out of my mind

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by killorbee, Apr 24, 2008.

  1. killorbee

    killorbee Active Member

    I feel as though I have no happiness. I have all people would want but I feel as though I am nothing. I am rotting away in this life of pain and torture. every breath I take seems like a gasp for the next one. Im afraid of death but want to die. I am always sick,, my body is full of pain and its hard to get up any day. my heart is always beating funny. I already fell like the walking dead. My thoughts are horrible and nasty. I feel like leaving town and just running away from my wife and children and family. I am not much of a man. visions of killing others comes in my head. It is so real and disturbing. Im tired yet full of rage that cant wait to be unleashed on something, someone, or myself. my own blood is being emptied from my body by me. I drink my own. I want to be alone. Why cant I be alone to rot. I feel like the bad guy who never seems to get beat in the movies. I want to be good, I just try and its hard. Its what I want. I just want to be there for my beautiful wife, and wonderful children. I am lost and confused. My head is so cloudy and life is so heavy. the responsibility is so much. I want to quit my job, leave the country. I want to destroy concrete with my bare fist till I die!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  2. blue shoes

    blue shoes Well-Known Member

    You say you really want to be good and that you want to be there for your wife and children, that is a good thing, maybe all you need is some help to get you back on the "right" track. You have the will, maybe you should reach out for some professional help.
    Also maybe you should get yourself checked by a doctor? You said your heart beats funny, that might be something, you should definitely have it checked out.
    :hug:
     
  3. killorbee

    killorbee Active Member

    I went to a heart doctor and everything seemed fine he said, So get a irregular heartbeat. I still try to but its hard. I keep overeating and undereating all the time,, i switch from one to the other,, my weight has gone up and down. I dont want to goto work. Im worried about the new baby and the strain it will put on us. Im so tired all the time, I worry myselfto death and cant sleep at night. I am on two different antidepressants. Clonazepam and Cymbalta. I also am Hypothyroid and take Synthroid for that. And was told I have low testosterone and was given Testim gel for that. I go on and off of it cause its not covered under my insurance. I also feel sick everytime I eat vegetables for some reason. green beans and lettuce is about the only ones i eat. So I eat alot of meat which makes me worry about my heart.
     
  4. blue shoes

    blue shoes Well-Known Member

    I know it's easier said than done, but maybe try eating normally, and reduce the meat quantity, and after a while maybe your health will get better and that could help your state of mind too? Also worrying too much about your heart won't help, try not to think about it so much, I know it is easy to say, but worrying all the time could make it worse.
    Maybe you should tell your doctor about the vegetable issue, could mean something.
    You seem to have so much on your plate, I really hope things will get at least a bit better somehow. :sad:
    I'm sorry I didn't have anything intelligent to say, I wish I could help.
     
  5. killorbee

    killorbee Active Member

    thanks for listening to me. I am glad someone is out there, I feel alone
     
  6. blue shoes

    blue shoes Well-Known Member

    No need to thank me, I am glad I could be of any help. :hug:
    I'm sorry you feel alone :sad: I am here to listen if you feel the need to talk about stuff again.