overdosing, what's life after

[cutiepie132]

In the past couple of weeks I made multiple attempts to kill myself. Sunday before last, I don't really count that, because I was so drunk and just overwelmed with everything, but 2 days prior to, if I could have gotten my hands on something, I may have overdosed and very well meant it. I was trying to get help for my medical problems and it just blowed up in my face. Last saturday, I had an honest attempt of wanting to die, I guess the overdose jolted my kidneys a bit, but I am okay now. I also took pills Sunday & Tuesday, trying to finish what I started. It didn't work.

I know if I really want to die, I could still make it happen. But I don't want to make it happen. I want a way out. I'm still depressed but not so much suicidal right now, so I can think a bit more clearly.

My heart is broken from something that can never be mended. I may never be able to get better from the disease I have, which has pretty much ruined my life. The people in my life that matter to me the most, especially my kids, they've always resented me over being sick, they have made plenty of horrible comments to me on how they feel about it, I know they think I'm pathetic. I know there are people in my life that care, but it just seems like so very few, and the one's that matter the most, don't seem to.

My heart is seriously broken but I don't want to take all this as a negative thing. I don't want to continue on just making everything worse for myself. But I have problems that are likely not fixable and I don't see any way around them.

I am going to try to put some positive things in my life. First start exercising and see if I can regain any energy. Work on getting my own place and moving out of my ex's. That isn't a situation I want to be in anymore. I'm enrolling for some college courses online, I can't really attend college in person in the shape I'm in. But if I can rise above this disease, I am going to freeking work.. Still, it seems like regardless of what I do to try to make my life better, that emotional hurt will always be there. I just wish there was an answer to that.

 

[meme333]

I wish there was an answer for you too

Sounds like you have some good ideas.
Don't overwhelm yourself though or that can be a let down.
One thing at a time. Choose one thing and go from there.

 

[Acy]

I'm glad you are seeking the positives and making plans for better things. :hug: That is wonderful to hear!

I was struck by your comment about your kids resenting your illness. Young kids and even teens have no real frame of reference for how much their words can hurt. If they have said they no longer feel resentful, I would accept that and let the issue go. If it would help, maybe tell them at some point that you knew and wanted to be there more but couldn't help it.

I suspect that in addition to being hurt by what they said, deep down you are worried that you have truly disappointed them or not been as good as you wanted to be. The gem to take away, sweetie, is that you did your best, given the limitations and situation you faced. :hug:

Be gentle with yourself now. Be very proud of the courageous new changes you have decided to initiate in your life!

 

[cutiepie132]

They are still resentful. I've been cussed out over it pretty bad and informed how worthless and meaningless my life is. I'd say it's more so of the dad's fault, because him and his mom was the one running their mouth in all this when we went through our divorce. I get abused and then the abuser wants to make your children think your crazy in the head and that there's no possible way you could actually be sick. Well I'll always be there for them no matter what they do or say to me, it just hurts the heart. Even if I had cancer, I sware these kids would tell me I'm full of crap. Whatever is wrong with me, I'm told how full of it I am. If I show them blood work to prove my point, like the ex says, the blood work is fake, it means nothing.. Whatever.. It's probably his fault I got sick the start with.. Deep down inside me, I hate him for this.

 

[Acy]

I've heard that sometimes when families are not running smoothly, by choice or by accident a family member is "chosen" to take the brunt of the blame. And sadly, long after the troubles have settled, this family member is sometimes still the one that everybody else "blames" or mistreats. It seems that maybe you were put in that role, and I'm sorry because I can tell how much you're hurting. :hug:

As much as possible, believe in yourself and know in your own heart that you were not the cause of all the problems. You don't deserve to receive abuse now any more than you did then. You can make a conscious choice now not to buy into it yourself and not let them "get to you".

A different perspective on things: Despite your illness, despite the abuse you received, you DID raise your kids, get out of a bad marriage, and move on. Those are actually big achievements to be proud of. Be proud of yourself. You don't need to let anyone else's comments erode you and you've proven that. Even better, despite the hurt, you're making changes for better things. What a wonderful person you are! :hug:

 

[cutiepie132]

They came to learn what a jackass he was, it just didn't make any difference in how they treated me.. It's not always awful with them, but they can get pretty cruel with me..

Thank you.

 

[peacelovingguy]

I've heard that sometimes when families are not running smoothly, by choice or by accident a family member is "chosen" to take the brunt of the blame. And sadly, long after the troubles have settled, this family member is sometimes still the one that everybody else "blames" or mistreats. It seems that maybe you were put in that role, and I'm sorry because I can tell how much you're hurting. :hug:

As much as possible, believe in yourself and know in your own heart that you were not the cause of all the problems. You don't deserve to receive abuse now any more than you did then. You can make a conscious choice now not to buy into it yourself and not let them "get to you".

A different perspective on things: Despite your illness, despite the abuse you received, you DID raise your kids, get out of a bad marriage, and move on. Those are actually big achievements to be proud of. Be proud of yourself. You don't need to let anyone else's comments erode you and you've proven that. Even better, despite the hurt, you're making changes for better things. What a wonderful person you are! :hug:

Nothing more to add to that - what a brilliant reply!

VERY informative.

Good observation about the dynamics of family and this process of blame.

And sure - your raised a family - got over abuse that would destroy some!

Life is about YOU now - not in a selfish manner but in a manner which sees you get happy - and enjoy life. :rolleyes:

You help so many now with your own problems that you would be amazingly better if you sort of order you life a little more - like I'm doing = a few courses - education - stay on top of the illness you have - and so on.

Good luck as ever.