I don't know what to do anymore. I've focused all my time helping others..even when I set a time limit for myself to get better. I have a close friend who wants to kill himself, an ex and a friend just out of the hospital, and a best friend who wants nothing more to help me. I go around asking everyone their problems but each time I try to help, they get mad at me. Like I'm just a problem. Like I need to go away. I set a date for myself...and only two people care. No one else bothers to convince me...to push me on the right path. I told my friend a story once When I was little and I got bullied on the playground, I'd take it until it hurt. Then I would scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" as loud as I possibly could. I'd keep screaming until my lungs gave out. Screaming for them to stop...I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like that now. I am screaming and everyone is just standing there...watching me. I feel alone and useless. I try everything to help my friends...but it doesn't work. They suffer...and I just want to take their pain away. I'm just overwhelmed and panicked...I can't do anything right. It came to the point where I did pp (abbreviation to censor, since it may be a method. its not illegal) to get high and forget everything, just hours ago. Now it went away and I feel even worse. I wanna scream...but I can't. I wanna cry, but I've cried way too much. I make people so mad and upset and frustrated at me. The abuse and molestation in my past is getting to me. I never had a childhood...I had to mature at the age of ten. I want to live again I want this to go away I wanna die I'm tired of it I can't survive anymore of this I CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took a disorder test...it didn't help. I must be a horrid person Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
You have to hold on to the people that care about you. I'm sure you can find more people that care. You just have to be patient. When you get enough people they can help you with everything that's going on.
But I don't know what to do No one can help I tried talking with someone...and they just got upset saying everyone was always asking them for help. I'm just a bother.. I can't do this David I snapped I can't Icanticanticanticanticanticant
I use to try to help others as a way to take away my own pain. I discovered I could not help them because this is something they would have to want to change and it takes them to change themself. Eventually, I looked at changing myself and at first it looked insulting because I always tried to help others. It was not that I was helping others, it was not understanding why I was doing it. There is help we give to give love (the good one) without expectation of anything in return. Then, there is help we give to get love (the bad one) and I expected people to love me and appreciate me because I was a good person. AA calls this pride in reverse. All I did was hurt myself more. I sure didn't need that because I was hurting already from horrible things that happened to me too. I drank to change the way I felt, it only worked a little while, then I felt worse. I felt worse because the pain was still there. Only one thing to do. Work through the pain. I highly recommend working with a therapist. It takes time, one session does not solve everything. I felt a lot of stuff through it, but when I walked through it, and felt it, I came out on the other side. The other side is some more freedom to chart my own path in life. Keep posting here, it will help. :hug:
I'm always going to be there for you. I wont turn you down. You know that. Things have been chaotic for everyone. I'm here for you.
I jsut can't do this anymore I hurt all over... I can't...I can't....I broke. Just now Everything is a blurr...I'm slicing the crap out of my arm. I'm shaking all over and my chest hurts so bad.
Damn it. You're supposed to at least make it to that day. You said youd give yourself time. Dont give up.
