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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by koko311, Jul 9, 2014.

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  1. koko311

    koko311 Member

    Recently I've been very tempted to overdose and silence my 16 years on this planet. I'd like people to rationally argue against my reasons why.

    First off, my life is not hard in any way. I was born into a middle class family, who has suffered little economically, aside from a few lost jobs and a divorce. My family is very loving. I see almost all of my family atleast once a month, but am in constant contact with one of my brothers, and my very hard working mother. Again, my life is pretty damn lucky. I've never been severely bullied, and it's never bothered me that much otherwise. Recently I've been cutting myself to avoid thinking about suicide, but I've had no such success. I'm going to one of the top public schools in my state, and although failing my first year of freshman completely due to a growth in depression, my current grades are up to par, which is even better considering they are AP courses. With that said, the thought of me committing suicide does not bother me as it would most.

    Now on my current knowledge of suicide, yes, it would devastate my entire family. To tell a little backstory, my two older brothers basically failed middle school and high school. To put it short, they weren't the happy ones, and I am. I've succeeded more than they have in school, and my parents generally regard me as the happy youngster. With that being said, it's probably the worst case scenario if I commit suicide for my family. I probably can't do a very well job of imagining how much pain it would cause them. This havoc I would cause my family, and friends, still wouldn't prevent me from committing suicide whatsoever. From what I've seen, the general response is "Think about how much it will hurt your family, your loved ones, everybody you know", "killing yourself won't solve anything, man up", "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem". The reasonings I've seen for not committing suicide in my eyes are idiotic. Having already addressed my family, the next two examples I see go together quite well. I'm not sure where the permanent saying came from but I think it might be one of the stupidest sayings to such a diverse issue I've ever read in my entire life. Sure, it could apply to what I'd consider shitty reasons to commit suicide (after typing this, I find it hilarious how easily I can judge people who've committed suicide - just another worthy factor of my intelligence), a.k.a. cheating girlfriend, losing a game, and any other thing pathetic - but if you seriously consider anything in life that won't ALWAYS be there, you're left with everything negative. Negativity will always be on this planet, it's permanent. This is probably because within my macro-oriented brain, in my opinion a single human is worth next to nothing in a massive scheme of things. The same scheme which I've been trying to fit my life into, and figure out, without success.

    Essentially, I cannot grasp this universe, and how little we know. These sorts of thoughts first started when one day I realized that every single human being has the potential to think exactly like I do. This frightens me the most. Going out into massive crowds or cities has become nonexistent for me. Whenever I look at pictures of big cities or crowds, I break into a cold sweat - I see those places as playgrounds for the violent, ill humans that roam this world in many numbers. I guess I've become paranoid. Take your average Joe, driving his car on his way to buy coffee and then go to work. This sort of lifestyle reeks of danger in my eyes, and I can't comprehend why I'm the only person I've know that's like this. It baffles me how Joe can so easily walk through massive crowds of random, impulsive, spontaneous acting, naturally violent human beings. Whenever I'm out, I'm always deducting the possibilities of my inevitable, miniscule death. Maybe this husband of three got really angry today and he decides to shoot me. Maybe this 3-time charged dui alcoholic says fuck it and ends up running me over. Perhaps I'd be special enough to be bombed while running in a fucking marathon. But no, I'm not thinking outside the box enough; these are the general deaths that are caused in my home country, America. I'd be privileged to die a quick, painless death in a school shooting, rather that be born amongst the masses who have been massacred, tortured, raped, starved to death on the counterpart of this country. Again, it completely baffles me considering that this species who generally thinks sooo highly of themselves, a species in which we consider massive is only a spec of dust in this individual unexplainable single universe we live in.

    To be frank, I'm tired of trying to figure all of this out. I'm tired of trying to figure out why I was born in the time period of technological transitions - the time period where people are actually figuring out that there really is no god, and I pity you if you still believe in that book. I'm still trying to figure out how people can go on with there day without recognizing the anguish and severe violence that other human beings - just like you - are going through this very second. I'm still trying to figure out what other life in this sole universe we live in is like. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck a universe is, and how the fuck people are actually trying to explain it through our limited base knowledge-theories. I'm still trying to figure out how people will react if I kill myself. Pfft it's obvious, you'll ruin a portion of their life - they love you. Right?

    I'm overwhelmed. This anthropological anxiety I've developed has invaded every single action I make. Things as simple as my room - filled to the brim with utter randomness which some other person has made across the entire globe. I can't comprehend this species and I'm beginning to grow sick of it. I'm growing tired of wondering about life, the universe, and anything we know or don't. I'm tired of it.

