Out Of The Shadows...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xCarCrashHeart, Feb 10, 2010.

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  1. I'm sick of hiding behind the things that I mean to say. I hate life. I hate my life. I'm always down with no way back up and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I guess it started when I was 10 years old when my dad passed away. We've been so close and he was torn away from me, I feel. My mother tried to care, I guess. She never actually loved me and would always tell me that I wasn't good enough of a daughter for her, even though I'd go way out of my way to make her happy and smile. She'd hit me a lot. She made me go to a counselor who was on her side. I always felt that I had to hold my tongue (because when she first took me to see one due to my father's death, I was prescribed anti-depressants and I tried to kill myself because I wasn't in my right state of mind). I never like to say too much of how I feel. But it's really getting to a point where I just want to got to sleep and never wake up. Then my best friend moved to Las Vegas (from New Jersey, where I lived). Things had just gotten so rough with my mother that I moved a year after she left. I've been living with her for 6 months now. I love her to death, but I hate it here. I don't belong here. I miss my family. As fucked up as it is, I almost miss my mom. I miss my cat, my dog (who now is getting really sick). I miss my aunt. My friend has been so good to me, but I almost feel like she's holding me down because she doesn't want to be alone ever. I like to go out and take a walk every now and then, but she NEVER wants to leave her house. So, I feel that if I go, she'll try to hurt herself (which she has done before and I just don't want to make her upset). I feel that I have to be tied down here and I almost feel like a lot of times she puts me down. It hurts and though I say, "Hey, ya know... you're kinda being bitchy" she gets all mad and I don't like confrontation... but anyway..

    I just can't do it anymore. The whole reason why I moved here is because we wanted to start a band and neither of us had friends and I don't have a job and we're not even starting. I just feel like my world is crashing down around me and I want to go back home, but then I'll be alone again.... and I want that but not at the same time. I hate me. I hate this life.

    I have (had?) anorexia and weighed 108 at one time, I'm 5'1" and am constantly concerned about my weight so much that I over-exercise and eat maybe one meal a day. Recently, I have been eating a little more (a few snacks and a meal). Last time I weighed myself I was 120. But I think I've begun to over eat and I've been addicted to laxatives and maybe starting the addiction again. Not to seem like an attention *****, but I just took one of them and 4 advil. I don't wanna feel. I want to stop. I want to be pretty and I'm not. I want to be skinny, but I never have been. I want to stop breathing, but it's impossible...
     
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all here for you. my name is john and how can i help?
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    PLEASE get some help before your ED gets more out of control. :hug: We're here to help and support you in any way we can.
     
  4. There's nothing I can really do anyway. I don't have a job and my friend and her father are barely making their bills. There's no food in the house ever and we sometimes have to ask our friend (that we see only every couple of months) for sweet potato fries for dinner. (That usually lasts us 3 times) Also, I'm now 120. I believe myself to be disgusting and fat because that's how I feel. I look in the mirror and do at least 100-400 sit-ups a day/night. I hate myself. I'm not pretty and that's all I'd love to be because when you're pretty, people will want you to be their employee (no matter what the job). If you're pretty, people will want to love you. Yeah, I get free things sometimes without asking or anything (which is really very sweet of them), but I don't believe myself to be good enough. I'll never be good enough. I'll never amount to anything or to anyone. I don't want help. I want to be trade myself in at the store for a Chrissy 2.0. I'm nothing but the beta version of who I can be.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2010
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