Out of options and going insane!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rhoderider, Mar 31, 2015.

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  1. rhoderider

    rhoderider Member

    I’ve been dealing with mental illness since I was a teenager, I’m 54 now. My entire life has sucked but there have been a few good things. I was married for 18 years and have a 20 year old son. After Robin Williams suicide more people openly spoke about their mental illness. And I’ve read about a lot of people getting support from family and friends but not me.

    I had three good friends that I’ve know for 45 years, 30 years, and 25 years. I opened up to these friends and now have lost them all and they want nothing to do with me. My son has chosen to be estranged from me and my brother and sister just don’t care about anything but themselves and their lives. I am ostracized because of my bipolar, depression, anxiety, ocd, and borderline personality disorder.

    I am amazed and confused that people still can’t accept the fact that mental illness is a real disease. I’ve heard all the usual things like snap out of it, i’m using it as crutch, it’s all in your head, no shit it is in my head. I’ve been on all kinds of medications and I still am. I live in a small condo for 2 years now, and I’ve only had 2 of my ex friends come by and not one has since September.

    I don’t have any friends or family now. I live alone and just in misery every day, all day. I have a very hard time doing anything, I can’t eat much, I have a very difficult time going to the store as my old agoraphobia has come back. I am on permanent disability for mental illness and don’t make much, I also have celiac disease and it costs much more to eat. I can go on and on with my issues but don’t want this to be too long.

    I was self medicating with alcohol and when I had a bunch of drinks I felt ok enough to eat. I haven't had a drink in several months but if I don’t drink I wont eat much, I know I’ve lost 20 pounds and I’m ready to drink so I can eat and numb my mind. I don’t talk to anyone all day long.

    I always read that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But my problems are not temporary. I think about suicide everyday. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this anymore. It seems I am running out of options though. And depression and anxiety are horrible as I’m sure many of you know but ocd is literally making me crazy. Just needed to share with someone.
  2. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    You are not alone rhoderider. Thank goodness for the internet, where there's a chance of connecting with others in similar trials and with similar issues. Unlike the real world where people reject and ostracize us. Sorry that your former friends were not supportive, but it is possible still to make new friends, different connections, if you choose. I have given up on that myself but I am kind of sick of people.

    As for that ridiculous old saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," that was clearly penned by some clueless psychologist with no comprehension of severe longterm mental illness or even extreme life circumstances. Suicide is not a "solution" at all, it is just a way out. An escape from trauma and duress. Sometimes in life there simply is no solution. Its not all so neat and tidy. Flipping crackpot shrinks...*smh*
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I can relate with much of what you are saying. Mine isn't a temporary problem either. I'm also in misery constantly. I also have a hard time doing simple things like going to the store. It really sucks.
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I was so sorry to read your story and can relate to a great deal of it. I also was married for many years, had to stop working because of my illness and lost friends and family because they could not understand what I was going through.

    People who have never experienced mental illness often are unable to cope with it and instead of recognizing that we're coping with a biologically based illness, they attribute our behavior to character flaws, like laziness or refusals to "snap out of it'. i lost a very dear friend just last year and I'm still grieving over the loss despite the fact that she accused me of being a sociopath and making up all my symptoms. She even kicked me in her frustration! This kind of rejection can't help but hurt terribly, especially when it's coming from people we really care about and respect. The reality is: they just don't get why we can't just straighten up. Plus depressed people are hard to be around and it takes a very special person to see past the pain. My own daughters have distanced themselves from me because their own mental health is too fragile to cope with mine as well. I have been devastated by their loss - it just leaves a huge hole in my soul.

    There are days when i a so lonely that I want to die but i find that making friends through internet forums helps. It helps to know that I am not alone in what I'm feeling, but also I have made some genuine connections with people. Keep posting here and at other forums. I'm also a member of a news forum and a forum for cat lovers - have been thinking of joining others as well.

    Another thing that has helped me is that i recently adopted two cats. Are you able to have pets where you live? I held off for a long time - it was an affirmation that I wanted to live when I adopted them because it meant a log term commitment to their care. They keep me great company and have livened up my small apartment a great deal.

    Like you i hard time doing anything, especially going out. I have everything delivered that's possible, though ironically, once I get over the apprehension of going out, I always feel much better for it. I even get in-home therapy, although that is only short term. You mention how few people come to visit you - I've had one person come since last July, except for the in-home therapy. Some of that is bad weather though. I hope to have a friend visit soon. Days go by where I don't talk to anyone. I used to hear from one of my daughters every day but since she cut me off, my phone never rings. It's sad and I know how much it hurts.

    Are you getting any kind of treatment at all? I don't know anything about the connection between alcohol and celiac disease but do know alcohol makes depression worse. I hope you can get some help from this forum -there are a lot of good, caring people here.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    A lot of physical (and psychological) problems that conventional medicine can't treat can be treated by acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine. It's been endorsed by the world health organization as well as the us NIH for treating a variety of conditions
  6. rhoderider

    rhoderider Member

    There is no connection between Celiac and alcohol as long as you don't drink regular beer or other alcohol with wheat products, they actually have gluten free beer. I should have mentioned that I do have a small dog as my only friend and I feel as though I neglect him when I can't take him for walks. But now that the weather is better I'll walk him more. Just a few months ago before winter I was walking him often. He does get out everyday though for at least a little while. I'm on medicare and can't afford anything, I'm at poverty level and debt is just getting worse. I went on some bipolar manic spending sprees and have alot of debt also. I never realized that until after spending tons of money on credit cards. Thanks for the replies.
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