It's been over a year now. I had a good run though. In a nutshell. I first tried to kill myself with Tylenol when I was 13 (yeah, not so easy, you just throw up foam but I was a teenager so yeah.) Next was at, around, 15 with sleeping pills and the very next attempt was at 18/19. I haven't made a serious attempt since then. Though, in 2012 I spent my nights in November sneaking into my little brothers room and holding his assault rifle to my chin. It was the most calming thing I've ever done in my entire life. I had the ultimate control, except for the chances of surviving as a vegetable. It's been over a year now since I've had those feelings back. It's the loneliness thing though. Since I was 8 years old I knew I wanted a partner in life. Except... I'm really monogamous and my home life isn't that great. You get what you need financially but emotionally there is a void. I've always tried to fill it with friends but I got stabbed in the back so many times... I guess I figured a romantic partner was the only option. Except, I've had two boyfriends over the course of 9 years (one for 5 years and the next for right at 4 years). Both of them cheated on me and lied about me as a person. I'm not great, I understand this but I'm also just not terrible enough to deserve that or a lot of the other things that have happened. The point is. I'm not depressed right now. I'm not overly sad. I just don't want to live. The last 6 months have been this way. I get spurts of happiness which are great. But then, sometimes, even when I'm happy, I don't want to live. Like, it's not fulfilling. It's superficial happiness. It's none of that deep spiritual fulfillment happiness. Even the thought of finishing my degree... I just feel like, what's the point? I'll still be sad, I'll just be sad with money. If not sad, than neutral. And, in any case... Once I have money, well, past experiences dictate that I'll make a lot of friends and get a nice boyfriend and all of them will just be using me for said money. I really try to think of reasons why I shouldn't and by this point, caring for my dog (a stay my little brother found) is the only tangible thing that makes that idea so bad. Otherwise, when he's gone, why should I still be here? I don't give a shit about tangible things (generally). I only love my computer because it's the safest way to socialize with people. It is the happy suicides that I think are the problem. I used to get real breaks from these thoughts. Now... I don't know... Now something good happens and in the back of my head I hear the whisper "Just kill yourself, seriously". Ill be perfectly happy, smiling, doing something I at least moderately enjoy and there that thought is. Sorry, that wasn't much of a nutshell.