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Over a Decade of Despair and Agony

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ghost Among The Living, Dec 10, 2007.

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  1. My story ... well some of it anyway.

    I've been sexually abused many times as a young boy by an older cousin repeatedly. My father would use me as a punching bag he'd take all his frustrations and failings out on me I recall him grabbing me as a six year old boy and breaking my wrist and laugh at me for me being weak and pathetic. Then he would attack my mother and I would have to lie to the neighbours who'd be banging on the door telling them everything's allright and trying to force a smile. This happened everyday and then something similar would happen at school only this time it would be a group of older kids being beaten after school or on the bus to school was as normal as having breakfast in the morning or lunch in the afternoon. Teachers at school this Math teacher enjoyed having me stand up on a chair calling me dumb and whipping my shins and ankles with a cane. Calling me dumb and useless and well this punishment was reserved only for me and no one else because I was the tallest boy in class that was his logic ??? I was to be used as an example ??? That's a brief history of school.

    My teens ... so much pain and torment and suffering moving from house to house high school to high school city to city as my mother married or was involved with a different man who brought his own twisted form of torture as both I and my sister were their victims and paid a heavy price. I can go into that in more details my teens were the darkest period.

    Over time as I grew older and hit my 20s certain people viewed me as strong and happy they feed off my energy that in reality is a charade an ACT, but deep down the pain is unbearable an emotional psychological scarring that is unlike any physical wound it never heals. The few friends I did make at University enjoyed ragging on me or I'd be the butt of jokes they were negative to say the least and I never did stand up for myself I so desperately wanted friends. After six months of University I lapsed back into my teenage mentality of avoiding all human interaction. Hmmm I can go into a lot more detail here ...

    People tried to befriend me but the truth is I have a strong hatred for humanity for allowing such horrors to engulf my family and I while they stood by idly not raising even a finger to stop what was happening to US the ... innocent, the victims.

    You can probably tell that I'm lonely but I have no interest in companionship either ... it's strange I am almost cold distant shielded and guarded when moments of intimacy arise between myself and a potential mate because I find the opposite sex to be shallow and superficial and most of all devoid of compassion. Or maybe they aren't and I'm generalising ???

    That is not even half of the horror stories my past was full off and still currently is I'm 26 and there is no silver lining in my cloud Fate mocks me it presents hope and opportunities and just as quickly steals it away from me as if enjoying my pain and disappointment tempting me ... seeing me lunge for it's life line and then taking it away as I grab at thin air.

    The other day I saw a dog with two broken legs crawling on it's belly skin and bones it's head hanging in sadness and shame and I didn't do anything to help it. Or when I saw a woman with her baby eating banana skins out of a dirty germ infested garbage bin. This image burns in my mind every night and I cry myself to sleep. This is because I could not help it I did not have the resources (financial) to help them. I feel so impotent so useless and empty. Or the time thieves broke into my house in my teens and they dragged my Aunt into one of the bedrooms and savagely raped her I was absolutley powerless to stop it.

    To tell you quite frankly I am disgusted with Humanity we are specifically MAN is Evil ... the things we do to each other the atrocities we committ and the way we crush all other forms of life around us angers and shocks me.

    A year ago I was beaten publically by six men because of my ethnicity. They beat me so bad that I could have told you what size shoes they were wearing they're shoe prints were all over my back both my eyes were swollen shut and all because I was of a different nationality or a different ethnicity . They crushed what little self esteem I had what little confidence I had I would wake up in the morning's to shave and I couldn't look at my reflection in the mirror because I was ashamed of myself I was not even a man anymore this incident took place infront of a female who I thought I was falling for she never looked at me the same way again and is condescending and derogatory when she now speaks to me. I comfort myself by telling myself ... *SIGH* ... all sorts of excuses the shame I am so ashamed could not defend myself and have never stood up for myself .... I ...

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because they say life is a sequence of events ups and downs I wonder when things are going to start looking up because they haven't in over a decade. I wonder what I did to anybody I never hurt anyone physically or emotionally I keep trying to think use my memory to search for some incident where I may have, and that person cursed me with bad KARMA but honestly the only person I hurt on a regular basis is myself.

    I wish I could take something to numb my senses booze, pills but the irony I can't even afford that HAHAHHAHAHA ... I wish I had the strength and the guts to take my life instead of fantising about it for once I want to do something with conviction. I have a death wish.

    No maybe I do because as I can now recall while typing this the other day ...

