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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by on my own, Jun 23, 2007.

  1. on my own

    on my own Well-Known Member

    nobody to talk to, let's try this in here again. not that I think anybody will care enough anymore. I've noticed more and more lately, I'm not importent enough to save, which is fine. but please, PLEASE let me go without making a big deal about it. I can quietly leave, if people would let me.

    today my dad told me my feelings weren't real, he told me I do not care for anybody but myself, he told me that if I won't change soon, I deserve to be misserable. we were fighting again, I tried to stop it before it happened. but I couldnt do it. me and my dad are so predictable, he wants me to be close to him, when I am all we do is fight. yes, I know he loves me, I know he only does it cuz he wants me to be doing better. but I can't talk to him. I just can't.

    he threatened not to pay for my school, I wanted to tell him so badly that I wasnt sure if I would make it out alive, that I want to quit before I have even started. That I'm so sure I'm not going to make it, that it's throwing away his money. but Instead I dared him to do it. told him he won't do it anyway, that he shouldnt threaten with things he wont do. I can't describe the look he had in his eyes, I could just see that it took him everything not to get up and beat some sense in me. I wish he just did.

    I started to eat the skin around my nails away again. my mom constandly tells me to stop it, and she's right. I should. my hands are a mess but somehow I can't stop myself from doing it. I'm tired of everything that's going on, the only break I get is at my work. it seems to be the only place where I'm able to just be alive lately. I come to life at that gasstation, I actually smile and mean it, I feel like I used to feel all the time, larger than life. I miss that.

    today I realized I really dont have any friends. don't get me wrong, I have people I talk to, but none of them really are friends (no offence to people, they do what they can). for example, how many of you are actually reading this? how many are going to reply? nobody. you've all made up your minds about who I am and what I'm out to do. and who can blame you? I always AM the center off fights in the chat if I'm around while there is one, as a matter of fact, I can't be around people without fighting. but that never meant I want to fight, cuz I really dont. I try to avoid it. it never works.

    my sister told me I'm 'hard as stone and cold as ice'.

    that was just a random fact I thought I'd throw in, now that I'm talking freely anyway. by now you've all given up on reading this whole thing anyway. my cat's gonna die soon, my sister needed to point that out again. like I can't see that by just looking at the way he walks, or just randomly falls off the cough, or when I pick him up and he's only half the weight he used to be. the way that when I play with him I suddenly come across a huge scar on his belly, where he has been opperated on. no, when I forget for a second that he wont be with me for much longer anymore when I hear him pur my sister has to walk up and remind me. and she says I'm 'hard as stone' because I stated she'll never get married even though she wants to so badly. Everybody knows that, I just say it out loud.

    oh yeah, and the other thing that really should have gotten to me but didnt: my dad told me today that we're out of money, like... not having anymore what we used to have. well, I'm not the one asking him constandly to take my kids up to disney land paris or to buy me stuff, cuz that would be my dear beloved brother. don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of what he gets, I just think it's wrong that my dad keeps shouting at me not to waste any money on useless things (just for the record; my dad gives me stuff and than says I asked for it, I DIDNT) while my brother is asking him to take the whole family (my family: mom, dad, brother, sister, me, sister-in-law, nephew and niece) all the way up to disney land paris in the disney hotel for a freaking WHOLE WEEK. no, my dad has to complain about a new pair of jeans I NEED cuz the old one is falling apart.

    I wont make it a secret, I hate my brother with a passion. he did it again this week. he hurt my mom. he lied to her about him being on her birthday. he's going on holidays with his parents-in-law. (sensitve point there cuz of family history) he told my mom that he would be back for her birthday, but than today he told her they had to take a different flight and now can't come. that's fucking bullshit, you can't change tickets anymore for SIX people on one plane for a day later. not during the high season. he's lying to her and we all freaking know it. but hey, it's dave, not Mick. If Mick would do the same Mick would be freaking disowned. but dave gets away with it, he has hurt them enough.

    as a matter of fact, I won't need their stuff when they die, I'll most likely be dead way before they die. it's such an irronic story. one kid they lost because he's an idiot. one daughter they lost to stupidity, one daughter is somehwere off in her imaginary world and I'll be spending the rest of this eternity 6 feet underground.

    lately I've been feeling like jumping out of the window, after all, falling feels like flying untill you hit the ground. I'll settle for that. things will get easier on a lot of people once I'm gone. sure, they'll have to find a new routine but that's about it. I'm wondering, what would my grandma say if she knew that the one grandkid she never knew commited suicide not even a year after she died? just wondering. I've been wondering about what family would say in general if I suddenly just was gone.

    anyway; looks like I'll be spending my next birthday underground.

    enjoy the rest of ur day(s)
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I read your post, and I wish you weren't in so much pain, but not much I can do about it. I hope you don't hurt yourself.
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I actually read all of it Mick, people do care, but sometimes they're too wrapped up in their own problems to notice anyone else's.
    But you'd better not be jumping out of anything unless there's something to catch you. :dry:

    :hug: :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Mick, I am sorry to learn about how you are treated by members of your family. I do wish you would reconsider the way you are thinking at this time. you do have people that care enough about you to read what you have to say, to feel your pain and feel helpless by the fact they know there is not much they can do to help make things better for you. The only thing I can offer is the willingness to listen to you when you need to vent, or just to talk. I can offer my support as much as I can give. Sorry it can't be more. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. You are in my thoughts. :hug: