Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Kaos General, Sep 8, 2010.
Whats your views? Anyone in one? Do you think they work?
They only work if you have a nonchalant approach to dating. Me personally, I couldn't bear the thought of somebody touching the person I love, and in turn I could not sleep around on the person I love. Simple as that really.
It may work for some people, and I would even be willing to accept it when it comes to long distance relationships because it can be awfully hard, but at the end of the day it's playing around with a lack of true committment. And that ain't me, man.
exactly the same view, here.
If it works without hurting either person and that is what both partners want- then all the power to them!
I've known a lot of people who have had/tried open relationships over the years. There seem to be four general scenarios:
1. The couple travel alot and sometimes spend months on end away from each other. In these cases, there's usually an agreed upon "don't ask don't tell" rule. One couple I know had the rule that they can only be with someone else if they aren't in the same time zone. This seems to have about a 50-50 shot of working out, but the couples I've known who do this don't seem to be very happy, even if they stay together.
2. One person in the couple is just fine with a monogamous relationship, but the other person wants their "sexual freedom", so the monogamous partner ends up caving into the open relationship deal out of fear of losing the other partner. The monogamous partner might test the waters once or twice, but in general they aren't really comfortable with the arrangement and try to hide (usually unsuccessfully) the fact that they're distressed by the other person's behavior. This usually tends to go south very quickly and usually either results in the end of the relationship or one person in the couple being miserable and too determined to hang onto the other person to leave, while the other person sleeps around. I've seen instances where this arrangement turned predatory, too, and the person who was sleeping around used it as an emotional weapon because they knew it upset the other partner.
3. Both people in the couple are somewhat disastified or bored with their sex life. Usually there are other problems in the relationship, too. They decide to shake things up by having an open relationship, sometimes on the theory that it'll be okay as long as certain "rules" are followed (the rules will go out the window almost immediately) and sometimes on the theory that if they have to compete for the other person's attention the way they did when they were dating, the relationship will be exciting again. The first couple of times someone "comes home late" is a little rough. Then it goes okay for a month or two. Then the jealousy hits, because Partner A is seeing too much of Person A for Partner B's comfort and Partner B is worried about being replaced. Partner A refuses to stop seeing Person A, because, after all, it's an open relationship and the other person is just being "jealous". So Partner B sleeps around even more to get back at Partner A and prove how desireable he/she is. This turns into a repetative cycle of anger, stress, and jealousy until neither partner ever wants to see the other one again.
4. Two people decide that they both want more out of their sex lives. They might try a threesome or something else "edgy" and see what happens, and if that goes okay, they'll explore some other things. Eventually, someone proposes an open relationship. They discuss it, set very specific rules about who can do what to whom, where, and how often and how much the other partner wants to know about it. Then, they actually follow those rules and immediately address any problems that arise, while remembering to actually spend the majority of their time with each other. This is, in my experience, the 1% of people who try open relationships.
I only know two people who have stayed together with a standing open relationship agreement. It's really hard to maintain. You almost have a better chance of success with a semi-permanent polyamorous relationship, because then everyone knows whats going on and there are, ideally, emotional connections between everyone involved.
That's been my experience with it anyway.
I'm in Attack Amazon's number 2 category at the moment. She's borderline so I'm fuxxored on a closed relationship with her (2/2 relationships so far are with borderlines, I learned many important lessons the first time), so I'm not even going to try. I don't expect this to go anywhere and I'm holding no expectations for the future, but right now we love eachother and I've no complaints. (And if it gets abusive I'll drop her like she's hot.)