    <mod edit: bunny - methods>I did not ask for this life I was never given a choice and I'm expected to be grateful to be alive ? God expects some kind of gratitude ? and I am paralysed so paralysed to help other life around me I really want it to end. God is where ... ??? Six billion. Six billion souls !!! I won't be missed there are lots of souls to replace me.

    Let them have a THIRD WORLD WAR let them annihlate themselves we are the disease we drain the life from this planet and have only ourselves to blame for our eventual extinction. Looks like I'm going to barbecqued in the after life because apparently suicide is a SIN ??? Then let me notch one more Sin before my soul, the crispy white smooth sheet of paper that the clergy tells us it is in true form with a black blotch of ink from the leaky pen (LIFE). I save it before it becomes anymore blotched contaminated and corrupted atleast let me return it in close to it's original pure state to my benevolent CREATOR. I have become accustomed to HELL through generous doses endured through this ridiculous shennanigan called life.

    I keep hoping my life will end in some heroic act like saving a child's life from a speeding car and sacrificing myself or maybe entering a burning building and saving a puppy ... I don't know but I do know I want it to end because society has broken my back quite literally taken away my pride and self respect because of terrible financial situations where I've had to beg to feed my mother and sister that and the combination of psychological scarring throughout my youth so many factors so much conflict so much regret so little time so many pieces to the puzzle ....

    I cannot hold down even a job the depression creeps into my corporate work life I'm bipolar one day I'm friendly with my colleagues at work the next day I'm snapping at them and loosing my cool with my boss the next I'm back again trying to force a smile being polite and civilised holding back tears. They aren't ANGELS either the Boss owns because he pays me and my colleagues stab me in the back because under their facade of intellect and civility they are lower than any animal in the animal kingdom hoping to slit my throat to better thei economic worth and social standing. When the mood swings this happens it's as if it's someone else being hostile and rude it's as if I'm watching myself in third person from a distance split personality ? I don't know like I said the psychological scars never heal.

    I have no idea why I'm sharing this with some strangers over the internet I just wanted you to know because no one knows not a soul no ones knows the pain and burden I carry around everyday the damn shackles the chains I'm tied too.

    Your probably thinking I'm a Loser I failed at life your right ... I have ! My own sister my loved ones refer to me as a loser.

    I wish I had never taken moral high ground I wish I was barbaric and savage and corrupt and lustful and jealous and egotistical how far I would have gone in life ! I wish I believed in survival of the fittest then maybe I am a weak link in the human gene pool meant to be purged from it ... Are the above the reasons why Satan never bowed to man ? He/She knew his shortcoming that he would evolve into a monster ... What am I rambling about ???

    My mind and heart ... soul are in bitter conflict it's too much to bear.

    That is a brief summary of a small percentage of things I've been through. I don't want your sympathy but for whatever reason I created an account and posted without really knowing why or how I landed up on this discussion forum.

    I have to be practical and make a decision soon Seppuku is HONOURABLE when one has failed or is a threat to himself and others. Isn't it ? Isn't it ?

    cheezecrackerz@hotmail.com Drop me a line if I'm still around Peace to all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2007
  2. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Wow. You're a very strong person. You've survived for 26 years despite repeated physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, and you still have the ability to feel compassion for the suffering around you? That takes a lot of resilience, whether you believe it or not.

    I haven't seen a sixteenth of what you have, but I can understand your hatred and disgust towards humanity. We call ourselves great, noble, and intelligent, yet we commit acts of horror and outrage, destroying others and this world in our wake. The worst part is we don't even care. However, I can't say that man is evil, only that he is naturally selfish and ignorant.

    There are people who have felt your feelings, who can relate to the anger, outrage, frustration, despair, and shame that have so far marked your life. It's very difficult to find these people, but the forum is a good place to start. People on here can tell you how they've somewhat relieved their own heavy burdens and perhaps give you tips on how to relieve yours.

    My own suggestion would be to keep writing. You write very well--again, whether you believe me or not. I find writing helps to stop the thoughts from constantly swarming in my mind and gives me perspective and insight when I read my writings later on.

    Above all, however, don't blame yourself for what others have done to you. I know this is much harder to do than to say. We're all struggling on this rock, and unfortunately, some of us make horrible decisions and do terrible things in an attempt to deal with our own overwhelming existence. Those six men who beat you up because of your ethnicity didn't do that because of who you were. They did it because they wanted to prove their own strength and masculinity to each other and themselves, and ironically, because they needed to feel that they were superior, even if only in their physical appearance. Ironically, ganging up on someone proves only the opposite. Six against one are never fair odds, and a person who needs five others to take on one man is a coward at best. Most, if not all, people are really reacting to their own weaknesses, not to yours or mine.

