Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Nov 26, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I've been having the worst few weeks. It all just got too much on sunday and I took <edit mod total eclipse method>
    I was about to go downstairs and get some more packets when my friend messaged me via skype, so I started talking to him and told him what was going on.
    I decided not to get anymore, after 15 minutes I started getting really sick. I was shaking, sweating, after half an hour my vision was going weird, I couldn't read words on the screen for seconds at a time, and when I looked around my room things were just distorted. My whole neck,, shoulders, arms and hands ached so much and I was so nauseas. It didn't calm down until 5 hours later, and even after I went to sleep and got up the next day I still felt shaky and nauseas.

    I don't want to live anymore. I'm really at a stage where I haven't got anything in my future to look for. I'm not happy, I'm scared, sad and suicidal on a regular basis. I have fertility issues and I may never be able to have kids. I'd be too terrified at the prospect of having children who end up with my kind of issues, because my mothers anxiety was passed down to me through her behaviour, and mine is more severe than hers ever was. I wouldn't be able to give them a good childhood because I'd spend my life indoors, I wouldn't take them out or give them a life at all, I'd be very selfish.
    It's just... Hard, knowing that I have such a incredibly low chance.

    I have very little qualifications and I'm failiing my classes. My teachers can't fathom how behind I am and I feel humiliated because everyone else is doing better than I am. I can't cope being around people, and I'm terrified and sickened at the thought of ever getting a job where I have to talk to people. I can barely keep a ordinary conversation going with someone my own age.

    I may never have children, I'm badly scarred and unattractive. I'm too scared to bring myself to hug a male and I get anxious just sitting next to someone who I'm not close to. I have very little qualifications. Getting a job these days is already hard, but with my anxiety and fear and little qualifications I've got a very very low job of every coping in any job enviroment. I don't want to live on benefits all my life and right now they're cutting the benefits for people with mental health problems. I'm being kicked out at 18 which is just over 2 years.
    My future, right now, looks awful. I'm so scared because I know it's going to get rough soon. I really do just spend my days crying and walking out of class/school. I'm angry all the time, I'm depressed all the time. I sometimes get so depressed I find it difficult to actually talk to anybody.

    My family life is so complicated. I cry whenever I think of my dad who was murdered just over 3 years ago. I get paranoid at night sometimes and I keep feeling like the man/men who killed my dad are outside my door. Worse than anything is they were never caught, so I always feel like I'm walking around past them. Even worse, a couple of the people who were suspected I used to spend a lot of time with, I kissed them, hugged them, played with them, slept in their bed, I even slept in their bed with one of their relatives. Whenever I think that the person who killed my dad kissed me on the mouth, or played video games with me sickens me.
    I have nightmares of being stabbed/murdered (my dad was stabbed) when I leave the house. I'm even having bits of hair fall out. I'll put the brush through my hair for 2 strokes and end up with a huge ball of hair, I've not noticed any patches but my hair feels thinner than before.

    My mother is trying to be there for me, but it's so awkward. My sister is trying too. Both suffered/suffer from their own mental health problems, my sister even considered killing herself when she was my age, but she self harmed really badly and blamed it on me. I was only really young but I can remember it all and I feel so guilty. I have so much guilt because my mother had a mental break down when I was 11. She just stopped eating, didn't get out of bed and wanted to end her life for a few months, she was in and out of her depression.

    All there is sometimes is guilt, guilt layered on me. I get so angry at everone around me and nothing ever gets it out. I get to a point where I don't even think it's worth it, is it worth fighting for a future where I probably won't have anything? No job, no family, no friends, nothing.
    I just can't do it anymore, I still have <edit mod total eclipse method> I'm not saying I'm going to do it, just saying that I really was close to it on sunday before I chickened out and right now I'm really wondering if it's worth it.
    Sorry for the sheer level of negativity here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Ellie i am sorry you are struggling so much hun time to reach out now ok and talk to your doctor or go to hospital so you can get some help and support you deserve to be less sad

    I deleted your method as it is against rules to post methods It seems everyone is struggling so much i even wanted to leave but i hung on and so can you the pain and sadness will lessen some it will. I talk to my therapist it helped so i hope you talk to someone to ok hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Ellie
    I am sorry this all is happening. What a very painful horrible thing you have lived through. Your father being murdered. The thing that strikes me is that you feel guilty or someow responsible for what happened to your mother and sister. I personally do not see how this could have been your fault at all. I really mean that.

    I hope that the future will somehow not be as bleak as you think it will be. I hope things will turn around for you
  4. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    You've always got a friend, Ellie. Never forget that.
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