Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shoshana, Aug 1, 2012.

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  1. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    so i lost my virginity one week ago, after twenty four years. 24 years of waiting and wandering when the fuck this was ever going to happen. and at some points even peacefully accepting that i would be alone forever, and die without ever being touched. after all that. it just happened. we were talking then kissing then sleeping then fucking.

    and i loved it. i loved the attention. i loved the rush of confidence.

    it was the most connected ive felt since greg.

    and i dont connect to people easily. go figure.

    we'd been talking for weeks. every couple of nights for hours. he said the second time we talked that he felt like he'd known me for years, that i was so warm, so comforting even across a city.

    and i thought... why do i feel the same?why does that make me suspicious?what kind of mindfuck is my brain preparing me for?

    so i was nervous having slept with someone who ive only known for three weeks. but i dove in, and embraced happiness, and figured. what could go wrong?

    after 24 years, it was beautiful for 24 hours.

    and now everything feels wrong

    weve talked once, for like twenty minutes, and he doesnt respond to texts unless i ask a direct question and even then not so much. but when i confronted him, he played dumb, and said he couldnt wait to see me and he loved it and is coming over on thursday night and he cant wait blah blahblah.....

    and i've honestly been very good about containg my inner stalker.

    but why wont he talk to me. to me sex means more intimacy, more sharing...or an ending

    you cant jus go in the other direction, you have to move forward or stop.

    am i wrong? should i just accept that i lost my virginity to a stranger who lies. try and block it out, erase his number and move on.

    i havent been suicidal in months, and this has left me spiraling out of control. numb and scarily self destrcutive.

    i'm defintily not calling him or texting him. if he doesnt contact me tomorrow, then i guess i'll know.

    you cant control other people. and i cant control myself.

    my life really is shit every time it starts.

    need to just keep myself out of it all.

    im gonna go live in the woods with the bears.
  2. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    this is actually a girl talk topic, not as much as a suicide forum one. im not making fun on you in any ANY way sweets. its just that well, youve just been hit and run. =/

    this is one of those instances where you get exposed to the scum of the male world. not the kind who can own up to wanting a one night stand, those lot at least have some self respect and deserve a shot for their honesty. no, this particular type of noxious toe fungus are the guys who go out of their way to pretend they care, pretend theyre in for the long haul, and then its wham, bam, thanks mam.

    im glad your first time was good. trust me, it only ever gets better. and wait till you connect with someone you love and who loves you back, even if for that part of your life.

    you'll always think back to this man as a lesson learnt.

    girrrrrrl powah!!! :hug: :hug: :
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey, congratulations on losing your virginity at 24. I'm a 31 year old virgin and still waiting for the right woman to have an intimate relationship with. Unfortunately, it seems that your boyfriend is one of the 'jerks' that I was referring to in my thread in the Relationships forum. Sadly, there are lots of guys like that out there and they give the rest of us guys a bad reputation and cause women to hate men. For many guys, having sex with a girl is like a challenge, and once the goal has been accomplished, it's time to move on to the next challenge. Maybe he'll be different, I don't know.
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