open up.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by silentlyfading, Nov 29, 2013.

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  1. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Been signed up to this site for a few days now and it is helping so thankyou all. Thought it maybe helpful if I put down my thoughts here as I tend to hide my feelings so here goes.

    Ever since the age of about 9 I started to notice that I was different, I was concerning my self with things I didn't need to worry about I couldn't understand why all the other kids were so happy and could not see reality?. I remember telling my mum bout the things I could see around me and it really upset her, feeling guilty for making her cry I decided not to talk bout how I felt and pretended to be a normal happy child.

    It all started from there. When I first hit secondary school I was bullied because I was shot and even thou I had been boxing from a young age I let it happen.

    After about 6 months I completely flipped if anyone even looked at me the wrong way id hurt them and I dont just mean one punch, I only stopped when others stopped me. This continued all through high school the people I fought became bigger, older and more than just one person I had no fear. But no matter how many fights I had the anger didn't get less, it got worse.

    When I left school I decided to use my tallents to earn money. So I used to collect money, deal drugs and beat people up for a small fee. I had a name I was street famous everyone wanted to be my friend yet I felt empty.

    In the space of a week just as I turned 19 I was out of control. I was on bail for putting a guy in a coma he was on life support for over 3 months (he came round) my gf at the time attempted suicide killing my unborn twins, and I got into a fight with my dad all because he asked what was wrong with me as he could see I was struggling, my only response was to fight he was in hospital for around 4 months and had about a year off work. After the fight I attempted suicide and was sectioned under the mental health act.

    When I came out my dad had been out of hospital for about a week, he came to meet me. I immediately broke down in tears at the realisation of what I had done. He lifted me of the floor an hugged me I put my arms round him and he groaned in pain because his injuries had not yet fully heald.

    For months after the guilt of all that I had done consumed me I isolated myself from everyone just incase I hurt them.

    My brother got me out of my hole by dragging me out the house kicking and screaming. Although the guilt never left I started to revert back to the emotional caring person I used to be.

    Even now I still try to do one good thing a day to help cancel out all the bad things that I have done. Every now and again the bad side of me comes out and I hurt people which sprals me into a deep depression... so anyway 7 years, 3 failed attempts, numerous therapists and anger management sessions later im still here. Stuggleing between the guy who cares and the guy who hates everything. So like most of you I hide tears with smiles, I cry alone and I camouflage who I really am when im out in the big wide world. Part of me feels that I deserve to suffer but a slight part of me knows that one day I can make it right. This is my life sentence, this is my darkness this is me for you all to see. Thakyou for reading
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    it's great you find the site helpful, and it's great you can open up

    please do continue to use it if it helps
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    SilentlyFading, I admire that even through all the problems you have been facing, you still have a desire to do good to others to make you feel worthy. There's nothing wrong with that because you will be blessed for helping others. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sure you can impact others with your triumphs and failures. Glad that you shared here and look forward on hearing more from you.
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