Thank you for answering.
what helped in the past? attempting suicide. that really helped. seriously. after that, i was more willing to give life another chance. right now i dont.
whats going on? a lot, maybe too much. or maybe i make too much out of nothing.
but mainly well, i had a plan with 2 possible pathways, and both involved firstly getting hired. these days im not sure i'll be able to be hired because 1) i dont feel mentally/physically good enough for it and 2) i dont even like it. everything though was based on getting hired, so now i find myself close to being without any plan. but since both plans would somehow contemplate failure at life... im wondering why not ending life sooner? even if its not the way i wanted it to happen.... the result is still the same. only that, i dont have a plan on how to end things before getting hired and all that it involved. i know it should be "easy" but i need to do things "right". and without getting hired it wouldnt be. or i havent found a way yet.
bottom line is living costs too much effort, even when life is "good". too many efforts with too little rewards. efforts never pay off. im sick of trying.
i cannot see myself living much longer, i dont see a real future except the one in which i kill myself. being without a clear plan is driving me crazy.