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Out Of Gas

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#1
I'm honestly just running out of whatever gives me the fuel to carry on to the end of the day. And getting to that day's end is becoming less and less worth the effort. There are no reasons I hold for my own to keep waking up every day. People depend on me. I'm not allowed to just abandon them because I'm sick and tired of it all.

It feels like I'm being pressed for everything I have, and then I go to bed. Wake up and make it all happen again. Depending on people for things they cannot be depended upon to provide. Making efforts that ultimately are not reciprocated by the people I'm forced to share spaces with.

People "above" me in the economic hierarchy repeatedly display their incompetence and are never reprimanded or replaced. I'm routinely subjected to their lack of respect and capability, and forced to respect them as if they've earned it.

Just fuckin shoot me already
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
i'm sorry that you're so stressed right now. if you are unhappy in your job can you change jobs and find one that you like? is it family that you are having issues with? please keeep talking we are listening to you. i hope things get better for you soon...mike...*hug*console*sadhug*shake
 
#3
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment and like you're running out of gas. It sounds like you're having a very tough time at work and are frustrated with your colleagues/boss. That can certainly be a tough situation. Is it possible for you to move jobs?

Is there specific reasons you aren't happy outside of work? Have you ever sought treatment for depression? Do you have hobbies that you can indulge in outside of work? Sometimes, we can keep motivated by living for the smaller things in life, while we solve the larger things.

Stay safe. Sending hugs *brohug.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#4
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment and like you're running out of gas. It sounds like you're having a very tough time at work and are frustrated with your colleagues/boss. That can certainly be a tough situation. Is it possible for you to move jobs?

Is there specific reasons you aren't happy outside of work? Have you ever sought treatment for depression? Do you have hobbies that you can indulge in outside of work? Sometimes, we can keep motivated by living for the smaller things in life, while we solve the larger things.

Stay safe. Sending hugs *brohug.
I'm referring to people in general, not just the ones I'm forced to interact with daily. Drivers on the road, public and government officials, self righteous parents and worshippers and authority figures and so so much more. What good I put forth and witness in the world is too small and feeble to weigh up. The most I can do, is not enough.

I find it counter intuitive to find treatment. Being alive depresses me. Continuous effort for intermittent and sometimes negligable gain is not worth while in my opinion.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#5
Sounds like you're having emotional problems more than physical or financial. I think one good way of coping with that is to separate the reality from the emotional reactions and experience the emotional reactions as if they are bruises on your skin. Not turning the buzzing sensations in the head or chest into a big deal, etc.
 
#6
I'm referring to people in general, not just the ones I'm forced to interact with daily. Drivers on the road, public and government officials, self righteous parents and worshippers and authority figures and so so much more. What good I put forth and witness in the world is too small and feeble to weigh up. The most I can do, is not enough.

I find it counter intuitive to find treatment. Being alive depresses me. Continuous effort for intermittent and sometimes negligable gain is not worth while in my opinion.
Hi. I'm sorry. People in real life can be brash and cruel and insensitive when we pass them on the street. People can often forget the impact their impact and attitudes can have, and just focus on getting through the day, but there is good in the world. There are people you can find who will accept you and love you, even if you don't see them now.

Treatment is not counter-intuitive. The whole point of treatment is trying to assist you to the point where you do want to be alive. I know it may seem like it will be the same on the other side of treatment, but it won't be. Depression not only distorts our now, but it distorts our future, in this case post-treatment. Treatment might not be quick or magic or completely cure you, but, as many testimonies have said, it will be able to help you to a place where you are happy to be alive. It's worth a shot at least.

You are good enough. Stay safe. Sending hugs *brohug.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#7
I hear you Wrick. I can relate to energy/fuel for the day being very hard to find, especially when dealing with depression or other mental health troubles. I hope that you can find someone in your life who can provide a little bit of assistance or help in your tough times, if just to make things a little bit easier for you.

