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Opinions please...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Acy, Dec 1, 2015.

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  1. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I have a friend "D" who is going through a tough time with anxiety. Another friend "A" has invited both of us to go to a concert. I'm the intermediary between D and A. I have said yes and am delighted to have been asked - it will be a lovely evening! My friend D, with anxiety, has told me that she'd like to go "contingent on how she is feeling in a few days" (...just prior to the concert). This puts me in a tough spot with A, who invited us...A might want to offer the ticket to someone else if D cannot go, but leaving it to the last minute doesn't let A do that with much notice.

    I thinking "hedging" is a bit selfish and rude. What do others think of D's reply? Am I being too rigid in thinking she needs to say yes or no, and let A know either way sooner rather than later? Your thoughts please.

    And how should I handle it? Should I pass along D's (inconsiderate imo) reply, or push D to give a firm answer so A can pass offer the ticket to someone else?

    I dislike these Miss Manners issues...Please help me. Thanks.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I think that it is reasonable to say to D that A might want to invite someone else so as not to waste the ticket so you need definitive answer. I have sympathy with people who have bad anxiety but it is absolutely rude to expect other people to accommodate it in that way.
    2 people like this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm going to pretend I am D, I would let the person know a definite answer asap. She needs to make her plans clear. While I have huge sympathy for her anxiety she needs to be straight up. You are not being a bad person or being mean and I am sure she isn't either, just the joys' of being emotionally unstable. Good luck, I'd tell her she needs to clear with her answer.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thank you! It seems that we all more or less agree - we have compassion for D's situation with the anxiety, but recognize that A also deserves consideration and for the sake of good manners, D could provide a definite answer now.

    I will approach D..."I'm sorry your anxiety has been flaring badly and is making life harder. If you can't go with us, I'm sure A would like to offer the ticket to someone else, so please let me know by tomorrow morning if you will join us. If you aren't sure by then, it's likely for the best for you to say no thank you and stay home as the anxiety seems to have you so firmly in its grip at the moment."
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    The only other possibility that I would see--again taking for granted that you know the two parties involved--& I'm assuming 'A' knows nothing of 'Ds' anxiety (in other words if you think this would be suitable for 'A')--is that you give 'D' a secondary option beyond your first, that if they'd like to wait until the final few days that should they back out, they pay for the ticket. But I know that this would not work for every one in every situation. And what do I know?
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't think it's too much to ask that you get a definite yea or nay.
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Yep, you need a definite answer. While I would not tell 'A' what is going on, I would let 'D' know that it is important that you get a definite answer. This is important as the plans of other people will be affected should she suddenly be unable to attend.

    This is a difficult situation Acy, but your thoughtfulness is apparent.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thank you all again. Here is what I finally decided to send to her - it's a tad blunt; however, I just got an answer in the last 10 seconds! She has decided to come along! :)

    Hi, D...I'm glad you're interested in attending. I'm also sorry that your anxiety has been flaring up and interfering with your life.
    I think that if you are not going to come, A would probably want to pass the ticket to someone else. If you are not coming, the sooner she knows for sure, the sooner she can ask someone else. Could you please let me know by tomorrow morning?
    The anxiety must be huge to make you hedge on invitations...I'm sorry it's hard for you right now. Maybe going out isn't a good option for you these days. On the other hand, maybe something that just requires listening and watching would be distracting and more fun than sitting and stewing about how you are feeling?
    I hope you feel better. And I hope you decide to join us for the concert. It should be a good one! Please let me know.
    2 people like this.
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    perfect :)
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