opiates keep me alive

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jdbrowni14, Aug 26, 2011.

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  1. jdbrowni14

    jdbrowni14 Member

    I suffer from severe bipolar disorder, anxiety, and adhd. I have been on ativan to zyprexa, and no medicine has worked -- except one. Opiates make my thoughts stop racing and i am still able to fully function when i take 80 mg of oxycodone (even when i have no tolerance). I have not had any opiates for a few months, and i wonder why i havent killed myself. when i use opiates, i am an addict and ostracized by my family and community, even though it is the only thing that stops my constant unpleasant thoughts. I know i will kill myself sometime down the road because no one, not even my psychiatrist, understands and believes me. I got a 3.7 at my college last semester, and this semester, i have no will power to even do my homework. I will probably get a 2.5. I am a deranged being who just wants to stop the thoughts. I am not scared of death because i do not care if i go to hell. i am sick of these thougts. i am not scitzo, and no medicine or therapy works for me -- besides opiates. i plan to move to canada and just live off of the codeine that is otc. If not, i doubt ill live past 30.

    I am a complete fuck-up in the eyes of society. I want to get prescribed suboxone for my bipolar disorder, and hopefully my psychologist listens to me for once. I have already been hospitalized twice for ODs, and i know it will happen again without me using opiates in a proper fashion. I am not afraid of death; death is the only thing that seems peaceful so i look forward to leaving this earth.
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Its opioid you use. This is a fully-synthetic or semi-synthetic chemical such as the meds you mention.

    Opiates usually refer to products from the opium poppy - pure (opium) or semi synthetic - morphine and codeine. I use codeine - used it for 20 years - but have no issues. Its a pain killer - but sure - it works as an anti depressant also. It is understandable that people suffering depression gravitate towards opiates or opioid.

    However - the synthetic opioids do tend to become 'moreish' - I mean, its easy to let the amount you use creep up. I get 240 mg of dihydrocodeine per day. The odd days - sure I have taken a bit more - but I've never been twitching for the doctor to give me more - I have a set dose.

    You are not a f*** up - and if society thinks you are - look at how fu**** up society is! lol - its worse than our issues!!!

    But sure - you want to try and cut down usage.

    Maybe be like me - I get pain management doses - and think anti depression meds make me worse - personally that is my own experience - but others do well. Nobody has definitive answers - we all have our own system really - we learn it - if we listen to others!

    Not sure of the academic points you got - but I presume 3.7 is good!

    As for not making it to 30 - I thought that - could have bet all I had on that one - but I'm 46 and like my life better now.

    I know lots of people who recovered from heroin - and that is the most addictive - more so than the meds you abuse and use. Heroin lasts longer and is more cost effective than meds - however - pure heroin is like a monogamous hooker or gigolo - its there - but never saw it myself!

    I'm not afraid of death either.

    But life is what we fear - not death.

    Death is easy.

    Life not so.

    But - we stay alive because we hope things wil get better.

    You have a bright mind - you just need to get straight on these meds - are you masking problems? Is opiates an alternative to friends, love? If so - you know that is not going to work.

    But if opiates help depression - and you can maintain a level dose of prescription meds only - I have no issue - and can see why people would prefer oxycodone to prozac.

    Oxycodone always works.

    However - if you use each day - the issues have to be dealt with.

    Codeine, Be careful with it. Try to take a few days off it now and again.

    I know why you use these drugs - 100% - but I cannot afford to get addicted to them and know a little chemistry which means I could imbibe big time.

    Well I have helped people with codeine addiction - and my dose of 240mg a day - some people were using 2 grams a day! You can build up that tolerance in maybe a few weeks - easily. If you add 50mg per day - safe extra dose for someone used to the stuff - you can work your way up to two grams a day.

    THEN - you get hit with rebound headaches! In fact - you will feel ill all round - sore, uneasy, if you do not keep using it!

    So - whilst some use it and do not get addicted - its a careful balancing act indeed.

    Sorry your psych is too thick to see the connection with opiates and depression.

    Most addicts - tend to actually be depressed in some way. For many - using these drugs - is too good - because if your mind is never at peace - and you find a chemical assistant - therein lies the trouble.

    So - look outward mate - you need friends, love and you can take it also - give and take I mean - but sure - you got to get a grip of a few things first.

    Its not the end of the world bro.

