My story ... well some of it anyway. I've been sexually abused many times as a young boy by an older cousin repeatedly. My father would use me as a punching bag he'd take all his frustrations and failings out on me I recall him grabbing me as a six year old boy and breaking my wrist and laugh at me for me being weak and pathetic. Then he would attack my mother and I would have to lie to the neighbours who'd be banging on the door telling them everything's allright and trying to force a smile. This happened everyday and then something similar would happen at school only this time it would be a group of older kids being beaten after school or on the bus to school was as normal as having breakfast in the morning or lunch in the afternoon. Teachers at school this Math teacher enjoyed having me stand up on a chair calling me dumb and whipping my shins and ankles with a cane. Calling me dumb and useless and well this punishment was reserved only for me and no one else because I was the tallest boy in class that was his logic ??? I was to be used as an example ??? That's a brief history of school. My teens ... so much pain and torment and suffering moving from house to house high school to high school city to city as my mother married or was involved with a different man who brought his own twisted form of torture as both I and my sister were their victims and paid a heavy price. I can go into that in more details my teens were the darkest period. Over time as I grew older and hit my 20s certain people viewed me as strong and happy they feed off my energy that in reality is a charade an ACT, but deep down the pain is unbearable an emotional psychological scarring that is unlike any physical wound it never heals. The few friends I did make at University enjoyed ragging on me or I'd be the butt of jokes they were negative to say the least and I never did stand up for myself I so desperately wanted friends. After six months of University I lapsed back into my teenage mentality of avoiding all human interaction. Hmmm I can go into a lot more detail here ... People tried to befriend me but the truth is I have a strong hatred for humanity for allowing such horrors to engulf my family and I while they stood by idly not raising even a finger to stop what was happening to US the ... innocent, the victims. You can probably tell that I'm lonely but I have no interest in companionship either ... it's strange I am almost cold distant shielded and guarded when moments of intimacy arise between myself and a potential mate because I find the opposite sex to be shallow and superficial and most of all devoid of compassion. Or maybe they aren't and I'm generalising ??? That is not even half of the horror stories my past was full off and still currently is I'm 26 and there is no silver lining in my cloud Fate mocks me it presents hope and opportunities and just as quickly steals it away from me as if enjoying my pain and disappointment tempting me ... seeing me lunge for it's life line and then taking it away as I grab at thin air. The other day I saw a dog with two broken legs crawling on it's belly skin and bones it's head hanging in sadness and shame and I didn't do anything to help it. Or when I saw a woman with her baby eating banana skins out of a dirty germ infested garbage bin. This image burns in my mind every night and I cry myself to sleep. This is because I could not help it I did not have the resources (financial) to help them. I feel so impotent so useless and empty. Or the time thieves broke into my house in my teens and they dragged my Aunt into one of the bedrooms and savagely raped her I was absolutley powerless to stop it. To tell you quite frankly I am disgusted with Humanity we are specifically MAN is Evil ... the things we do to each other the atrocities we committ and the way we crush all other forms of life around us angers and shocks me. A year ago I was beaten publically by six men because of my ethnicity. They beat me so bad that I could have told you what size shoes they were wearing they're shoe prints were all over my back both my eyes were swollen shut and all because I was of a different nationality or a different ethnicity . They crushed what little self esteem I had what little confidence I had I would wake up in the morning's to shave and I couldn't look at my reflection in the mirror because I was ashamed of myself I was not even a man anymore this incident took place infront of a female who I thought I was falling for she never looked at me the same way again and is condescending and derogatory when she now speaks to me. I comfort myself by telling myself ... *SIGH* ... all sorts of excuses the shame I am so ashamed could not defend myself and have never stood up for myself .... I ... Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed because they say life is a sequence of events ups and downs I wonder when things are going to start looking up because they haven't in over a decade. I wonder what I did to anybody I never hurt anyone physically or emotionally I keep trying to think use my memory to search for some incident where I may have, and that person cursed me with bad KARMA but honestly the only person I hurt on a regular basis is myself. I wish I could take something to numb my senses booze, pills but the irony I can't even afford that HAHAHHAHAHA ... I wish I had the strength and the guts to take my life instead of fantising about it for once I want to do something with conviction. I have a death wish. No maybe I do because as I can now recall while typing this the other day ... <mod edit: bunny - methods>I did not ask for this life I was never given a choice and I'm expected to be grateful to be alive ? God expects some kind of gratitude ? and I am paralysed so paralysed to help other life around me I really want it to end. God is where ... ??? Six billion. Six billion souls !!! I won't be missed there are lots of souls to replace me. Let them have a THIRD WORLD WAR let them annihlate themselves we are the disease we drain the life from this planet and have only ourselves to blame for our eventual extinction. Looks like I'm going to barbecqued in the after life because apparently suicide is a SIN ??? Then let me notch one more Sin before my soul, the crispy white smooth sheet of paper that the clergy tells us it is in true form with a black blotch of ink from the leaky pen (LIFE). I save it before it becomes anymore blotched contaminated and corrupted atleast let me return it in close to it's original pure state to my benevolent CREATOR. I have become accustomed to HELL through generous doses endured through this ridiculous shennanigan called life. I keep hoping my life will end in some heroic act like saving a child's life from a speeding car and sacrificing myself or maybe entering a burning building and saving a puppy ... I don't know but I do know I want it to end because society has broken my back quite literally taken away my pride and self respect because of terrible financial situations where I've had to beg to feed my mother and sister that and the combination of psychological scarring throughout my youth so many factors so much conflict so much regret so little time so many pieces to the puzzle .... I cannot hold down even a job the depression creeps into my corporate work life I'm bipolar one day I'm friendly with my colleagues at work the next day I'm snapping at them and loosing my cool with my boss the next I'm back again trying to force a smile being polite and civilised holding back tears. They aren't ANGELS either the Boss owns because he pays me and my colleagues stab me in the back because under their facade of intellect and civility they are lower than any animal in the animal kingdom hoping to slit my throat to better thei economic worth and social standing. When the mood swings this happens it's as if it's someone else being hostile and rude it's as if I'm watching myself in third person from a distance split personality ? I don't know like I said the psychological scars never heal. I have no idea why I'm sharing this with some strangers over the internet I just wanted you to know because no one knows not a soul no ones knows the pain and burden I carry around everyday the damn shackles the chains I'm tied too. Your probably thinking I'm a Loser I failed at life your right ... I have ! My own sister my loved ones refer to me as a loser. I wish I had never taken moral high ground I wish I was barbaric and savage and corrupt and lustful and jealous and egotistical how far I would have gone in life ! I wish I believed in survival of the fittest then maybe I am a weak link in the human gene pool meant to be purged from it ... Are the above the reasons why Satan never bowed to man ? He/She knew his shortcoming that he would evolve into a monster ... What am I rambling about ??? My mind and heart ... soul are in bitter conflict it's too much to bear. That is a brief summary of a small percentage of things I've been through. I don't want your sympathy but for whatever reason I created an account and posted without really knowing why or how I landed up on this discussion forum. I have to be practical and make a decision soon Seppuku is HONOURABLE when one has failed or is a threat to himself and others. Isn't it ? Isn't it ? firstname.lastname@example.org Drop me a line if I'm still around Peace to all.