Overwhelmed and stressed

iloverachel

No longer suicidal after 8 years of depression
#24
I'm sorry as I haven't been on here in awhile and I seem to come on here when something is bothering me. But I am feeling so stressed and upset right now. Several things have happened that have really gotten to me in a way that I just want to quit my job, drink and just be done with life. I just feel like I'm not making any real progress at all. I'm sorry for not making sense but I'm just really tired.
*hug
I am so sorry for the pain you have held for so long
Please keep venting
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#25
Sounds like it's worth her asking them at least. Could save some big $$. A lot of companies like the extra security they gain from having more control over the employee's computers they hand out.
She ended up borrowing a computer from someone, but said she would like my help later down the road when she is able to get a certain amount of money on her end. This seems fair to me.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#26
One of the other reasons why I feel bad is because I am trying to work through some really painful stuff in therapy and it's much harder than I thought. The other day I opened up about one of four past rejections and I got to a difficult part where I had to talk about wanting to end my life over it. I felt like I was reliving all the emotions all over again. And there were so many emotions. But either way, I feel like a bad and manipulative person. I am not finished talking about this hurt and there are still two more to open up about. There's a good chance my therapist will drop me before this is over because I just feel so flawed and broken and messed up.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#29
There's nothing bad or manipulative about talking about your experiences and how you feel. That's what therapy is for.
I say I'm bad and manipulative because of how I handled some of the rejections I experienced. I know I may have mentioned this before but in some of those rejections I ended up telling the rejector(?) that I wanted to end my life. And despite it being years since some of these happened, there is still this sense of shame and guilt in trying to open up to my therapist about it.
 
#30
If you told the rejector that you wanted to end your life without the intention of manipulating them, it's not manipulation. You were just telling the truth.

If you told them with the intention of manipulating them, it's not in itself something good, but it was also something coming of an intense need you had, which makes it a lot more forgivable. Like if someone is on fire, and they try to guilt trip someone into throwing a bucket of water on them, or a starving person stealing some food. These things are not good in themselves, but also the sort of thing that anyone would do if they were in the same position. It's something very much different than, for example, someone manipulating a person into taking a subprime mortgage loan because they want to make money to buy a new sports car or take a skiing vacation in Switzerland.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of and I hope you'll talk to your therapist about this.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#31
If you told the rejector that you wanted to end your life without the intention of manipulating them, it's not manipulation. You were just telling the truth.

If you told them with the intention of manipulating them, it's not in itself something good, but it was also something coming of an intense need you had, which makes it a lot more forgivable. Like if someone is on fire, and they try to guilt trip someone into throwing a bucket of water on them, or a starving person stealing some food. These things are not good in themselves, but also the sort of thing that anyone would do if they were in the same position. It's something very much different than, for example, someone manipulating a person into taking a subprime mortgage loan because they want to make money to buy a new sports car or take a skiing vacation in Switzerland.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of and I hope you'll talk to your therapist about this.
No....it wasn't out of trying to manipulate them. I ended up harming myself that night. And eventually, when I tried later to end my life, but couldn't go through with it out of cowardice, that was when I turned to alcohol. Kind of hard to fake alcoholism. My therapist said that I told the rejector what I did to show how much I cared. But I don't know if that was really what I was trying to do telling someone I wanted to end my life. I just know I felt so overwhelmed with hurt and anger and just reacted impulsively.

Sorry, I probably didn't explain that well. But still, it's hard not feeling like a bad person over this and other things.
 
#32
Sorry, I probably didn't explain that well.
I think you explained that well, there's nothing to be sorry about.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, especially if you weren't trying to manipulate them.

My therapist said that I told the rejector what I did to show how much I cared. But I don't know if that was really what I was trying to do telling someone I wanted to end my life. I just know I felt so overwhelmed with hurt and anger and just reacted impulsively.
I think anyone who had been in your shoes, and felt what you felt, would have done exactly the same thing. How could you be to blame for doing something that anyone would have done? How could you be to blame for something that you didn't even plan to do?

Maybe you weren't trying to show how much you cared, but you're still not to blame for it.
 
#34
One of the other reasons why I feel bad is because I am trying to work through some really painful stuff in therapy and it's much harder than I thought. The other day I opened up about one of four past rejections and I got to a difficult part where I had to talk about wanting to end my life over it. I felt like I was reliving all the emotions all over again. And there were so many emotions. But either way, I feel like a bad and manipulative person. I am not finished talking about this hurt and there are still two more to open up about. There's a good chance my therapist will drop me before this is over because I just feel so flawed and broken and messed up.
I totally relate to this, you are not alone. I have found the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube helpful. She often talks about how talk therapy can be re traumatizing and she has free self help methods like journalling and burning the pages etc. It has helped me in the past bc therapists love to drop me as being too much also. Hugs to you
 

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