around $36,000 over 18yrs.

    I have had some pretty tragic things happen and he has been with me through it all. We've moved several times across country. Totally inseparable. He's my best friend. He's been my best friend for 18yrs.

    I've already told my husband to take me to hospital when he passes. I will be out of my mind.

    I totally get you
    CandleLight likes this.
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hi Fenceguy2, I sure can relate to your post. My dog has been my greatest comfort and a lifesaver, unconditional love is the greatest healer I know of. Thanks for sharing.
  7. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing. I have a Service Dog so she is literally always by my side. I know I will need to be taken to a psychiatric ward when she eventually passes. She is almost 11 and her arthritis can get bad.

    So my plan is to be sure my friend Chloe knows how to help me when my dog passes- Chloe will go the vet with me or sit with me, and then take me to the hospital right away.

    Also, if I had completed suicide in the past, I would never have met my dog. And the same goes for whichever dog I will *honor* my sweet dog with, by (eventually) lovingly adopting another when the time comes.

    No dog will ever replace my sweet girl, but I know another shelter dog will need a friend just like me, when we both can't bear any more grief (my grief of losing my dog, another dog's grief at being in an animal shelter).

    And lastly, I intend to go to a grief and loss support group in my area. I already have a lot of loss to talk about and process. I think group therapy or a therapist are going to be helpful to me. Do you have a therapist?
  8. Fenceguy2

    Fenceguy2 New Member

    Thank you everyone for sharing, it's nice to know there are people out there that are similar.

    I have considered telling my best friend to take me to a psyche ward when Chip is gone, but I don't know if I want to be saved.

    <mod edit - methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2016
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I hope you decide that you do want to be saved; whether you believe this or not, your life's worth saving.
    sahel and CandleLight like this.
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