Over it

#1
I’m just over the relationship at this point, not that I want it to be, I’m just exhausted and don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to end things and I don’t want my 8-year-old daughter to be crushed but I’m at a dead end and don’t think I have many options left unless I want to continue to go through the same things on a weekly basis. But I don’t deserve that, I want to be happy and with someone who I feel like respects and loves me. I’ve been with this man for almost two years now and I don’t think I can take it much more. I keep asking him to be consistent, honest, and to stop with the double standards but it literally goes nowhere. We literally just had a fight this past weekend about him doing things that he throws a fit about me doing and we both agreed to try and be better to move forward in our relationship. Well come Tuesday night he done the exact same thing that we talked about not doing I was hurt and wasn’t very talkative the following day, mind you after I was upset he continued to do the same thing. I get home yesterday, and you can clearly tell he’s upset which he later informs me that it was because I asked if he needed space since he left me on read, I just assumed that meant he wanted the space because I clearly wasn’t being very talkative. To which then he just starts ignoring me even after we just talked about that to, I finally went to ask if he wanted to talk about things and he says no its pointless you’re not going to listen anyway. Which is even more confusing because I’m not even sure how this became a problem about me instead of addressing the behavior that he continues to do even though he expects me not to do any of that. In these situations, he believes that I’m not listening while he unloads everything he has a problem with and expects me to wait until he says everything he possibly can without me having any kind of input, which I don’t find fair either. He says its because he will forget what he’s saying but I just don’t really feel like that’s the case because I feel like if he cared then he would want to solve it and hear what I have to say as well. Instead of just telling me I’m not listening because I’m just trying to fit my feelings in when he pauses. Theirs so much more that has happened in this relationship and I clearly have a problem with sticking/enforcing boundaries and I in no way shape or form claim to be perfect, but I just feel as if something has to give no matter how much I love him. I just really needed to vent because I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I feel like my family is tired of hearing it.
 
#2
Hugs @Jnt1212

That sounds really frustrating.

I’m at a dead end and don’t think I have many options left unless I want to continue to go through the same things on a weekly basis.
It sounds like you're saying if you were out of the relationship, you'd want to die, or is leaving the relationship even possible?
 
#3
Hugs @Jnt1212

That sounds really frustrating.


It sounds like you're saying if you were out of the relationship, you'd want to die, or is leaving the relationship even possible?
It’s beyond frustrating and it gets to a point where you just start losing hope that things will get better. I didn’t mean that I would want to die if things didn’t work out, but I can see where it came off that way as I was pretty upset when typing that. Leaving is an option but it’s hard for me to do that, I’m a giving person and I tend to give until I absolutely can’t anymore.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
It’s beyond frustrating and it gets to a point where you just start losing hope that things will get better. I didn’t mean that I would want to die if things didn’t work out, but I can see where it came off that way as I was pretty upset when typing that. Leaving is an option but it’s hard for me to do that, I’m a giving person and I tend to give until I absolutely can’t anymore.

It seems like he's gaslighting you and playing with your emotions. You already know he's not going to change and even though it's only two years you are at the end of your tether. Perhaps it might help to look up information on empaths and narcissists because what you say is showing a lot of red flags. It may be better in the long term for your mental health to end it now before he really grinds you down and you have no confidence left. Sorry to be so blunt but in the end you and your daughter will be suffering. If you have the option to leave what do you think will happen? Can you find support for yourself and your daughter? If he is a narcissist he will promise you he will change and he'll start listening and be attentive again but it's just a game of cat and mouse. If you can, get some distance between you and see if you feel better. I think you deserve someone who will love, support and listen to you and allow you to give your energy to your daughter instead of stressing about his selfish behaviour.
 
#5
It seems like he's gaslighting you and playing with your emotions. You already know he's not going to change and even though it's only two years you are at the end of your tether. Perhaps it might help to look up information on empaths and narcissists because what you say is showing a lot of red flags. It may be better in the long term for your mental health to end it now before he really grinds you down and you have no confidence left. Sorry to be so blunt but in the end you and your daughter will be suffering. If you have the option to leave what do you think will happen? Can you find support for yourself and your daughter? If he is a narcissist he will promise you he will change and he'll start listening and be attentive again but it's just a game of cat and mouse. If you can, get some distance between you and see if you feel better. I think you deserve someone who will love, support and listen to you and allow you to give your energy to your daughter instead of stressing about his selfish behaviour.
I don’t mind you being blunt and I appreciate your input. I was leaving him a few months into our relationship because I figured out he was still taking to a lot of other girls (which he lied about) and then he shot himself in front of me (which he claims was due to dealing with a lot of things at once). I’ve always had a problem with staying when I shouldn’t but this has just made it worse because I already had the mentality to try and save people. I know he struggles a lot with several different things and I stayed to help him while hoping that he would do all of the things he promised. He does seem to be a great person (I’m aware that it could be a ploy though) and my daughter absolutely adores him which makes it that much harder, I don’t like having people come and go from her life because of me. He doesn’t support me financially or anything like that so none of that’s an issue. I just love him and I wish things would change so that I don’t have to hurt my daughter or to start over with someone else (I want a family and more kids).
 
#7
That's messed up.

Is counseling an option?
Unfortunately not he’s deployed for the time being. He has mentioned it before but I refused because I was scared that he would use whatever was said or done in therapy against me. He was going to therapy on his own but he doesn’t have that access anymore and now I feel like things are just getting worse.
 
#8
A member here has recommended a phone app for couples counseling called "lasting". Maybe you could access something like that even though he's deployed.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$0.00
Goal
$255.00
Top