Out of reasons

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Apr 26, 2013.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    always been able to find a reason not to before - not always easily, but could still find one that would help me hang on

    but all the reasons i have right now are not stronger than the pain i've been feeling these last few weeks

    can't escape it even in my sleep any more

    want it all to end so badly that the only comfort i can find is in visualizing my body lying lifeless and knowing that the pain will finally be over for me

    can't listen to music, watch tv, sit in silence - makes no difference

    i'm done with crying, with getting looks from people in the street and on the train because i can't control myself

    this is the only thing left that i CAN control
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you need a reason for today or today and tomorrow then there is one readily available to you. Think about the events of the last few weeks that have made you feel more pain and why it is more difficult for you right now and consider what this is doing to those people that care for you (just as it did to you when they were saying similar. As a reason for now - you are too kind and too good of a person to want others to feel as you do right now which is all that will result.

    After you get through today start thinking of real reasons and ways to make those reasons even more real -- things to do with positives instead of negatives.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hate being without reasons without hope hun im sorry you are there but hun there will be more reasons to stay just hold on until they come ok Your children are the main reason your love for them and not wanting to harm them hun and your friends here another reason Hope you reach out for help call and talk to someone until that pain diminishes a bit hugs
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    the reasons you wrote are the only ones that have been keeping me here in the past

    not enough now - i know i'm being selfish, don't think i don't

    what does that really say about me?

    pain hasn't been diminishing - it just keeps digging into me day after day no matter what i try to hide from it or cope with it

    haven't been hugged or touched in over 6 months - not by anyone - and i can't touch anyone now because i would completely fall apart because i don't deserve comfort any more
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2013
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yes i understand being held and believing you are not worth the cae but sometimes being held and letting go of the pain it helps even if you don't think you deserve it. You go hug your children ok they will return your hug and show you that they do need you and love you
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    son is 23 has aspbergers and doesn't like physical contact

    would get no comfort from touching my wife - only reason she touched me 6 months ago was because the storm left us without power and she was bored - it didn't end well

    couldn't hug my daughter the way i feel now - i would fall apart, she would tell her mother, my wife would try to get me to go to the hospital again - won't survive the hospital again

    if i'm going to die anyway i can at least spare myself any extra trauma on top of everything else
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know you feel like you don't deserve comfort, but you do. How you view yourself is completely different from how we, as people who care about you, view you. You see only the negative, but we see the real you, the person you can't see.

    :hug: I'd give you a real hug if I could, but that's the best I can do at the moment.
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    doesn't matter what i want or deserve any more

    head is pounding from the stress- on the edge of screaming

    can't fight any more - have no new reasons to and i just want all this pain to stop
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your daughter your son still reasons to stay to show them that there is a better way to cope w hen life stresses are to many show them it is ok to reach out for help hun it is
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Need a reason for ME that isn't based on guilt or false hopes - tired of living for everybody else

    Haven't been at my desk for awhile - walking around jersey city - just...walking

    Only it's not clearing my head or calming me done - just driving home how all alone I am in this world

    I am so broken

    Headache feels like spikes in my brain

    Started the preliminaries - have to hold off on the rest until I can get somewhere more isolated and not in this fucking state
  11. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can you try and work on a project if you need to or do somthing you enjoy?
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You aren't all alone in the world. I know that's how it feels, that's what your mind is telling you. But it isn't true. Please try to focus on what we're saying, and not what your mind is trying to get you to believe. You're wanted and cared for. You don't have to go through this alone.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't enjoy anything any more - no joy left - can't find the energy to care any more

    "wanted and cared for" is just another of life's little lies
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    No, it's not a lie.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not going to debate - don't have the strength
  16. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    try and get through the weekend my friend.
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to argue.

    I agree with Jxdama... please try to make it through the weekend.
  18. Mcmanus

    Mcmanus Active Member

    I felt the something similar last week. I spent 6 hours at a small lake near my house. Found this website. Walked around for a couple hours. Spent four hours in my car. I feel deeply alone and we are in the same state. I'm surrounded by A type personalities no matter where I go. I'm alone everywhere.
    Hang on. Find something simple, like the stars in the night sky. Tough for you with the lights from the city but find something that allows you to escape your brain. Something beautiful even boring if that's how it looks at first.
    Breath. Breath deeply. I can't tell you why I was walking around that lake and in the forest, it is against the website rules. But in that time I found what I needed. One of those things was some unknown reason to continue.
    Please try.
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    my preparations had an unintended side effect

    been using this item for years for its intended purpose without a problem so i took the upper level dosage expecting the same

    turns out the upper level dosage makes me drowsy to the point that the conductor had to wake me up to get off the train after everybody else had left

    drove home, lay down on the bed - next thing wife wakes me up to get changed for bed

    can't get anything right

    i'd be laughing my ass off if i still didn't feel like hell
  20. SuzenH

    SuzenH Member

    Wastingecho, I am new here. Today. And I came to this site because I feel the very same way you do today. I don't have an anwer but I do know, right now, how intense those feelings can be. Think about yourself. Be selfish. Think about what you need this minute to get through the next few hours. You have 2,779 posts. I would love for us both to be here tomorrow so that I can draw on that strength and make it through another day myself.
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