Out of Options

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aname, Dec 19, 2012.

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  1. aname

    aname New Member

    I came into work today and was told my sheriff's card has expired. I couldn't go get a new one because there's a warrant for my arrest. To remove the warrant, it's $250. Also my boss said I have to have a business licence by the 26th, which is another $200. I have $4.00 to my name right now. I have no job, no money, a warrant, and my rent is due on friday.
    my closest family is a 16 hour drive. I have one friend, but I can't expect her to do any more than talk to me and even that might be too much.
    I'm 23 years old. This has been my life so far:
    Age 4: Molested
    Age 10: Put in therapy (for the next 10 years.)
    Age 12: Braces, glasses, acne, frizzy hair, socially inept. Children are cruel, but who didn't have an effed up childhood, right?
    Age 13: Alcohol
    Age 14: AlcoholIC. Pot. Antidepressants are prescribed.
    Age 15: slowed down the drinking. Nitrous Oxide. Lost virginity, quickly became a slut because I was afraid to say no.
    Age 16: Cocaine. lots of cocaine. Father's 60 year old friend tries to discreetly give me his number for "great sex". Try to run away to canada.
    Age 17: Still doing coke. Uncle tries to kiss me. Brother gets blown up in Afghanistan. First paranoid delusion.
    Age 18: Move across the country. no more medication. Grandma has cancer.
    Age 19: Move in with boyfriend. Systematically cuts me off from friends and family. Not allowed to leave the house or talk to anyone. Raped 7 times.
    Age 20: Move again. College. Best friend of 6 years is based (airforce) near by. Gets sent to Korea. Tells me in 1 year he will be sent to hawaii. Asks me to come. Asks me to marry him.
    Age 21: Finacee marries some girl in korea and stops talking to me. move back home. Mom has cancer. Therapy. Psychiatrist determines I have: PTSD, clinical paranoia, anxiety disorder, manic depression, and possibly multiple personalities. Antipsychotics, antidepressants, and antianxiety pills are prescribed. Second paranoid delusion.
    Age 22: DUII. Parents tell me I am going back to college. They even pick out what I am to study.
    Age 23: Flee! End up in Las Vegas. Become stripper. Hate life. Apartment gets broken into, guy tried to rape me, stabs me three times, and steals my purse. 14 stitches later I am forced to walk home through the ghetto in the middle of the night with nothing but my keys. Ambulance fees. Get a stupid ticket. Can't find out when court date is. Warrant for arrest. Lose job. Can't afford to eat.

    I'm sure I've forgotten some things but... I feel justified in saying my life has been mostly sh*t. I'm not just a whiny kid. I've been through a lot and at this point I wonder, will things ever get better, or is this the way my life is going to be? And if so, why keep going?
  2. Powerpuff

    Powerpuff Active Member

    I must say Yes,, you have been through a lot. I am at a loss for words but I wanted to reply, if at least to say that I read your sad post. Maybe, most bad times for you came in the past, maybe the future might be better, I know that sounded a bit simple but it's tough for me to respond right now, maybe cause most of your post is a mirror of my life, except that I had to live in the ghetto.

    Sorry I'm at a loss for words, I do pray things go better for you, I can only pray for you cause I think I might have been triggered,, Maybe I'll try and post again, I'm sorry, hope someone can help you better than I did.
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You say you fled and became a stripper after your parents offered to put you through college. Why not return to them, enroll in some mental health services to address the conditions that you cited, and work toward the education available?
  4. aname

    aname New Member

    support in any form gives me a little strength. thank you.
  5. aname

    aname New Member

    I'm actually a certified sterile processing tech. but jobs... they dont want certification. they want experience. plus I hate sterile processing. yes, its an option at some point but I'm more concerned with right-now matters like how the hell am I going to feed myself and pay my rent
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