Overwhelmed, slowly fading

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Down in a hole, Sep 13, 2006.

  1. Hi to all,
    I am new to this forum, but I sought it out for many reasons. I am so drained that I can't possibly tell you my whole story right now, but I'll recap just some of the things that have brought me here.
    To start with, my trusted counselor of 8 years has just left her job to move thousands of miles away, and I have to start with someone new at the end of the month. I last spoke to her on September 7, 2006, over the phone, on her last day- I was filled with tears. I will miss the comfort of her, maybe forever. I had one counselor before her from the end of 1996 to the beginning of 1998. I took some time off, then found Cathleen ( my counselor that has just left).
    I can talk to anybody, but I loved her.
    Some of the issues I had been discussing with her pertained mostly to loss;
    'Just a heads up, I have no children, I am in a relationship of 17 years, and my animals are my life. I still have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 pet mice, and 2 wild, hand-raised mice.'
    I have lost 11 pet mice, 3 pet cats, and my Paternal Grandmother ( the only one I knew) since May 2004. I thought I was grieving in a healthy way, but how can I be? Everything happened one on top of another.
    I have also lost contact with alot of the people who were supposed to care about me, I guess they couldn't handle what was happening to me, but I was ALWAYS there for them, even if it was for something that I thought was trivial in the grand scheme of things. That makes me angry! Now that their lives are going in the direction they want them to, they have forgotten about me and my pain. I had spent countless hours, days, weeks etc. listening to and helping them, and when I needed them they were gone. Add to that, my anger at myself for allowing their actions to change me, and leave me angry. I never used to be. I was always forgiving, and can't find that now.
    Now, compound that with the trials of daily life, and all that I have gone through, and all that I have come out of ( I'll talk more about that at another time), and I have ended up back "down in a hole".
    I am just venting, as I woke up today with much sadness and despair, and it was either find this forum, or go the garage, start the car, take all of the pills in the house, and sleep forever.
    Thanks for reading, I know it must not make much sense, but if you get to know me, you'll understand. I am talking to you the same way that I will have to start with a new counselor, only she'll have my file.
    Peace, Love, and Prayers,
  2. cthulhu

    cthulhu Well-Known Member

    as odd as it may seem, i think you sound prety normal for the loss you have sufered, as to the councelors(yah i cant spell), i my self went through dosens in my carier as a loony...i learned to not invest much into them...they arnt always as stable as we are...hehe...and resentaly i discovered that ppl i thought were gone forever, were never rely gone at all, just wating for me to come back to there door step, giving ppl space is often a persons frist reaction to loss, it sacres people, it dosnt make them love you any less or not want to be around you, it just meens they ar human just like you...i spoke with a friend yesterday, for the first time in 8 years...she was so extatic to har from me she blew off important work just speak to me, and i quot "we have always been your friends(her and her husband) and alway will be, we arnt going any were"...it shocked me to say the least, you may finde unexpectad afection around the next corner...so buck up young one and look tyo a brighter day, no matter the shadows you must walk through now, the IS light out there, we must peirce the veil of shadows and search with in and with out to find it, and a walk through a costume shop can reveal those old friend are wating for you to ask for help...
  3. SadDude

    SadDude Member

    please post your impressions of your new councelor, after you two meet.

    am i correct that you are married or have a partner of 17 years? if so, is comfort not available from them?

    wow, you sure do like mice! :thumbup:
  4. Hi,
    I just spent the last 20 minutes typing a reply, and when I went to post it said I wasn't logged in ( but I was), and now I lost the whole thing. I'll recap quickly.
    I did get a chance to speak with my new counselor during a crisis situation on Thursday, and she helped level me out. She arranged an appointment the folllowing morning, so I went in and met her. It's a little soon, but I think she can help. For one thing, she loves animals, mice too, so that is a plus. We had to work on a treatment plan, as mine was due, so that took up some of the time to talk, but at my next appointment in 2 weeks things should go smoother.
    As for my significant other, I have been leaning on him since 1989. He's great at listening, but doesn't have much to offer except, " Everything will get better" or " Everything will be alright." He is optomistic, I'll give him that, but things are worse now than ever, so I have a hard time believing what he says.
    Not to mention the fact that things for us are worse than ever ( financial etc.) so it's hard.
    My big thing is that I underwent treatment for depression, anxiety, panic, and headaches for 6 years, and then chose to detox myself. After 3 months, I felt great! Better than ever!
    Back during that time, I was miserable and couldn't even tell anyone why, thus chemical imbalance leading to trial and error meds and side effects. I take Xanax XR right now, but that is the only psychotropic drug I have had in 4 years.
    I used to look at depression in 2 ways, chemical imbalance and situational. However, my old counselor, Cathleen, told me that if enough negative things happen to you, it can turn into a chemical imbalance and that scares me! I don't want to have to take those meds again.
    I think that right now, I can identify the problems in my life, so I need help with problem solving and coping skills. I want to be o.k. in spite of my circumstances, not that I'll never feel bad, but I want to be able to handle it with grace and positivity. We shall see...
    Yes, I sure do love mice and all animals, that is why the deaths of my "family" have hit me so hard. The feeling in the house has changed. I do believe I will see them again, but I want them here, or I want to go there. Sometimes, I feel like I can't wait until it is my time. I have been dealing with the "pet" loss at another forum specifically for that, and it has helped, but I still think I have the symptoms of blocked grieving.
    I will write more of my history in the appropriate area on this forum at another time, and then you'll understand me better.
    Thanks for reading my ramblings, and for the responses. I am relieved to have found this forum with all of the losses I am dealing with, it can help me in between appointments with my counselor.
    Peace, Love, and Prayers,