I used to hate my mum for a while, when growing up, for never being there for me.. after a while, i thought heh it was me not being there for her. Once again I feel lost, cut off from my whole family. She only comes over to see my daughter. I am the out cast of my family, my bf gets more communicaion from them, I just want a bit of my mum's love, but she has no time for me, she never really did... did she? spent the day at my mums, dad needed to go out, asked if anyone wanted to go with him, and she told me to go... just so she could talk to my bf. My own mother doesnt want me around. She keeps saying we could do this we could do that... I ask what.... and its oh... nothing just thinking me and ****** (bf) could take ***** (brother) to a museum... or something involving my bf... Nothing really involves me... my mum stole one of my ideas for my daughters birthday presents, means I have no idea what to get her, my bf is arranging everything for my daughters birthday, and I'm sat forgotten in the background... I guess mummy isnt needed for any of this... I guess mummy is just a background noise... one that no one listens too. Everyone always going over what I say, always making me out to be wrong, and I just want a tiny bit of respect... is that really all that much to ask for. I want to be noticed once in a while... not forgotten about, not ignored... I want to feel loved, but that too is too much to ask for. Why do I stick around when I am clearly just a bad smell for everyone... one that lingers... will I ever go away... will I ever leave everyone be? No, because I am too damn weak to do it... to damn weak to take control of my pathetic existence... to damn stupid to die. Maybe in time I will drift on... forgotten, they will all leave me, and I will return to being nothing... I feel like nothing... so I should be nothing... I want to have time just me and my mum, I need her sometimes, but it feels like she doesnt need or want me, doesnt care, maybe I am just an inconvenience. On the way home, her and my bf were nattering away about things their youngerself wanted... and all the time, I was sat there in tears, they have these big hopes these big dreams, and all I can think of is I want to be happy, and I want to be loved, and I want to be accepted. I dont think I will deserve happiness, love, and acceptance. I dont think I will ever have it either.