Here's the thing that screws with my head. Afterlife. What if there is actually an afterlife, and it's just as bad as the current life? What if I escape the pain of this life only to land somewhere worse? When I imagine death, it's liberation, a release from pain. But my family is Catholic, big believers in hell, and while I don't believe in that version of it, with devils and damnation and all that, what if there's just more of this? What if that is what hell is? I've been thinking about this for a while. I think I'm ready, I just need some encouragement. I'm worried about my family and not succeeding and lets be honest, succeeding. I lost someone important to suicide, someone so integral to me, it's like a part of me is gone. And now I don't know how to be me anymore. If there's even a me without him. It's like he was my sun, and then my sun went out. Imagine if the real sun when out. Maybe there'd still be life on Earth, but would you still want to live here? Do I still want to live here? I'm not one of those people who has spent a lot of time thinking about death, or imagining her own death, or dreaming of it, or wanting it. At least I didn't think I was. But so much stuff has happened in the last year of my life that I am questioning whether I even have a life, or if what I thought was my life is actually an illusion, or maybe a delusion. Because it doesn't seem like living to me. It seems like persevering, like that's the most I can hope for. I'm not that old, but I'm already so tired. Even getting out of bed each morning seems like an enormous chore. Life seems to be about endurance, not enjoyment, not fulfilment. I don't see the point. If someone told me I could go back and undo my birth, I think I might. I really do. Is that the same as wanting to die? And if so, what does that mean?