    This was all in one take so excuse my typo/repetition. I would like to here anybody's honest opinion on my view of life and any solid reason as to what my life is worth. I feel an overdose will be in my near future.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Koko311, welcome to the forum. From reading your post you are a very rationale person and intelligent person. I am not going to say the usual stuff about committing suicide. You are young and need to see more of life and I strongly suggest that speak to someone about your thoughts. There is point in living as you need to enjoy life first and experience it first. Ok, you are having a tough time at your educational place but there nothing to worry about low grades. Grades can be improved over time. Please keep posting your thoughts and take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2014
  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's a lot to respond to, and you bring up a lot of points - some of which I even think of or have thought about myself.

    First off, the fact that you're 16 and having such deep thoughts and revelations is really quite rare, in a good way. You're already looking at the world around you in such depth. These thoughts right now might be a total pain and can be stressful, but over time you're thinking will evolve, and as you potentially pursue answers to your many questions about the universe you will surely find some things that make sense to you. I echo what incrisis99 said - you are young and really do need to see a lot more of life, and I think seeing someone and talking to someone professionally about what you're going through could really be beneficial to you.

    I am 28 now, but when I was your age I had a lot of similar thoughts. I was dealing with major depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. From the outside, I shouldn't have been. At the time my family was upper-middle class, I had friends, loving family, I wasn't bullied, and I lived in a nice and quiet town; however, I my mind didn't work like other people my age. I always thought about deeper subjects, and often times had a difficult time coping with the world around me because I felt I was seeing things as they really were and from a broader perspective. This has always been a gift and curse to me. I say all this to say that I still am very frustrated and disgusted by the world around me, but I also have learned to not let those thoughts tear me down, personally. It's been a long process, but my life's experiences have helped me gather a better perspective on everything, and while I don't like the way things are no do I always agree with the way the world is, I at least understand it better.

    It's really hard to explain it, too, because I think when it comes to things like this you have to learn a lot of it yourself and forge your own path and thoughts. It also involved some "religious" (I hate that word) stuff too and I don't think talking publicly about that would be productive, but I would be more than obliged to divulge more through PM if you're interested.

    I really am not trying to make light of what you're going through, either, but I really want to say it actually encourages me to see people in a younger generation so perplexed by how this modern world works. I agree with you. This world is such an oddity, and when you look at it in terms of how it compares to the rest of human history it seems this day and age we live in is so incredibly strange and unique to itself. I encourage you to hang on, endure, be patient, and continue to seek answers to all your questions. Honestly, the world needs people like you. It's easy to get frustrated and saddened by what you see in the news every day, but you can't let the world/society win.
  4. koko311

    koko311 Member

    @incrisis When did I mention exams?
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My apologies, re-edited to say differently.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    koko - hi and pleased to meet you - you have amazing lucidity and comprehension of the world around you, and top marks for trying to make sense of it, which is a big ask at any age. I am one of the people you pity, but that's because I'm on the other side of the fence of what you have come to believe regarding God. Through believing I've come to see that there is sense to be made even out of the chaos and the evil, and I know that I'm not deceiving myself, because although you cannot see it at the moment, God is a logical God and deceives no one. Appearances are not all there is from which to draw our worldview.

    Anyway, out of time - workmen just about to arrive to do something to the house. Blessings and strength, you are a precious member of the human family, but that probably comes across as a bit twee......although objectively true about us all :)
  7. koko311

    koko311 Member

    I really appreciate your comment. It feels really silly to be so satisfied that somebody has had similar thoughts to me when it's painfully obvious somebody else would. I know that you learn different things the older you get, look at me now, but I'm still extremely skeptical if sticking in for the ride in the long run is really worth it or not.

    Thank you. I sincerely apologize if I've offended anybody about my heat-of-the-moment god comment, as comments such as these generally provoke bad conversation and are usually pointless. I'm glad you've found an output for this feeling; but my brain won't allow me to follow that path. From my point of view, I don't see any point to going on.
  8. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    Obviously, as everyone else has already said, you're an extremely intelligent individual, which I have to admit is very refreshing considering everything I'm normally used to hearing from people. Which brings me to my first point that I think it would be a loss to the world having a mind like that go to waste if you decided to kill yourself. Now granted, yes, as individuals, we are very miniscule in comparison to the entire universe, but think about it this way...a lot of people who have some kind of mental issues are usually the smartest and most intelligent types of people. I've found that the happier and more carefree people are, well...for the most part moronic. That's because a lot of mentally ill people see the world in more ways than one, and think a lot deeper and more creatively, and it's not fair that we're losing those people every day to suicide and are left with nothing but idiots who don't know their right nut from their left. Plus, you never know, maybe you were meant for something bigger than just your average monotonous go to work, come home, go to sleep lifestyle...but you'll never find out if you kill yourself. I, too, often wonder what the hell all of this means. How is it that most people can be completely satisfied just doing the same things over and over again, without even really understanding what the point of any of it is? You're not alone in that. However, I do agree with what someone else said about seeing the world. I think, with your obvious interest in how the universe works, you would have a lot more satisfaction trying to figure it out traveling to different countries, climbing mountaintops, deep-sea diving, or maybe even going into space. Any of those things are probably a lot different than trying to figure out the secrets of the universe stuck in one little city watching "your average Joe get his morning coffee". A lot of things could happen in your lifetime, and I think you should stick around to see them.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Your brain won't allow you to follow that path koko - that's what your brain has chosen and I'm not going to argue with anyone's choice. However, generically, our choices stem from our motivations, and there are some good empowering questions to ask your questioning mind that can help anyone who wants to find the insights they are missing which will help ease their angst about what they see all around them and what the point of it all is. Such as (for example) "Do I know enough about God as he/she/it really is/might be, or am I just projecting my conclusions about any higher power onto my limited understanding?" (which, in so doing actually makes us self-referential.) People who have become self-referential (i.e. without an objective plumbline for their ideas (much like when applying wallpaper, it's good to use a plumbline!) end up in cul-de-sacs that can be very hard to navigate.