I'm having flashbacks to previous jobs after reading your comments about double standards, although I understand you are commenting about people outside that category as well. Not much to say here but I wanted to let you know you were heard and understood.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#8
i understand how you feel @Wrick Malcof but i agree with @KindaOtiose that treatment for your depression is not counter-intuitive. depression is clouding your judment and how you feel about things. if someone is rude it's much worse if you're suffering from depression. please see your doctor so you can get the help you need.

i know it may take time to get better but you can get better. try to ignore the assholes in this world. no matter where you go you find them. but if you look you will also see a lot of good people in this world. it's just that the bad people stick out more.

it would also help if you have a hobby or craft that you can be passionate about. if it wasn't for my 64 dodge i'm passionate about i'd be much worse. it can be anything you enjoy. and you can make a real difference in this world. you can volunteer, take a homeless person some food, just smile and say hello or many other things. it's the small things we do that make a difference...mike...*hug*shake
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#9
i understand how you feel @Wrick Malcof but i agree with @KindaOtiose that treatment for your depression is not counter-intuitive. depression is clouding your judment and how you feel about things. if someone is rude it's much worse if you're suffering from depression. please see your doctor so you can get the help you need.

i know it may take time to get better but you can get better. try to ignore the assholes in this world. no matter where you go you find them. but if you look you will also see a lot of good people in this world. it's just that the bad people stick out more.

it would also help if you have a hobby or craft that you can be passionate about. if it wasn't for my 64 dodge i'm passionate about i'd be much worse. it can be anything you enjoy. and you can make a real difference in this world. you can volunteer, take a homeless person some food, just smile and say hello or many other things. it's the small things we do that make a difference...mike...*hug*shake
I'm not talking about something as petty as some asshole who is rude. I'm talking about the millions upon millions of incompetent, unsympathetic, selfish, and egotistical human beings that make every day a reminder of just how little it all matters. I think depression is a perfectly rational response to a world so saturated with these people.

I tried the hobby thing. Every one genuinely felt like a waste of time, money, and space in my already limited living space. Like I said in my original post, what good I put forth and witness in the world is too little to stack up. To elaborate, regardless of how passionate and active I am, it doesn't change the fact that the world is still chock full of those dipshits I previously mentioned. I even sat with a guy asking for change on my break not too long ago. Shared my lunch and chatted for a while. It changed nothing. It never changed anything before.

I don't see the value in being happy in a world like this. Being loved has never made me hate this all any less. I was never deprived, I had a tremendous upbringing. I was luckier than anyone could ever ask for and I still regret being brought into this nightmare. At this point the only thing worse than ending it early is coping with it for the rest of my life
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#10
Wrick, I have struggled (and continue to struggle) often with being angry, hateful, givingup-ful etc when thinking about the millions/billions of people fitting some of the criteria you mentioned. Have you ever read the words of Friedrich Nietzsche? He is a philosopher and wrote about nihilism a bunch (I assumed he was nihilist, but some say he was not). One of the big takeaways I had from his work, and believe me there were many of them, was when he was talking about this very issue. I can't put it eloquently, as it has been several years since I read the books, but the short version is he acknowledged how big of an issue this is for 'non jerks' or whatever you want to call it and talked about not focusing on it. It is very difficult, but when I find myself on that train of thought I always think of him and try to get my brain to switch tracks. I hope it doesn't sound like i am making light of your concern by throwing a book at it.. Nietzsche is very close to my heart and I take this issue very seriously.

Wishing you well.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#11
Wrick, I have struggled (and continue to struggle) often with being angry, hateful, givingup-ful etc when thinking about the millions/billions of people fitting some of the criteria you mentioned. Have you ever read the words of Friedrich Nietzsche? He is a philosopher and wrote about nihilism a bunch (I assumed he was nihilist, but some say he was not). One of the big takeaways I had from his work, and believe me there were many of them, was when he was talking about this very issue. I can't put it eloquently, as it has been several years since I read the books, but the short version is he acknowledged how big of an issue this is for 'non jerks' or whatever you want to call it and talked about not focusing on it. It is very difficult, but when I find myself on that train of thought I always think of him and try to get my brain to switch tracks. I hope it doesn't sound like i am making light of your concern by throwing a book at it.. Nietzsche is very close to my heart and I take this issue very seriously.

Wishing you well.
I've read most big-name philosophers at some point. I've always thought of them like candy. At the end of the day none of them are any more or less valid than the rest. Whichever flavour you find most pleasant will explain your life most fully. After coming to that conclusion, philosophy just became a sophisticated game of Guess Who.

If I had the opportunity to make that choice, I would make said choice. But when something forces itself into focus, you have only to face it or turn away. You can only turn away from so much before becoming one of the ignorant wastes I mentioned prior. At some point you have to turn and face the music. Is ignoring what infuriates me my best course of action? I'm afraid it's a course that I've already run
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#12
But when something forces itself into focus, you have only to face it or turn away.
Through what channels are these ideas/topics forcing themself into focus with such frequency?

