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Overweight And Not Proud..Of Anything..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kaspazzy, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    I miss out on a lot of things because I'm overweight. I am severely overweight and have been struggling to lose more than 100 lbs. I can't gain any real friends, no one gives me the chance. I can't go to bars and meet anyone like I hear my sisters doing all the time. It makes me feel completely depressed, thinking about guys making fun of me and ruining my night. I just want to have fun. I don't care about getting kissed, I'm afraid of a guy leading me on and being completely played.

    I've never had a functional relationship. I've dated before but it never lasts more than a month. I hate knowing what love feels like, true love and to be completely torn from that. I live with my parents and I despise it. I'm nothing but a cleaning slave for them. I resort to the internet, music, my room..going out and spending my money just to get away for a bit. Just a little bit. I feel like I'm constantly trying to grasp for a little happiness every day and sometimes, I barely make it. My way of coping is eating. I've been trying not to eat and because I don't, I get upset and I start to have an episode. Thank lanta I bought an iPod, or I would be destroyed.

    I wish I could have that one go to person. I don't have that person to go to, not even on here. I can't come here and think " oh that person will be there for me.." no. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My best chance at having some sort of happiness is to go back into therapy and even that seems hopeless. I often wonder if all I'm doing is waiting for death. I feel like I can't win with anyone, it's just constant fighting all day long and then somehow, I'm caught in the middle whenever things go wrong. My only real escape is going to sports and I feel way too exhausted to do any of those.

    I feel like I can't get out of it anymore. I feel like that this is the end, no matter what I do. Yeah..I can call a suicide hotline but what are they going to do? Call an ambulance and whisk me off to the hospital where I pointlessly stay overnight and go back home? Yeah that routine is far too familiar to me. I don't plan on going to the hospital and I don't plan on telling people how I truly feel. I've done that same thing for 13 years and not one person bothered to truly help me. I have been shouting, kicking, screaming for 13 long years and everyone just gave up. I'm worse than I used to be when I was a kid so why would 13 more years be any different? I've waited it out, I've waited like they told me to and nothing got better.
  2. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    What matters is what is on the inside, not the outside. I can't relate to the overweight part, I am extremely skinny (much to skinny for my height, over 6' feet tall and under 150 lbs). But what I can say, is that I have had relationships in the past with people who I didn't originally find physically attractive (not saying you aren't!!!) but found after a while I did find them attractive, after a emotional connection developed. There is someone out there for you, I have no doubt about that. The relationship will come. My father is over weight and he's about to get married to an amazing and attractive women; he's almost 40, sometimes it takes people longer to find that person. Any guy who would just want to play you, sounds like a loser you wouldn't want to waste time with either.

    I know what its like to blow your money on stuff you don't really even, want just to have a reason to get out of the house. I still live with my parents too, although hopefully that will change soon; you're not alone in that regard.

    What kind of music do you listen to?

    I would be that person. I haven't ever really developed a relationship with anyone on the site, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

    I need to go back to therapy as well, but I don't since I'm pretty self sabotaging.

    Fuck getting 5150'd.

    As an atheist I don't believe in faith, I stand with Nietzsche on the matter. What I do know though, is that losing hope leads to a very, very dark place. Faith is believing in something when there is no evidence or reason to believe in it. Hope is simply not losing believe in the realization that things can get better.

    You're not alone.
  3. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    People tell me that all the time, that what only matters is on the inside. I used to believe this but I don't anymore. I want to believe that someone will love me, truly love me for who I am and realize that I'm not a person with problems, I'm just severely lonely. My day consists of being obsessed with reality shows and daydreaming a hopeless dream about being on some of them. Big Brother Canada, I want nothing more than to be on there and to be happy. I pray for millions of loving fans and people who care for me and want to be friends because they think that I'm cool. I know how far fetched that would be. I mean I can't even win anything on a Tim's cup, how am I going to get on Big Brother? Wishful thinking, but just a fantasy.