    Maybe you should open up more also.

    Thanks for fessing up to us - and its not a problem - I mean it is a problem but we are not going to turn our backs just because you have acquired a little taste for meds.

    Things can get better.

    They will get better!

    Its not that hard to actually give up the opiates - but do not give things up suddenly. If you can get codeine prescribed it is kinder than the opioids.

    This could be a maintenance dose to ease you down a little. Reduce dosage - or maintain a sensible doseage.

    Depression needs dealing with - and is this depression caused by something or is it just 'there' ?

    Best of luck.
  3. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Sounds very difficult and quite a lonely place to be? You feel you need the opiates to function and to stop the thoughts going round in your head, but when you use opiates you feel separated from society and judged. I'm sorry that no medication or therapy has worked for you to date.. are you still taking medication? I wonder whether you could ask to take a different medication? I know this may seem hopeless but it can take a while to find the right medication or mix of medications that make a difference.

    Wish I had some words of wisdom but can just offer virtual support and the hope that things improve for you very soon.

  4. jdbrowni14

    jdbrowni14 Member

    i just want to kill myself. i hate this fuckin world. fuck all this bullshit. i wish my friends docs and family actually listened to me like u guys do.
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I hear you.. sometimes wish this virtual world was "real life"! Has anything in particular happened today to make you feel this way? x
  6. jdbrowni14

    jdbrowni14 Member

    Im tired of bein ugly. im tired of bein a disappointment. I always get turned down by chicks.
  7. jdbrowni14

    jdbrowni14 Member

    This is something i wrote to a different site a few months back
  8. jdbrowni14

    jdbrowni14 Member

    This is something i wrote to a different site a few months back

    Hey I have not been on for a while because I almost ended it all a month ago. I took 60 of my antihistamines but my dad got me to the hospital just in time because when he came to say goodnight (he usually doesn't), my lips were blue. I was in the psych ward for a while and I’m currently on 2500 mg of depakote daily but it doesn’t do shit anymore. I was trying to get on the suboxone one week before the attempt, but my doctor said he wouldn’t put me on it, and if I purposely got enough opiates in my system and then claimed opiate dependence and asked for that—he would not see me again.
    Scientific literature proves that suboxone and other opiates taken in minimal and controlled doses can help with ADD, ADHD, and bipolar; however, the FDA will never approve a narcotic to be prescribed for such a condition due to the fact that opiate abuse would skyrocket because every pill head would claim to have such condition. My dad is/was extremely disappointed/distressed with me but he was stuck between a rock and a hard place because at the beginning of this past second semester: I had a dealer who sold me tabs regularly, and I had straight As through most of February.* But the cops took him down and from March on, my grades, motivation and judgment started to lapse from what they used to be.** I attempted suicide a few days after my birthday in April, and I had to miss 2 weeks of school due to my incarceration at a psych ward. After I became a free man again, I called up a dealer, got a lot of tabs with my birthday money, and ended up getting a 3.2 for the semester.

    *I wrote my first biology lab report of the semester after taking seven 7.5 mg tabs, and I got a 94% on it—and the funny aspect of this example is that I didn’t take any of my vyvanse and it was on a Saturday night!

    ** The lapse did not stem from withdrawals; the most I used was three times a week and the decline lasted for over a month.

    Now to your question, back when I was a junior in high school I attained a notorious reputation for being a psychedelic fanatic. I attended a private school, and they were hard to come across, so I spent a great deal of time looking for legal ones online. In the searching process, I kept on finding scientific studies that proved that many of the strong psychedelics cured depression, bipolar disorder, and the list goes on and on. My personal favorite psychedelic has to be mushrooms, due to the fact that they got me out of the biggest slump of my life. Back in the fall semester of my junior year of high school, I was the starting middle linebacker. I was already beat up before the season had even started (I had a misdiagnosed high ankle sprain; I actually tore a ligament but I only got a week off instead of the three to four weeks I should have taken) . I did pretty good for the first three games of the season, but during the fourth game, my teammate was shoved down onto my knee. I ended up tearing my meniscus, but I was still planning on coming back for sectionals (I believe that a manic phase allowed me to keep my demeanor high despite the two injuries). The daily rehab was hell, but I kept on fighting and trying to get my knee better, but when the sectionals were finally upon us, I tore my knee up too much from trying to come back too early.
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