    Psychological scars may never heal completely, but they can fade quite a bit with enough time and treatment.

    Keep writing if you can.

    I hope to see you post again.
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I agree with Melmoth, those guys group to attack as alone they are loosers and coldn't do a darn thing on their own so to feel they are someone, they need to ge in many which shows how many loosers and bigger loosers they are.

    Whoever uses force or its power over a weaker one is a looser as only in this they succeed in showing off.... brutality as animals are not even capable of if not itn the wild fighting for surviving so a bunch of loosers, father included dear, sorry to say it.

    You are stronger than any of them put together and i agree with our friend, keep writing, both for yourself and for us as you taught us already that in fate, faith for a better tomorrow there is.


    bless you and please stay safe

    granny x
  4. Melmoth, thank you for your kind and supportive post. Your writing is very eloquent. Your views on Human Psychology have depth and are very accurate.

    I have to say your correct when you say writing helps. It does help give one perspective and insight into their mind.

    Yes, it is this fruitless struggle on this rock that I find to be very frustrating and extremely emotionally taxing. Sometimes the feeling no the DESIRE to opt out is very strong to quit this rat race this vicious cycle of urban life that has one trapped and entangled.

    The beating I took. I suppose I wasn't the correct skin tone in the eyes of those men. Truthfully they took a knife to my genitalia and sliced away the very thing that makes one masculine. Well not literally but it definitley felt like it. I was raised to be respectful kind and honest towards ones fellow man what a LIE how that education has failed and mislead me my niceness so to speak has been my downfall what a heavy price I paid for holding my hand out to give another a warm friendly handshake to only have them spit in my face and mock me. I rember being laid on the floor and constantly being kicked and punched I slipped in and out of consciousness I could hear but not see (It was as if I was blind in boh eyes) their drunken racial slurs and laughter how much pleasure they derived from it. I remeber crawling away from that place only to have some woman smash my head with a beer bottle and how I had to crawl back home at 3 am colliding with walls and concrete because I had lost all sense of balance and sight (eyes swollen shut) and was too busy pulling shards of glass from my head and hair. Nobody nobody helped me they feared the hideous sight of my bleeding face or just had apathy towards my condition. The woman I cared for took a Cab home. :) ... :(

    Oh did I mention two *cough* "friends" I was with started the trouble with these other six men while I was watching a game of pool ? I came in to separate them too calm the situation and they bailed on me. Headed for the hills they did leaving me on my own. One of these characters once said "I would fight Mike Tyson for you." this character goes around campus the very next day calling me a "soft c**k" and telling everyone about the beating I took with a smile. Oh how ... deceptive and wicked are the ways of men.

    I to this day believe it was a setup the entire thing was a setup all eight of them were in on it and planned it for whatever reason. Possibly the major factor being my ethnicity that on telling people irritated them. Well I've been stabbed in the back frequently by people of my ethnicity my background as well ... so like you rightly said selfishness and ignorance and violence are common human traits regardless of ethnicity and race.

    I hope the scars fade because time is running out for me the walls are constantly closing in on me and their is no beacon of hope anymore. Thanks again for reaching out to me I appreciate it.
  5. Yes Endinday that kind of brutality is far worse among people.

    My father, yes he is a loser. Well after he had his FUN torturing and tormenting US he decided to run off with his girlfriend. He stole my mother's jewellery and all the money my mother had saved for rent and food.

    What's the last thing my father said before he died ? Oh now I recall " You can't come and stay in my house when you enroll in your University here ... I have TWO DOGS and i will have to ask their permission first. If they agree which I doubt ... then I might let you come up here and stay with me you see it's their house too and you might crowd them." He said all this very seriously. He died a month later just after he bought some fancy place near a beach and moved in with his new 21 year old girlfriend. I hope the bastard burns but I don't understand when he died ...... I cried. I cried !

    Animals once they have fed once their bellies are full they are satisfied and content. Human beings are just never satisfied or content their bellies never fill it is like a bottomless well no matter how much you put into it, it never fills to the brim. Even their own species will band together and live as one pride or a pack.

    Endinday "that in fate, faith for a better tomorrow there is." I like that sentence well said.
  6. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    As much as there are stupid and terrible people in the world, it makes it that much more satisfying and amazing when you find a genuinely good person who would really go out of their way to do the right thing all the time. Most people are selfish idiots who can be corrupted by their lack of ability to think, and then become monsters who do the kinds of things you described. People aren't inherently bad, they're just stupid and gullible and reluctant to think (most of them, anyway).

