I feel like I have to let everything out!!! I have been having anxiety/panic attakcs that have been growing more severe for several days now. But today, it has been all day. I wish I could expalin the feeling. My body is completely in control and I have none. It feels like I'm going to explode on the outside, through my skin and everything will be lying there on the floor. My head is throbbing, my heart is racing and I can't see properly. Cutting has not helped at all! I have cut so much that an inexperienced eye would think I was shooting or something. I know what I need to do and that is what scares me. No scare isn't the right word. It's the same feeling as waiting for christmas morning when you are a kid, you can't wait for it to happen. Im so anxious. But that is were I'm confused. You see I am a planner. My past 2 attempts I made sure everything was taken care of and had the attempt planned down to a tee. But this time, there is no time to plan. No time to get everything in order. I hope that the documents that I made up regarding my kids will be considered legal. I know Bill will follow my wishes. He has been put to the task 2 times already. Man what a relief it will be for him to finally put that puppy to rest. I guess I am uneasy with not having the details laid out in front of me. This is a waste of time. I just can't experss the FEELING. It's like I have to get someone to understand, like it has some sort of importance. I do know that I will have to atleast pick the time. I have all my kids this weekend and do not want them to find me. God, why couldn't this feeling happen during the week when I am all alone? My body is in control now. Not me. And that somehow upsets me. When I make the plans, nobody else is involved ( I am alone and steps are taken so that the kids will not discover me or be alone). Forget this, I can't think straight anymore. Thanks anyhow. Maybe my mind will let me atleast play some games or chat or something. I don't know what to do!!!