Out on the frontline *might trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xoCherie, Aug 29, 2011.

  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    ^ song lyric btw

    I don't know where else to post this. I'm so scared. I've been depressed for years, but hadn't acted on the thoughts of self-harming until three weeks ago on the night I got raped. Even then, I only did it because my "friend" gave me a blade and was like "let it all out." This is the friend that planned the rape, that knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind for weeks and manipulated it. Now it's like a thought in the back of my mind, constantly taunting me. I can't leave the house without knowing my blade's in my wallet. The only thing stopping me today, right now? I left it at home because I've got my school ball in three weeks and my other ones haven't healed fully yet.
    I've stopped eating properly. In the last month I've gone from 56kg to 53kg. I can't fit any of my old jeans. I got my tongue pierced and consider taking it out now that it's healing, just to get it re-pierced so I won't be able to eat again for three whole days.
    I've got a youth mentor who I can talk to. She knows about the cuts, but not about the not eating. She knows about my guy problems, but judges me on them. I'm scared to tell her anything more because I don't know how she'll take it.
    My flatmate knows about the rape, the cuts, the not-eating, but I know I can't rely on him all the time. It's unfair of me.

    The only place I can let it all out is on my tumblr. I have over 95 followers. That's 95 people that have stood by me when I've cried, when I've not eaten, when I've been struggling to smile. Not even my friends know all the shit I'm dealing with. But 95 strangers do.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: Just sending you hugs to let you know that I'm reading. With support and caring...Mr. A
     
  3. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello cherie,if you were to see a counsellor you might start to find some peace of mind at least regarding the rape.they have the tools to help you address it and to help you find a way to heal.my experience of counselling has been pretty good on the whole,I never felt as though I were being judged or not taken seriously. Maybe if you went to see your doctor they could refer you,just a thought. Mark x
     
  4. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I'm with a councellor atm but she's judgemental and I can't open up to her.
     
  5. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    How is she judgmental?
     
  6. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    When I talked to her about the rape she kept insisting I'd done something to provoke it, because "guys don't just do that." I can't open up to her because I know the responses I'll get will just make me hate myself more
     
  7. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Get a counsellor specifically trained in rape counselling then
     
  8. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    It's not just the rape. It's everything
    I opened up about my past, my home life,everything
    She asked my Mum about it all, and Mum said I was lying
    So now we don't talk about anything in my past or home life
    Nevermind I applied for the emergency transitions fund just to move out and got it
    :/
     
  9. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Counsellors have no right to speak to anybody else about what you reveal to them!! It's supposed to be confidential for christs sake. Nobody would open up to these people if they thought they'd be discussing it with every Tom dick and harry!! That counsellor sucks big time " guys don't just do that"!! Has she ever read a newspaper,watched the news,seen the statistics on how many women get raped every year? Jesus you seriously need to ditch that counsellor ASAP and find one who knows what they are doing. I promise you that there are some wonderful counsellors out there who most definately will not judge you or go running to your mum. Please just give it a try. x
     
  10. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I have. I asked the nurse if I could change to the adult mental health team, since I'm 18 now, and the phsychiatrist is gunna call up for me and say I've changed services.