Out of control

what the hell is wrong with me

total stranger gets on the elevator with me and says hi - i start crying

get to my desk, pull it together, go to get coffee

person in front of me fills their cup, looks at me as they're leaving, pats me on the back and says "buck up"

BUCK UP!! are they freaking kidding me!!

they're clueless - they don't know how i feel - they don't care to take the time to ask - just dispense useless advice so they can feel good about themselves

i'm just peripheral

god i feel like absolute shit right now and i completely hate myself for not being able to fix this

my emotions are swinging all over the damn place and i can't get a handle on them anymore - everytime i dare to think that maybe, just maybe things will start to get better i get slammed again and it feels worse than the last time because i DARED to hope

i am so sick of being a complete and total basket case

i want to scream and rage and weep and get hysterical - but i can't do that so i have to swallow it all back down until i just want to vomit

i don't know if i'll be able to not reach for my pills before the day is out- staring at them right now

if this day doesn't give me a break i swear i will shatter into about a million pieces - then all the kings horses and all the kings men can just bring brooms and sweep me into the garbage

 

e-mail from my manager - wants everyone to schedule monthly meetings with him so he can keep up with what we're doing

what a joke - probably his next assignment from management 101 - how to make the peons feel engaged - think he'll accept "dead" as a valid excuse for missing a meeting?

i am such a mess -tried starting tasks but i keep flitting from one thing to another so fast i'm getting dizzy

i feel like i'm being crushed by the weight of the world - actually finding it hard to catch my breath

put my headphones back on - to hell with the playlist - might as well welcome the pain as long as i don't have to listen to everything else around me.

 

what would be the point?

nothing's ever going to get better anyway

since i'm being surrounded by pain i might as well see how much i can really take

if i'm as strong as everyone else thinks i am, i'll just keep being miserable

and if i'm not...

i think i might have started this thread in the wrong forum - it didn't start out that way but everything is just spiraling round and round and sucking me down and i'm starting to get tired of fighting the pull

 

i'm not worth a hug

not worth much of anything

 

can't help myself

can't control myself

can't do my job

can't be there for my family

totally invisible

don't feel like a grownup

can't reach out to the people physically close to me

i want relief, i want a real hug, i want to feel useful, i want a chance

but i'm not going to get any of these things

god i'm choking on all of it

 

I would let yourself cry, kick and scream, you are holding SO much in right now I do believe you when you say you think you might explode. I can feel the tension in your words. You have to find a way to release it, you just have to. Let it out, seriously, it is killing you.

 

thnk i'll let it

 

i'm just so tired

think it's time for a little pharmaceutical vacation

 

no

maybe 3rd time's a charm

tired of feeling like i'm dying piece by piece

i'm in too many pieces as it is - would take too long

 

"Alone" just came up on the playlist - that's funny

 

it's like a 5000 piece puzzle that's all black - even if you manage to put it together, you still have nothing

 

yay - just got yelled at for not being able to give a date for my piece of the project from hell

you're right, the pain won't last forever if i do this right this time

it feels like a hot knife in my gut - it's time to grab the handle and lift