    If all the really good people in the world weren't branded as losers and freaks, maybe the gullible types would be more likely to turn out good (it's the next best thing - the best would still be if they could think for themselves) :p
  7. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    No problem. :smile: I only wish I could do more.

    I'm glad the writing helps. Sometimes I have trouble writing--I can't think clearly enough or summon the motivation to put my feelings into words. I usually turn to reading, drawing, or listening to music in that case, but writing is still the best way to understand and relieve the pain.

    I'm sorry you had to go through all that, and I'm even sorrier to hear that no one tried to help you when you were so evidently injured. Have you even healed physically? I still feel pain from a fall when I was nine.

    Maybe if you have scars, you could have some fun and say, "You should see the other guy." :smile: Scars can be useful sometimes.

    If it was a set-up--and I think it could very well have been one--it may not have been (only) because of your race. Are you the only one of your ethnicity on campus? Do you live in a particularly racist area? I ask because it truly may not have had anything to do with you. I find that racial slurs are usually used to incite a reaction and when the insulter literally knows nothing about the person other than what they see.

    What was the fight initially about? Did the two false friends owe the men money? They may have blamed their shortage on you somehow, setting you up to pay for their mistake.

    You don't have to reply to the questions. I'm sure you don't want to relive that night. I can go too far sometimes.

    As for the guy who made a joke of the whole thing on campus, he was probably trying to hide the fact that he ran away from the situation. It was his fight and he left an innocent man to fight it for him--he was the "soft" one, not you. You could always say so if the joke comes around again.

    Parents can be cruel. I remember my father often telling complete strangers that I quit everything I was good at. It took me years to get the courage to ask him to stop. When I explained, he understood and has only slipped now and again. He honestly thought he was complimenting me, not insulting me. I remember him also telling me, "Nobody loves you," only to say it was a joke a few moments later. And, for many years, he terrorized my sister and me by going into rages and slamming doors and cabinets, banging on doors, yelling and even screaming the whole time. He never hit me (my sister wasn't so lucky, unfortunately), but I was petrified that he would, that I would then be the reason for my parent's divorce.

    However, as the years passed, I learned more about my father. I learned that he had been beaten daily by his eccentric mother, that his father considered him a failure, that he was rarely taken to the doctor when he was sick, that his brothers and sisters were entitled to things like music lessons while he was not, and so on. I realized that abuse reaches a child and that that child then grows up to be an abuser. I realized that my father had done better than his parents had, and that that in itself was quite an achievement, considering so many people are trapped in the same cycle.

    Your father may have been abused at some point in his life as well.

    I'm saying this because it's hard to hate a parent. By hating a parent, we also hate part of ourselves. I see the same anger and frustration in myself that I witnessed in my father as a child. I see his despair and self-hate hidden in his eyes and I can't deny our relation.

    I didn't realize this, though, until I happened to read Fences by August Wilson. I have to give credit where credit is due.

    But, who knows? Maybe your father never suffered abuse. Some truly evil people out there have no conscience and no remorse. In that case, his behavior towards you could be considered an aberration in his genetic makeup—one that, fortunately, you have obviously not acquired. I have an uncle who I could easily see as being a serial killer, even though he was raised the same way as four normal brothers and sisters.

    Sorry to go on for so long. I had trouble writing at first, but then I ended up writing too much. If any of this sounds unlikely or silly, feel free to ignore it. :smile:
  8. alice0705

    alice0705 Well-Known Member

    I agree with this theme of nice, caring, sensitive people being looked down upon or stepped upon. I was actually just thinking of this today! Aggressive, ruthless, uncaring, unethical, manipulative people get ahead and do not struggle like we do. I think there is something like you said Ghost and Soul. If we are sensitive about life, other people, suffering, we can be tormented with this.

    I cannot stand to see things or people suffer. I have learned to manage it better and also to stand up for myself with others, but still I struggle.

    Hang in there Ghost. You have been through a lot. You should be proud you have survived it. Turn it into strength.
  9. alice0705

    alice0705 Well-Known Member

    Wanderer, I went through something similar with my mother. She said awful things to me and to others about me, until I finally started standing up for myself. I learned she had an awful childhood as well. Not an excuse but it does make you see maybe they were trying their best, but had issues they needed healed also.
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