Ok, so first things first, i'm an idiot. Decided that today was such a non-day, that i was feeling nothing, to go poking around in my head. Turned out to be a fucking great idea, apart from the complete stupidness of it, the various cuts and marks on my body, and the rope around my neck. Would be awesome if they weren't all self inflicted, but i digress. So i'm feeling suicidal, hence the post here, and trying to work out the reasoning behind it. Or more accurately, a solution to the reasoning behind it. Break it down simply... Dad was an abusive bastard, emotionally and mentally mostly, physically on occasion (not sexually though). Mum stayed with him all through that, and i'm pretty certain that was my fault. She didn't want a child originally (she admitted that when i was much older), but was always treated me well, as much as she could for a kid at the time who hid everything and isolated himself. Got me thinking, i struggle talking to guys about the deep stuff... which, on a side note, i apologise for, because i know i've talked to some guys on here, but probably haven't been as loquacious as i could have been (though i struggle holding conversations in general)... anyway that's a tangent. I never thought much about how the way my dad treated her in that context, and my own feelings of guilt for feeling like i put her in that position (they are definately there, despite the probable arguments that they are irrational). And i realised (and i don't know how true this is, but seemed to make sense), that in my desire to be absolutely nothing like my father, and make up for burdening my mother so, could explain why i cannot deal well with women either, particularly in relationships. Always thinking about her first, to the point my own wellbeing is nothing (which it always has been anyway, so i've not thought on it too much in this context), trying to give everything i can to make her happy (where her is, specifically, my current girlfriend, but could probably apply to many interactions i've had with women in the past). Maybe that i find it easier to open up to women is the same deal... if someone shows an active interest and openness, it draws me in mentally (which happens anyway, regardless of this logic), and i usually end up sharing far more than i mean to, because i think they want to know, and think of that more than i think of my desire to keep things in. I guess there are advantages to this, but as the disadvantages are what seem to be screwing over my wellbeing right now (or more accurately, the most easily identifiable factor). I'm not even sure if this post makes sense here, beyond the fact that i am feeling suicidal, and my thinking on this seems to be the trigger for it. I'm not sure what i'm looking for in way of response, or if there is any response that will make things make sense. Sorry.