Over this shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Jun 11, 2016.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thats right, over it. Everything. All of it. All of me.

    I'm not at home atm but I feel so alone. Maybe where I am is just exacerbating that feeling. I was brought here by someone for a few days and then left so they could be with their family.

    Maybe my view of things is wrong, it probably is.

    Something is upsetting me that I can't talk about, and I don't know why it is upsetting me. I think because it's something I can't and probably won't ever have another chance to have. And I feel stupid about what I said about the subject previously.

    I know this doesn't make sense. I know this. But right now I just want someone to hear me, so I know I'm not alone. That's all. Pathetic but I don't know where else to turn. Sorry.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there MoAnamCara, your not alone, there's always someone here to listen and hear you. Whatever is troubling you I hope it gets better. Take care
    Brian
     
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  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Don't be sorry-and nothing about you is pathetic-and whatever the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity was, don't worry-it will come around again. As for the part about your not making sense-not to worry, life doesn't make sense (it never has and it never will). Realizing this fact and owning it makes you very smart-not very stupid. I'm sorry that you feel alone-but just because you have a feeling about something, that doesn't make it true. This forum proves that you are wrong about your feeling-you are not alone at all. There are thousands of people-all over the world who feel just as alone as you feel-so how can all of those people really be alone? I will go to bed tonight with you in my thoughts-I'm wishing you peace-wherever and whoever you are :)
     
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  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    If you ever want to talk about it, we are here for you. We will be with you every step of the way. Don't give up. Hugs
     
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  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all for responding. I've been feeling so broken and alone. Such a cliche but true.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Mo, why do you feel like you cannot talk about the things that are causing you so much distress right now?
     
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  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Because they are too personal and feel idiotic to me. Everything has been triggered... Deaths, my soul mate, flashbacks to other events. It's like a dam has opened and I don't know how to stop it. I've tried distracting, tried breathing, listening to some guided things on how to calm. I can't stop crying, my insides feel like they are going to burst. I'm ready to take more meds if I can't settle down on what I've already taken. And mostly the containers of pills are very enticing right now. This is stupid, I know I am stupid. I cannot do this continuous cycle of crap. I'm defeated. Not a survivor at all.
     
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Well, you're without question giving yourself one scathing review there! I'd go easier on myself, if I were you..:) I'm sorry your friend was so inconsiderate. Do they know anything of the struggles you've been through? Would you have felt the same way had they been there for you this evening? If not, then let's blame it on them..;) Seriously, my memory has been escaping me more & more as of late, so you'll have to forgive me but do you have anybody to talk to about these issues: either professionally or not? That would / could / should help; depending on you, and your needs (specifically what works & what doesn't)... And don't worry about having to spell everything out for us. Sometimes, it is helpful to do so. Others, it can be -- the deep difficultly -- expressed just with the outlines of broad brush strokes. Sorry, I'm not a painter so that probably makes no sense! In closing, try to come up with some of the good that you have become, to help balance out the bad. I could set forth an exhaustive list here, but fear it may be inadequate or incomplete. Then there is the trouble of you finding me writing in the realm of fantasy. When nothing could be further from the truth! PEACE. :D
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are not stupid at all hun. You are struggling and we're all allowed to have off days, all of us. I hope as time goes on you will be able to open up more about what is going on for you, hugs x
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, I know I'm alone. It is what it is. Just right now it's really hard to deal with. I was informed by someone to use my support circle...wtf is that? I do have a t but they are not available atm. There are two people I converse with and one simply would not get it and the other I don't wish to burden. I can't stop crying right now. this is similar but different about how I felt when my other half passed. It's deep and it's dark and I just don't know what to fucking do to get help. And it's likely I'm so screwed in myself that this is the way it's going to be. I'm sorry, really, for being so needy here right now. Just sorry for everything.
     
  11. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    There's no need to apologize, you're going through a rough time. I know how it feels to lose a partner, takes awhile and sometimes never. If I can do anything, if you need to talk pm me please.
    Brian
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry, Brian, that you know what it feels like.
     
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  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm home.... Cried about halfway in the car driving here. Everything feels so hopeless, I feel useless being unable to shift this pain, darkness or whatever you want to call it. I'm not interested really in something I loved doing, that helped me through the last few years, that keeps me grounded when nothing else will. I just don't care. I have a fb page that I'm ready to close down, keeping on top of the comments and stuff is too much atm. Everything is too much. Flashbacks while flying on the plane, no idea what ppl must have thought of me acting so strangely. I want it to stop, it needs to. I can't do this.
     
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  14. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, hang in there everything changes, the good and the bad, the way you feel will eventually change too. I know it's tough going through the darkness. I had to take a break from FB too, I couldn't handle it anymore. Now it's hard to get back into it, I lost my passion for it. Don't bother what others think either, you're in pain that they probably couldn't even imagine, you're the one with the real strength. When we go through this stuff, we can relate to others who are hurting too. I wish I hadn't been through this if I'm honest, but then again, I'd never have ended up here and been able to emphasize with others, so I guess it did serve its purpose. I wish I could say something to encourage you, but we both know that it's impossible, just know that I've been in that same darkness where I thought my soul were being ripped from me, I've felt the pain and anguish. I send you my positive thoughts and prayer for healing and just know that we here understand how you feel.
    Brian
     
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Brian... I don't mean personal FB, this is a page I run for something I do.

    No, definitely don't have strength. If I had, I wouldn't be here. If I had I wouldn't be living ptsd. If I had much would be different. But I don't.

    Thanks for trying to help, I am grateful for your words, please don't think otherwise. Unfortunately I can't see any light whatsoever atm.
     
  16. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I understand :( hope it gets better for you. Take care
     
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    bye.
     
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  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know why I'm posting yet again. It's late, I'm tired but can't rest. So worked up a while ago, ended up sh-ing. Stupid. I'm old enough to know better. Never ever did I think I'd be living with all this stuff. Or trying to live but not being very successful at it. I should have given it up when the first stuff happened when I was about nine. Crap, more tears. Shaking. And tired, so tired of being this way.
     
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Self... If you are really that tired, then do something. Don't sit there whining about things. Change it. In whatever way you can. You cannot continue like this. It's stupid as are you.
     
  20. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Mo, just so you know, your presence is vitally important to me & so many others on the forum...
     
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