I have to admit the way I think about suicide now, compared to the way I thought about it before has changed. It used to be wishful thinking. Wanting to escape the pain I was in for 10 years but not being fully aware of how bad that pain really was. Now the pain of 10 years of abuse has shown itself in it entirety and suicide has become a matter of desperation to escape the pain. It is actually quite frightening because it's almost instinctual. Like two primal parts of me fighting. I have never in my whole life felt this depth of pain. I've been through a lot of things. I've survived a lot of situations. If feels funny to survive so much only to be taken down by my emotions.