    And I'm not offended by the comment you made koko - it's good that you are thinking and voicing things out, very healthy :) I've spent 55 or so years making sense of the God-factor, and can't see why conversations of this kind need to be 'bad' when everyone is confronted with the issue of truth, at some stage, as part of their journey in life :)
  10. koko311

    koko311 Member

    I admit that I feel clouded, and I appreciate your explanation, but religion is simply not for me. Conversations of this kind are completely fine and appropriate, it's just with my limited internet experience, topics of such rigor often result in arrogant and ignorant rants. I'm glad you don't seem to be such a person, though, and maybe there's a possibility for more insight in this world, but I have yet to see anybody else have it.
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well this is a VERY good start, koko!:) I do understand about the ranting and raving that goes on in the matter of differing worldviews and beliefs, but where the issue of truth is concerned, it is helpful in the learning process - which we are all in (unless we want to live as moles, underground in the dark!) to allow what God himself allows, and that is our freewill is inviolable and not to be tampered with - after all - "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still"!

    Seeing anyone else as "having it" - yes I agree. I do know what you mean. In general, the world isn't very "God-friendly" - and those who have "made it" and are out there with a public voice, are generally disregarded ..... There again, it is helpful to consider the lens through which we are looking, and what exactly it is we are looking for...... if you like, we can carry this conversation on by PM, or here - but I hope you do decide to continue with it, because you're keen for answers and insights to stop your feeling of being overwhelmed I can tell, and I know that they are there for you to discover :) Religion may not be for you and that's fine - but I have an idea that truth is and that you're searching for it. It doesn't need to be called 'religion' because that has such a bad press... :)
  12. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist. I'm not sure about whether you're looking for a philosophical discussion or something, but suicide doesn't seem to me to be an intellectual thing, it's a value judgement about your life.

    Perhaps you should look at it from a practical point of view. You describe your anxiety going out, and how you worry that someone could flip and kill you. This could be caused by social phobia or any number of things...a psychiatrist might have the answer and be able to treat you!
  13. koko311

    koko311 Member

    Going to any medical treatment is almost certainly not happening.
    I think you've misinterpreted how I feel. I have extremely practical views on my life, and as I've said I don't want to live anymore. It's as simple as me giving up; I don't want to go to the doctors and get "fixed", considering everything I can't comprehend will most likely always be that way. It's pointless.
  14. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    IBM sorry you feel it will most likely always feel that way, I know that I certainly felt like that before and yeah of course I do sometimes get like that, I found it nigh on impossible to get help or seek support because I was so terrified it wouldn't work, and it has taken time for me to go seek the help and it is working. What I am trying to say I guess is you deserve the chance to live a full happy life, and I hope you do at least give it scary seeking some help it isn't about getting fixed it's about giving yourself the chance you deserve.

    Take care and please be gentle on you

  15. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    If you die, you won't comprehend anything, you'll just be dead so you won't know you don't comprehend anything (perhaps that's what you want).

    If you live and study maths/physics/other things, you might get to understand the things you can't comprehend right now.
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    This is how it looks from this side of the equation - you do not know for sure to bank on it. Sorry to speak so plainly, but it's true - you simply cannot know that for certain.
  17. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Fair enough. I actually agree. But I got the impression that the thread starter completely didn't believe in any of that, so I was just discussing things from their perspective...perhaps I was wrong
  18. koko311

    koko311 Member

    I'm sorry but did you even read my op? The things I talk about - our own existence - can't be comprehended with math and physics. If I'll kill myself I'll be dead; I thought that was a given. I get the feeling you're implying that I would have "failed" if I go through with this because you seem to think I seek more understanding.
  19. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Why not?
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    sorry to belabour the point but it's something that might be worth some thought - I appreciate you getting on the same page as koko (i.e. "discussing things from their perspective") - which is, nevertheless, a subjective one. I do know what it's like to so totally want to believe that when you're dead you're dead, and that therefore makes it real - but, objectively speaking, it's impossible to know for sure from this side. :) I will shut up now, I don't want to hijack
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