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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wheresmysheep, Dec 26, 2008.

  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    how i'm on anti depresants,
    how my mum is still indenial that theres anything wrong with me, she keeps saying at least i havent suffered any abuse i cant tell her about the rapes and my dad, i wouldnt be able to,
    and what about all the shit she's put me through, she thinks just cause she said sorry and i said it was ok it makes it all better, she thinks i dont realise she has a drink problem just like her dad?
    she thinks her shouting and verbal abuse never effected me?

    whats gonna happen to me, am i goning to get help?
    should i be honest with the shrink after not being honest with the doctor?
    will i be diagnosed?
    will i be locked up?
    will something really serious be found?
    will they just say theres nothing wrong and i'm only pretending?
    thats its "all in my head" ?
    how much do i say to them?
    how much is too much?
    will they just think i'm attention seeking?
    will they actually take in what i'm saying and NOT brush it off?

    just because i can see whats wrong doesnt mean i can fix them, i can switch off and go to 'autopilot' and recite off all my 'problems' but then because i dont get emotional theres no problem, so whats a girl to do?

    will anyone believe that i CANNOT go outside. it scares the shit out of me.
    even stephen doubts me.
    he always comments, oh your fine today, when i'm not i'm just not saying anything when i want to scream so loud and cry till my lungs tear through my throat.

    i put on my happy face cause i need to keep it together, people cant handle me not together, they dont understand it.
    it scares them i think, cause i'm the one who stays together and is collected, thats just cause i dont tell them what i'm really thinking. or feeling.
    what are you supposed to do
    whats the best way
    i'm done with pretending but i dont want to be dissmissed and told nothings wrong...
    which prob will happen..
    and i dont want to have to report anything either..
    its all confussing..
    its too much..
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

  3. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    sorry i missed this emma, if you ever want to talk about this more, maybe let some of it out of your system, i am around :hug:
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    It does sound like you're overwhelmed right now. Massive :hug: I hope it helped a bit, writing everything down.

    I'm sorry your mum and people in your life aren't taking you seriously. It's not just in your head though, if you're thinking about suicide then there's a problem. I understand about the putting on the happy face thing, being seen as the strong one and not telling anyone how you're really feeling. I always try and keep it together for my sister and have hidden things so as not to upset her. And then you do that for so long it's like it's hard to break out of that mould. It's ok to tell people, to be vulnerable..I understand how hard it is to do though :sad:

    I think you should be honest with your shrink, they won't tell you that you're attention seeking, tell them everything you've written here and they definitely won't brush you off. I always find it easier to talk to people outside my family, like doctors or whatever about how I feel because I guess..it's theyre job and theyre objective and unemotional mostly about it. They won't put you in hospital unless you have any immediate plans. Going into hospital might be ok anyway as you'd get a break from everything and be able to concentrate on getting better. :hug: don't worry.

    I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and how you're being treated. It's not fair and you don't deserve it. You've been strong to have lived through it. I think you should try and see a therapist as maybe you'll be able to talk a bit more easily and they could help you to figure and deal with your feelings and your past.
  5. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I think you should tell your doctor everything. If like me you find that almost impossible to do here's a tip...
    Before you go write everything down. If you find it too hard to tell them just ask them to read it instead. Then you only have to answer their questions which can be hard enough in itself.
    Hope this helps...
    Lea :hug:
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    so many people, so few responces.
    in advance ty for those who did respond.
    the rest of you
    you ungreatful pack of shite!
    the lot of you
    i have done nothing but support people since i came here
    tried to raise spirits, and in the whole i apparently helped.
    and what do i get?
    i get treated like a piece of shit that doesnt deserve help or recognisign.
    wtf people.
    this is seriously fuckied up
    i just have to get it all out
    its all shit
    you all cockbites!
    how can you leave a 'friend' to wallow like this?
    how can you let someone suffer your same mental probelms alone!
    why are you all ignornat
    you shun me for bottling my problems up
    then you shun me for seeking help
    this site is backward
    what do you think i am?
    a liar?
    an attentionseeker?
    just spit it out
    let me know what you think
    i want all who view it to post their view of me.
    i need to know where i stand!!
    you ungreatful lot.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :eek:hmy: sorry emma :sad: I also didn't see this until now.

