I'm sorry this is kinda of a long, but to share it is only meant to help provide the complete picture of what I'm facing. It's complicated and maddening!!! (for me) I'll share as plainly and simply as poss. I've been on total overload lately. Too many irons in the fire if you will, but the biggest stress has been regarding therapy. Within the past 13mon I've experienced two trauma's (or so I'm told), and I've begun experiencing things I've never experienced before just within the past month. I have had several nightmares, and began having panic attacks. Thankfully I've only had two attacks, but still the fact that I'm having them speaks volumes - at least to me. I'm really isolating now, too. I don't go out unless I absolutely have to, and I try to get as much done while I'm out to prevent the need for additional trips out. I want to drop out of everything I do which is concerning to one of my supports. I have had 2.5 lines of support, and by the half I mean one who kept trying to push me out the door so they were there but not really interested in actually helping. They kept thinking I didn't actually need the help because I was still functioning despite the quality of that functioning had become severely impacted. This 'half' person just happened to be my therapist, so a couple weeks ago I sucked up the courage to request a new one. They said it 'might' work out, but they weren't for sure. They said I should either get a call from the new therapist (if it worked out) or the scheduling person, but if it wasn't going to work out they'd call me. Over a week later I still hadn't heard from anyone!! I finally called the old therapist to ask what the status was about the new therapist, but they never called back. Finally, totally unable to deal with the stress of it all, I called the old therapist and just said I didn't want to do therapy at all now. Of course they never even called regarding that, either. The other two supports have been my doctor and the behavioral health lady at my dr's office. I can't do therapy with the BH lady, but she's been a go to person and support while trying to get the therapist situation sorted out. My doctor did a depression screening, and it's obvious she's concerned about the results because she keeps having me come in for follow up on things that can be done via email, and even one of things she has me going in for doesn't need to be done at all cuz it's managed. The BH lady knows I've experienced two panic attacks and the nightmares. She also knows I have concerns living alone - sometimes. I was actually surprised she questioned why I'm afraid, and went on to ask if it was cause I have thoughts of hurting myself. I answered honestly, and said yes - sometimes. I told her I hadn't made any actual plans at that point (this was 2wks ago), but that it's been an extreme temptation nonetheless. She's also aware that I'm isolating as much as possible and every chance I can. The BH lady and my doc stay in touch with one another regarding me. Well, after I called the therapist and left a message saying I didn't want to do therapy anymore I emailed the BH lady to let her know what I had done and decided with therapy. I also let her know that I didn't want to do the next follow up with my doctor (that's when the BH lady talks to me in person before or after my doc sees me). Told her I couldn't see the point of the follow up, and honestly I can't. I know the follow up's are just so they can check on me which is kind of them, but here's the thing. I really can't see the point of going in for my doc's said reasons (they're physical reasons), and there's a part of me that is so done with talking to any of them. The entire thing has been far too stressful for me!!! The BH lady finally replied to my email today (she was at a conference the past few days), and she's asked that I keep my follow up appt's with my doc for a while (if I'm up for it) so her and my doc can check in with me. I really don't want to as much as I appreciate their caring. She also said I can turn to her if things get difficult again, but what she doesn't know is that they haven't stopped being difficult. I want to reply to the email and say just that, and yet at the same time I'd prefer to just let her know I don't want to talk anymore. However, given what she knows about me I'm afraid of the consequences of saying either. I don't know how to word the reply so I can stop the communications all while not concerning them even more. I also refuse to lie. I know if I share anything that she's going to ask more questions to keep the lines of communication going. I'm struggling more than I care to discuss with the BH lady even though I can tell she actually cares, and I absolutely refuse to talk to the therapist due to her minimizing my expressed situation(s). No one knows that just this past Tues night I was chatting online with a suicide prevention chat person. I haven't had anymore panic attacks or nightmares - thankfully, but I'm isolating even more now. I've been hanging on till I get through Fri night, but there are no guarantees after that. Here I sit with two people ready and wanting to support me, but I don't want to open that door anymore than it already is. In fact, I've been trying to close the door, and they're trying to keep it open. I really do appreciate that they care, but don't see that I have it in me to go through all this anymore. It's TOOOOOOO much!!!!