how i'm on anti depresants, how my mum is still indenial that theres anything wrong with me, she keeps saying at least i havent suffered any abuse i cant tell her about the rapes and my dad, i wouldnt be able to, and what about all the shit she's put me through, she thinks just cause she said sorry and i said it was ok it makes it all better, she thinks i dont realise she has a drink problem just like her dad? she thinks her shouting and verbal abuse never effected me? whats gonna happen to me, am i goning to get help? should i be honest with the shrink after not being honest with the doctor? will i be diagnosed? will i be locked up? will something really serious be found? will they just say theres nothing wrong and i'm only pretending? thats its "all in my head" ? how much do i say to them? how much is too much? will they just think i'm attention seeking? will they actually take in what i'm saying and NOT brush it off? just because i can see whats wrong doesnt mean i can fix them, i can switch off and go to 'autopilot' and recite off all my 'problems' but then because i dont get emotional theres no problem, so whats a girl to do? will anyone believe that i CANNOT go outside. it scares the shit out of me. even stephen doubts me. he always comments, oh your fine today, when i'm not i'm just not saying anything when i want to scream so loud and cry till my lungs tear through my throat. i put on my happy face cause i need to keep it together, people cant handle me not together, they dont understand it. it scares them i think, cause i'm the one who stays together and is collected, thats just cause i dont tell them what i'm really thinking. or feeling. what are you supposed to do whats the best way i'm done with pretending but i dont want to be dissmissed and told nothings wrong... which prob will happen.. and i dont want to have to report anything either.. its all confussing.. its too much..