out with a boom !!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by guage, Feb 18, 2013.

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  1. guage

    guage Well-Known Member

    So I sit here reading over and over my threads , and others and realized that this feeling of despair I feel seems to be common and that I am not the only one that feels this way. Either way , it still has this solitude feeling about it. Unfortunately I was able to open my eyes again today. I have been pushing myself for months to try and level out and stop the rollercoaster ride. I found myself making a new plan. And it seems plausible, although not practical. But the more I actually put detail into the architecture of the design the more I level out. I have been holding on to the dumbest things/reasons. Everyone dies and there's nothing I can do for anyone about that. I found the death letter I had written while in theatre. It would have been nice if my brother in arms would have had to mail that off for me, but here I sit reading it and contemplating the very near future of my being. Its sickening to me to hold no for various petty reasons. When all I want is to not exist anymore. If I am constantly hurting and have been for years then why am I concerned about holding on so that I will hurt more. I have seen how my family handles death, they recover rather quickly. I don't really know what to say or what to think anymore. Myself woke me up again last night, with different ideas on my plans. They seem to make it more efficient and quite a spectacle. I'm just so drained, and tired of arguing with my self about the what ifs and what nots. Should people stay alive for reasons ? Or should they exist with no purpose, goals, feelings, cares, wants or needs. The way I see it is that people should be and stay alive because they enjoy life. But I do not enjoy life in the least, yes I used to enjoy things but not for like five years or so now, and yes I have tried multiple new things, including all the things that most people fear. Skydiving, street racing on motorcycles, ha ha, I always won, I even went swimming with tiger sharks, during a fishing trip, they showed up and I jumped in. And nothing I still open my eyes daily. Hell I even went to combat, and volunteered to stay and transfer to the inbound unit that relieved us , I was told no and made to see an army psych. But yet here I am with no desire to go on, why must I have to take my life, why will nothing else kill me. Is it because I have no fear of death and welcome it ??????????? Omfg someone kill me please.................
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there were words that could be said that would take away the hurt and pain you've endured. I know it feels like all you want right now is death, but it seems like there's a tiny part of you that does want to live... you just don't want to live with all the hurting.

    I hope you'll at least try to continue holding on. It seems like you've got a lot to get out, so much going through your head. I hope you'll keep posting and getting some of that stuff out. It may help you to connect with people who have either felt the same at one time or another, or who are just willing to listen and not judge.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you reached out for support from VA hun I can so relate to some of what you have posted and um you say family will quickly get over it. I don't thing so hun they may keep their suffering hidden deep inside so they don't upset others but they still suffer the loss. I can tell you also one does not ever forget either we just don't forget hun I hope you reach out to VA to a therapist to your doctor h un get therapy get meds but keep fighting ok You are a fighter hun you protect and serve your country now hun you start fighting for you ok hugs
     
  4. guage

    guage Well-Known Member

    First off thank yall. Yea I have gone to VA. The best they can say is ptsd , on top of ptsd and depression, try these pills , ok so try these instead, ok 72 hour observation, oh wait therapy , then when I can open up with that therapist they can't deal with the thought and most are to disturbed to have more than three sessions so I keep changing therapists and nothing actually gets resolved, my psych thinks it is cause I dream and fantasize of death all the time because I have had such disturbing thoughts for so long that they infact are part/ most of my personality. And every day the tic tok pinging through my head and then hearing myself lay out my plan like an architect reading off a blueprint. With highlights of how glorious it will be to be done with the agony, pain, ridicule, worthlessness, hatred, and life itself. There is a small part that wants to live and the more that part fight the more everything else multiplies, as so many people here say, im just so tired of holding on for what is seeming like nothing but more and more agony. It seems to get harder everyday, and hasn't gone downhill this fast in several years. But I know I at least have to wait 2-3 months to see if the new concoction of meds will take hold. I really want to be locked in a prison cell block full of rapists and chomos. So I could at least do the world a favor before I checkout....
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I can't imagine how frustrating it is for you to go to therapy, start to feel comfortable enough to open up, and then be shut down. I'm glad you're at least willing to wait a few months to see what happens with the new meds, and I hope, in that time, you'll keep reaching out here, keep trying to hold onto that part of you that does want to live. Here if there's any way I can help.
     
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