Overcame long-term suicidal feelings

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Femke

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Hi there,

I wanted to share that I finally overcame my long-term suicidal feelings. I posted here last year and have been suicidal for a very long time. I suffer from psychoses and trauma and the medication made me lose all feelings of joy and love and become severely depressed. I felt extremely guilty about all my bad deeds. Even my feelings of connection to my son and to God were gone. I thought it would never, ever get any better than the doom I felt at that time.

I was so desperate for such a long time, that I made all sorts of plans to commit suicide or visit an end-of-life clinic (they help with euthanasia). Especially when something went wrong, I fell back into "I want to die"-mode. Once I started to try and commit suicide, but I heard a voice say "Jesus died for you to live, not to die" and I stopped. Don't want this to be preachy, but this saved my life.

Now, I finally decided to stop the suicidal thoughts. I just decided that I would never commit suicide, no matter how bad things got. Interestingly, from that moment on things got better. What changed me was ironically a very bad nightmare some time ago, that made me think of all the consequences of my act of suicide to myself and my family. Interestingly, this bad nightmare woke me up. I simply decided never to commit suicide and to try and see the positive things still left in my life, even if I couldn't genuinely feel them, and try and accept the negatives. I called the end-of-life clinic to stop/withdraw my question for help. I threw away all the things I collected to use for suicide. I told my family I no longer wanted to suicide and stopped telling them I wanted to die, which was a major relief to them. I did everything to make my decision be more firm. And I fully let it go when my son, with whom I'm spending more time now, told me recently: I want you to become 50.000 years old.

I'm not miracuously cured and doing great, that would be too much to ask. I still suffer from blunted positive affect from medication. But life is bearable since my decision. I do all sorts of positive stuff - fake it till you make it. And sometimes it helps and there is even some joy and love, when spending time with my son or other family or friends. I do fun things with my son. I visit family. I try and build new friendships. I volunteer. I go outdoors a lot. I even dress in more happy colors.

I'm not euphoric or even really happy. But I am content. Sometimes I even notice I'm singing a happy song when I'm on my bicycle alone. Or I'm laughing out loud with my son while we are picking flowers. It's enough to continue life.

I made a firm decision never to commit suicide. I feel I owe that to my son, who is only 6, and needs his mum. And to my parents, who have loved me and cared for me always. And to myself, to not cut off my future and the good things that are left.

I felt totally hopeless for so long. I didn't think there would ever be good moments again. But there are! Enough to cling to life!

Thanks for reading.
 
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