In the past couple of weeks I made multiple attempts to kill myself. Sunday before last, I don't really count that, because I was so drunk and just overwelmed with everything, but 2 days prior to, if I could have gotten my hands on something, I may have overdosed and very well meant it. I was trying to get help for my medical problems and it just blowed up in my face. Last saturday, I had an honest attempt of wanting to die, I guess the overdose jolted my kidneys a bit, but I am okay now. I also took pills Sunday & Tuesday, trying to finish what I started. It didn't work. I know if I really want to die, I could still make it happen. But I don't want to make it happen. I want a way out. I'm still depressed but not so much suicidal right now, so I can think a bit more clearly. My heart is broken from something that can never be mended. I may never be able to get better from the disease I have, which has pretty much ruined my life. The people in my life that matter to me the most, especially my kids, they've always resented me over being sick, they have made plenty of horrible comments to me on how they feel about it, I know they think I'm pathetic. I know there are people in my life that care, but it just seems like so very few, and the one's that matter the most, don't seem to. My heart is seriously broken but I don't want to take all this as a negative thing. I don't want to continue on just making everything worse for myself. But I have problems that are likely not fixable and I don't see any way around them. I am going to try to put some positive things in my life. First start exercising and see if I can regain any energy. Work on getting my own place and moving out of my ex's. That isn't a situation I want to be in anymore. I'm enrolling for some college courses online, I can't really attend college in person in the shape I'm in. But if I can rise above this disease, I am going to freeking work.. Still, it seems like regardless of what I do to try to make my life better, that emotional hurt will always be there. I just wish there was an answer to that.