A potential benefit of ignoring some things is that it allows someone to focus more on other things that they feel they can have a positive impact on, or want to do. Trying to face everything that a person considers a problem at once, is something I don't think many are capable of, but I sure wouldn't try to stop anyone who felt that they could do so. If someone doesn't want to or can't ignore certain things that they hate, another option would be to fight the hard fight of trying to improve those botherances. Be the change you want to see in the world, to reference I think Ghandi, or another piece of candy as you say. Do you feel that it is within your power at sometime in your lifetime, maybe not now, to even slightly improve anything that greatly bothers you? I did see that you said:

What good I put forth and witness in the world is too small and feeble to weigh up. The most I can do, is not enough.
What do you mean by it's not enough? It's not going to be enough to reach the state you want the world to be in? It's not enough for anybody to notice?
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#13
I'm honestly just running out of whatever gives me the fuel to carry on to the end of the day. And getting to that day's end is becoming less and less worth the effort. There are no reasons I hold for my own to keep waking up every day. People depend on me. I'm not allowed to just abandon them because I'm sick and tired of it all.

It feels like I'm being pressed for everything I have, and then I go to bed. Wake up and make it all happen again. Depending on people for things they cannot be depended upon to provide. Making efforts that ultimately are not reciprocated by the people I'm forced to share spaces with.

People "above" me in the economic hierarchy repeatedly display their incompetence and are never reprimanded or replaced. I'm routinely subjected to their lack of respect and capability, and forced to respect them as if they've earned it.

Just fuckin shoot me already
Welcome to life. It does indeed suck ass. Those carefully crafted personas we wear to "fit in" get tiresome. But we go through the motions because others are dependant us. I know the drill.

There's nothing wrong with you, you're just feeling overwhelmed. It's all duty and routine, where's the joy? Try to take things in your stride more. Honestly, we take ourselves too seriously sometimes and we need to allows ourselves some breathing room. If you quit your job, do you really thing you'd even come up in conversation after a week or two?

Whatever you do to relax, do that more often.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#14
Through what channels are these ideas/topics forcing themself into focus with such frequency?
Honestly it's not about frequency, or particular channels. I'm not cataloguing them for my own sake. They happen daily. They aren't confined to a particular place or group of people. "Fighting the hard fight" against people who should know better sounds like hell. A cruel torture. "These people could be better but aren't because that's life." What a meaningful existence. I'm so riveted at the prospect.

I have been the change I want to see. For YEARS! It's a pretty negligible fucking change. A change that goes very ignored despite the effort put in. It isn't within my power. If it was, it would already have been changed don't you think? Because I would not be the only one with that power would I? Does the responsibility fall solely upon myself?
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#16
I'm so riveted at the prospect.
I feel ya.

it would already have been changed don't you think?
I think the kind of changes you are talking about wanting to happen in the world are the kind that take longer than one's lifetime. Whole organizations are born, live and die for these kinds of changes without ever "finishing". There probably isn't a finish. I'm sorry if it sounded like I was expecting you to have completed your mission/goal by now - I wasn't aiming for that. Since you said ignoring it wasn't an option you were entertaining, I was checking whether you were trying to make the change. It sounds like maybe have you been, on some fronts. For that I applaud you, even if you feel your efforts are for naught.

Does the responsibility fall solely upon myself?
Not unless you want it to. Even then, you would most likely build a team to support you. I agree other people have the power or ability to make change as well. Their motivation or passion might not be as high as yours, even if they want to work towards one of the same goals as you. Have you considered creating or joining an organization to get more traction in your desired world changes?
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#18
Human civilization has existed for how long? Google says approximately 100,000 years. That is hundreds upon hundreds of lifetimes. It would be foolish to expect us to change in my lifetime, but it's absolutely ludicrous we haven't changed by now. Technology has, but the evil and incompetent morons operating it have not.

I never said I don't entertain the idea of ignoring it. I said I can't ignore it all. If I misspoke to create that confusion I apologize.

I'm tired of humanity. Why on Earth would I willingly put myself in situations to more thoroughly tolerate them? I'm done giving a shit about what they believe. I don't care about how good their lives could be anymore. Because it's very apparent to me that a good majority of them have stopped caring about that too
 

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