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overdosed 3 yr ago

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by bhawk, May 2, 2008.

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  1. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    people see suicide as a bad thing? when i took an overdose 3 yr ago it was because i was happy, i was smiling all day and had never felt so relaxed, when i took the overdose it was easy, no worrying about anything just plonked the pills down. it was only after a certain point that i cannot remember that other people saw me and had become aware of what had happened and rushed me to hospital in a very frenzied and unpleasant manner. once i woke up the next day and remembered why i was in hospital i did feel dissappointed, in myself. mainly for failing to reach my goal, not in any way for the act id tried to do. before i was allowed to leave hospital they had to give me a psychiatric analysis, this must have been one of the funniest points ever, they sat me there and in that childish tone asking me whether i had really wanted to die....duh! then asking whether i heard voices in my head-my reply being "uh one minute, bob, jeff, john, joe....no, no, no, no......nah we dont hear voices"
    after ther eventually released me i was in my mothers boyfriends car on the way home, out in the countryside, and we passed a field being ploughed, i had the closest thing to an epiphany at that point. it was beautiful, the farmer ploughing in the bright sun, the seagulls following closely behind. whether i was there or not, alive or dead, the farmer would still plough, churn the soil with the gulls following closely to grab the merest morsel of food, the sun would still have shone as bright glimmering of all the leaves and hedges with a beautiful shine to the clear sky. farmer would have still went home, ate, slept, dreamt, woke and toiled again...
    life goes on, nevermind being minute on a cosmic scale we are minute on a human scale. it was enlightening. nice.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm just curious as to why you tried to overdosed. Yes each of us is minute on a human scale but we each fit into the puzzle for a purpose just like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. With just one piece missing the puzzle can never be complete. For that moment that you drove by that scene you described you had to be there for it to be experienced. Had you not then sure the farmer would continue to toil but no one would of appreciated that very second in time that you did.
  3. Choma

    Choma Member

    You are minute in volumetric scale but not significance.
  4. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    sorry to sound pessimistic, i do not mean to be in any way, in fact im overly optimistic, but on the grand scale of things we are not only minute in a volumetric scale but we are indeed insignificant, every person is, that does not mean in anyway we are 'worth' less but we are still nothing but a bunch of animated chemicals. nothing individual is of any use, we are weak, feeble creatures that seem to have an obsession with screwing each other over! just look at the news each day, the only thing cheap in life is life itself.
    yet when you look at death from a critical, detatched point of view it is if anything blatantly absurd. chemicals, matter, gaining a 'life' force, this bunch of matter moving through time untill the matter apparently 'gives up' its animative properties, to what?
    matter itself being barely 'existant', vastly nothing and barely electrical. many inanimate atoms showing the same properties as us on a whole.
    reality itself being ever more fragile, shifting and changing with our very thoughts, the fact we pro-actively create it, do we therefore pro-actively create an 'afterlife'? you can not know pleasure without pain, so can you therefore not know life unless you have been dead? we may even find when we 'die' we are actually becoming alive! for all i know when we die we may well become a cell in the easter bunnies arse...
    the reasons for death are not always relevant, in my case the reasons are personal in many ways. the whole point with the farmer toiling his field is that we do not need another human to see it to appreciate it, appreciation is totally irrelevant, its the point that if a tree falls in a forest and noone is there to see it....it still falls! life however absurd like death will continue, always will, look at the pavement in the streets, young weeds force their way through concrete and any other obstacle put in their way, life always perseveres, from fish found is sulphuric pools never to have been thought possible, to bacteria found deep in glaciers! no matter who or what dies, life will go on!
  5. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I sort of think a bit like you, no matter what happens and what I do to myself life will go on. Why am I so important, who really cares??? I am only a person, and people die everyday.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Suicide is a bad thing and overdosing can harm your internal organs, if of course it doesn't kill you. You seem like a very insightful and intelligent person bhawk. Why do you want to kill yourself so badly?
  7. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    whyever not, i have many reasons but one main reason is curiousity and impatients. as i say im a highly optimistic person but i just do not have the view most do on death. i have a totally indifferent point of view towards it.
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