    You aren't any of those things you mentioned. You deserve help just like everyone else. Your mom sounds exactly the same as mine. I don't think they can fully understand unless they have been through it themselves.Perhaps ask her to go your next doctors appointment with you?

    I'm so sorry to hear of the abuse hun. I can relate to that, I've been through it myself. It's never easy but you can lessen the pain with the right help. We are all here for you. You know where to find me anytime of the day or night :hug:

    I wish you the best of luck with your new medicine, watch out for mood changes while on anti-depressants, if you begin to feel worse, see your doctor straight away. :wub: you!
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    babes im sorry i wasnt online until just now. i love you. im here for you anytime, call or text me if you need me. :wub: emz xxx
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    i love you :hug:
  10. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry for the outburst,
    mood swing
    i'm just finding it so unbelievavly hard to cope,
    i know i'm not the only one and i'm just getting to a point of being an insufferable moan,
    but i cant. i'm back to cry in bed under the covers
    back to not moving.
    i'm angry and have lashed out
    i just want it to go away
    fuck it all
    i cant do anything!
    i want nothingness to enclose on me
    i want peace
    do i not deserve it after all this fucking torture
    what the fuck have i done to get all this
    why the fuck was it me
    life is one big fucking C U N T
    i hate it
    i cant stand it
    i want to tear my hair out
    rip my skin off
    i want to scream a blood curdiling scream
    i fucking hate it
  11. NPNS

    NPNS Well-Known Member

    Hey Emma

    I'm so sorry that you feel like this - coping with psycological problems is so hard alone. But you do have loads of people here that love you, and offer support.

    I completely understand about feeling so confused. I think Leiaha is right - you should write everything down and show it to your doctor. Or perhaps, you could write it down and send it to him ahead of your appointment, so that he has more time to think about what you've said and offer the best solutions?

    I'm always here if you need to talk. :hug:
  12. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    Emma, i know im not the only one to say it but you cant let it out on me and here as much as you want, we are all here for you
  13. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Feel so horrible for you - :confused: The only appropriate response is probably to scream with you, cry with you and to say that there are those who you can reach out to who will care. You deserve so much more. :rose: Please talk to the therapist, they go into that business because they want to care and help...they should know how to handle the situation with the least horror and pain; I can only send you hug :hug:
  14. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thank you all.

    i dont know what to say.


    i'm just so shit atm,


    -lost- :unsure:
  15. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    ok, need another outburst.

    I was in stephens last night, first time in nearly a year, so that was stressful as i hadnt seen his mother and brother in that long.

    and on the way back today on my own, i was extremely neausous on the point of holding back vomit. So i got my mum to collect me at the bus stop as i needed to go to the post office also.

    when i got in the car she started talking to me about the meds i'm on, saying that they're to strong and i dont need them as i'm not depressed and i'm just to lazy or i dont have the motivation to do anything, such as get up go out etc.

    so she's telling me not to take my meds for the next 2 days then take half a tab.

    i just dont know
    i'm strongly against self medication, but i am unable to tell her to butt out, you cannot imagine. in my life i have only spoken back to her once.

    i dont know what i'm looking for by posting this, i just, idk, i'm so hopeless and pathetic, how am i supposed to balance out keeping my mum happy and getting better?

    i just wanna go

    so much less pain that way
  16. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    oi misses

    ignore your mum

    take your meds as your doc told you to :mad:
  17. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    we're going out for a chinese meal tonight now

    my mum, my step dad (brothers dad), my brother, stephen, and me.

    i'm so scared

    i dont want to go
    but i cant not go

    i feel like i'm goign to be sick

    its all kicking in

    i hope mum doesnt expect me to be dressed up

    she already hinted at a shower
    but i'm not going to

    i wont be able to handle taht AND a reseraunt....

    only 3 hours to go...........
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hun if the stress is too bad, don't go :hug: Surely they will understand, but if not just 'play sick' :hug:
  19. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    no my mum wont accept that, and in regards to understanding, she insists theres nothing wrong with my and i've just lost my motivation... :dunno:

    its just



  20. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    my mum is really drunk, so i dont have to go now! stephen cant get a bus till half 8 and she said i can stay here wait for him and they'll send a take out around

    thank fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!