    I don't just blow my money on things. I either go to Timmies or Starbucks and just sit there by myself for an hour or two, then go off and buy something at the grocery store just to kill time until it gets pitch black outside, then I head home. I have no energy to move by myself and I have no energy to deal with people here. I love my family deeply but I can't stand them anymore. I used to tolerate it when things happened but now, it's passed that, 3 years down the road and everything is slightly worse. I can't stand being blamed for things I've never had anything to do with and I'm sick and tired of having only one true, genuine friend who I can semi turn to but only 2% of the time and that's my sister. She's usually busy with HER friends so I again, barely have anyone. I feel alone, I feel trapped and people don't understand that. I feel like it's easier to end my life than try to fight my way out and I don't even want to do that. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be excited about, nothing to be happy about..It's nothing. My life is nothing and I feel like nothing to everyone in my house.

    Music? I listen to different songs. Nothing in particular other than Rhianna. The song I connect most to for no reason at all, is Two For The Show by Trooper. I feel like it's a part of me. What songs do you listen to?

    I'll take anyone who wants to be that one person, honestly. I would then have a reason to come here every day.

    It's not the faith, I just feel like I had been lied to. I've had people tell me " it gets better ". I knew that once I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, it probably wasn't going to get better unless I piled the meds down my throat, which I didn't want to do and have chosen not to do for 3 years. I don't see the point, they're going to know either way. I wanted to feel normal instead of pill fake happy. I've never wanted to lose hope, which is why I'm still alive but there is no hope for me no matter if I stay alive or end my life. Either way, it'll stay the same. Maybe not forever but it sure seems like forever. I know what can recover me and something like that is so far out of reach, it's not even funny.
  4. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    Look as someone who knows what it is like to be bombarded with the useless platitudes that people tell others who suffer from depression, I know where you are coming from; that being said, this isn't one of them!

    Screw wishing about being on a t.v. show; reality t.v. (make your own reality as exciting) I realize that seems impossible, I know since I've watched that show as well, but that isn't reality. Instead of focusing on wanting to live up to reality t.v.'s distorted perceptions, create your own.

    At least you don't break down crying in the grocery store, like I regularly do.

    A natural by-product of depression.

    I CAN RELATE; pm me when you are feeling like this.

    I listen to alot of punk.

    We'll you've just found them :).

    Just PM me, you remind my way too much of myself, despite having different diagnosis. I love you, despite not even knowing you (as cheesy and cliched as that sounds).
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    It's a bit of a vicious cycle. You eat because it's a coping mechanism, yet you are saying you're a fair bit overweight. And when you try not to eat you have an episode. Maybe if you concentrated on yourself instead of comparing yourself to others it might help too.

    What you ideally want is someone to call a friend. Someone you can turn to in times of need. But while you're not doing a lot actively, wouldn't that be more harmful than good? You try sports but get exhausted doing so... It's natural when dealing with these things that without practice or training you would be. Don't give up on something you like doing just because you get exhausted a bit easier or because it doesn't yield immediate results.

    Above all, it's your life. Yes, you want some things that you're struggling with right now, but maybe you need to look at what you are doing to see if you can do more with your choices. Just an idea.
  6. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    I would love nothing more than to focus on myself and only myself. I have been trying to do that for years but honestly, my family - especially my parents - don't let that happen. My mom is an obsessive neat freak and nags me to death about everything. I'm not just saying one or two things, it's past the point of unbearable. I am striving to move out on my own but I don't know when or where. I know that even though I have PWD, I need to find a job, a proper job to have as a safety net but I can't get a job with my condition. I feel completely depressed and constantly trying to find my way out of the house. I hate it but what can you do.

    I've had friends before but they've always turned on me. I'm beginning to feel like I'm not worth it, that there is something wrong with me and not them. I want to go out but I can't stand being around people, I also can't stand being completely alone. If I had a friend that could sit next to me on my bed and listen to me thoroughly without telling me to stop or shut up, I would be okay. I'm not okay and I'm tired of having these episodes every 5 minutes because I can't deal with the people I live with. I don't want to be around them, I don't want to talk to them. I'm constantly jealous of those who have parents they can go to, I can't go to my parents. I wasn't ever welcome to tell them my state of mind or what I've been thinking and then they get upset with me when something bad happens. It's pushed me far away from them and I don't feel like trying to sit them down to get them to understand that.

    My problem is, whenever I think of the choices I have and what I can do to get to it, my mind and my thoughts starts scrambling and I get overworked. I then can't deal with myself and give up entirely on that idea. I try really hard to get out of it but nothing has worked for me.