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Out of control

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 18, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    what the hell is wrong with me

    total stranger gets on the elevator with me and says hi - i start crying

    get to my desk, pull it together, go to get coffee

    person in front of me fills their cup, looks at me as they're leaving, pats me on the back and says "buck up"

    BUCK UP!! are they freaking kidding me!!

    they're clueless - they don't know how i feel - they don't care to take the time to ask - just dispense useless advice so they can feel good about themselves

    i'm just peripheral

    god i feel like absolute shit right now and i completely hate myself for not being able to fix this

    my emotions are swinging all over the damn place and i can't get a handle on them anymore - everytime i dare to think that maybe, just maybe things will start to get better i get slammed again and it feels worse than the last time because i DARED to hope

    i am so sick of being a complete and total basket case

    i want to scream and rage and weep and get hysterical - but i can't do that so i have to swallow it all back down until i just want to vomit

    i don't know if i'll be able to not reach for my pills before the day is out- staring at them right now

    if this day doesn't give me a break i swear i will shatter into about a million pieces - then all the kings horses and all the kings men can just bring brooms and sweep me into the garbage
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    e-mail from my manager - wants everyone to schedule monthly meetings with him so he can keep up with what we're doing

    what a joke - probably his next assignment from management 101 - how to make the peons feel engaged - think he'll accept "dead" as a valid excuse for missing a meeting?

    i am such a mess -tried starting tasks but i keep flitting from one thing to another so fast i'm getting dizzy

    i feel like i'm being crushed by the weight of the world - actually finding it hard to catch my breath

    put my headphones back on - to hell with the playlist - might as well welcome the pain as long as i don't have to listen to everything else around me.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Ugh. I hate the expression "buck up." It just seems so ... I can't even find the right word. Almost condescending, but that's not the word I was looking for. Patronizing maybe.

    Can you make a new playlist, something with songs that are less painful?
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    what would be the point?

    nothing's ever going to get better anyway

    since i'm being surrounded by pain i might as well see how much i can really take

    if i'm as strong as everyone else thinks i am, i'll just keep being miserable

    and if i'm not...

    i think i might have started this thread in the wrong forum - it didn't start out that way but everything is just spiraling round and round and sucking me down and i'm starting to get tired of fighting the pull
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm not worth a hug

    not worth much of anything
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're worth so much. Is there a reason you think you're not?
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't help myself

    can't control myself

    can't do my job

    can't be there for my family

    totally invisible

    don't feel like a grownup

    can't reach out to the people physically close to me

    i want relief, i want a real hug, i want to feel useful, i want a chance

    but i'm not going to get any of these things

    god i'm choking on all of it
  9. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I would let yourself cry, kick and scream, you are holding SO much in right now I do believe you when you say you think you might explode. I can feel the tension in your words. You have to find a way to release it, you just have to. Let it out, seriously, it is killing you.
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    thnk i'll let it
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The things you can't control aren't your fault. It's not that you don't want to control it; you can't. I've heard so many people say things like "buck up," or "get over it." But it doesn't work that way, and it isn't your fault. You're trying, and I can tell you're trying really hard!

    Don't give up on yourself. You deserve a chance!!
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm just so tired

    think it's time for a little pharmaceutical vacation
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you mean a temporary pharmeceutical vacation...
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member


    maybe 3rd time's a charm

    tired of feeling like i'm dying piece by piece

    i'm in too many pieces as it is - would take too long
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    "Alone" just came up on the playlist - that's funny
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're worth it no matter HOW long it would take to put the pieces back together.

    Please don't do anything! Keep posting, even if it's to vent, to find a way to let out all the pent-up emotions you have.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    it's like a 5000 piece puzzle that's all black - even if you manage to put it together, you still have nothing
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not nothing. You have a lot of worth, even if you don't see it.

    I know you're hurting. I wish more than anything that I had the ability to take that pain away. The pain won't last forever though.
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    yay - just got yelled at for not being able to give a date for my piece of the project from hell

    you're right, the pain won't last forever if i do this right this time

    it feels like a hot knife in my gut - it's time to grab the handle and lift
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't! :hug: I know I don't have the words to fix anything... I just hope you don't go through with it.
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