I miss out on a lot of things because I'm overweight. I am severely overweight and have been struggling to lose more than 100 lbs. I can't gain any real friends, no one gives me the chance. I can't go to bars and meet anyone like I hear my sisters doing all the time. It makes me feel completely depressed, thinking about guys making fun of me and ruining my night. I just want to have fun. I don't care about getting kissed, I'm afraid of a guy leading me on and being completely played. I've never had a functional relationship. I've dated before but it never lasts more than a month. I hate knowing what love feels like, true love and to be completely torn from that. I live with my parents and I despise it. I'm nothing but a cleaning slave for them. I resort to the internet, music, my room..going out and spending my money just to get away for a bit. Just a little bit. I feel like I'm constantly trying to grasp for a little happiness every day and sometimes, I barely make it. My way of coping is eating. I've been trying not to eat and because I don't, I get upset and I start to have an episode. Thank lanta I bought an iPod, or I would be destroyed. I wish I could have that one go to person. I don't have that person to go to, not even on here. I can't come here and think " oh that person will be there for me.." no. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My best chance at having some sort of happiness is to go back into therapy and even that seems hopeless. I often wonder if all I'm doing is waiting for death. I feel like I can't win with anyone, it's just constant fighting all day long and then somehow, I'm caught in the middle whenever things go wrong. My only real escape is going to sports and I feel way too exhausted to do any of those. I feel like I can't get out of it anymore. I feel like that this is the end, no matter what I do. Yeah..I can call a suicide hotline but what are they going to do? Call an ambulance and whisk me off to the hospital where I pointlessly stay overnight and go back home? Yeah that routine is far too familiar to me. I don't plan on going to the hospital and I don't plan on telling people how I truly feel. I've done that same thing for 13 years and not one person bothered to truly help me. I have been shouting, kicking, screaming for 13 long years and everyone just gave up. I'm worse than I used to be when I was a kid so why would 13 more years be any different? I've waited it out, I've waited like they told me to and nothing got better.