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Out of control

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by violetskies, Apr 11, 2009.

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  1. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    The last friend is gone. Was "just" an online friend (and no.. it wasn't more than a friend if you know what I mean, but he was my best friend). He said he'd stick around, he said he'd not desert me like all the rest have, he promised. LIAR LIAR LIAR. I wish I'd never met him. I wish I'd never trusted that scumbag. I wish I'd never let my guard down.

    And now in amongst all the gut wrenching turmoil, I have to deal with this as well. He couldn't have picked a worse time to turn his back on me.

    What are these feelings raving my soul? It builds and builds. The depth of feeling is unbearable. Does anyone else get like this or is it just me? I can't take it. I need the hurting to stop. I feel like I'm holding my breath, my hands are sweating, my brain feels like it's going to explode. I am very, very out of control right now. And I spend every day in control. I can't take this, I don't know what to do.

    If I call anywhere from mental health.. nothing happens unless it's really bad, and then they give me a valium "to get a good night's sleep". I can't even get myself a trip to happy halls. And even if I did.. I wouldn't be able to stand the loss of freedom and the safety of shutting myself away from the world.

    What do I do? Where do I turn? It's all gone now. Things are so wrecked. I think I'm having a breakdown.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for what has happened.

    Do you want to talk about it in more details?

    It may be that your friend did not lie when he said he would stick around. At that time, it could have been completely true, but unfortunately times, circumstances and peopel change, which may be why he couldn't stick to what he said.

    You are going to have to go through a grieving process for your friend. Yes, it will be horrible and vile, but it will ease with time. Please keep talking to us and posting if it helps.

    Thinking of you.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry you've been hurt. But like Scum said, it may not have been his intention. When he said he'd never leave, he may have honestly believed it.

    Can you tell us more about what happened (only if it's something you're comfortable doing though)?
  4. physician

    physician Well-Known Member

    ah..i know how it is...the same happend to me, one by one...
    if u wanna be my friend let me know....im alone too.........and need to talk to someone
  5. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    I don't know what happened, it went from him saying that I was a good friend, and saying he wasn't one of those people who just walked away... to going cold and distant, and suddenly not wanting to be my friend.

    When I told him that I was angry at him being distant and not telling me what was going on, he either just mirrored it back, or told me he was fed up of fighting for our friendship every other day. The thing is, it's hardly fighting for it.. he would spend weeks hardly saying a word to me, not even to tell me what was going on.

    I spent a month trying to be patient, trying to "not mind" but when I finally spoke up, he said he didn't want to be friends anymore. I hate him so much. I spent so much time and energy being there for him when he was going through bad times. In fact I was the only person he felt he could open up to. If I meant that much, why was it so easy for him to just drop me like that? I feel used, and now I'm not needed anymore he moved on.

    Xmas and the surrounding months were really hard for me. I cut contact with my family in November. I used our friendship as a distraction from the pain of RL. We met in an online game and we spent hours just hanging out and doing game stuff. It suited both of us, because we were both going through things. But I guess he's through his thing and doesn't need that anymore and i'm thrown away.

    I have trust issues, he knew that. He should have been straight with me. He tricked me into trusting him. I wish I'd never bothered. I have aspergers syndrome and I can't do change.. specially not change like this. He should have known better, he should have known if he didn't want to be there then he shouldn't have pretended that he would. I realise I'm rambling here but I'm just hurting and I don't know how else to get it out. My thinking gets stuck in loops when I'm upset and I have to keep going round and round coz otherwise the hurt just keeps building.

    I guess I sound crazy, I wasn't like this with my friend. This is not what drove him away. I don't know what did. It's just that I held my tongue for so long and told myself that I didn't mind when I did. And it's all coming out now.
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