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It seems there are entirely too many options to choose from in life. The variety of experiences available to humans is both fascinating and terrifying to me, and what is worse: I seem to be taking the road least desirable.
I do not see an improvement in myself taking place any time soon. I do not know where this could go other than down hill.

I have a total of two people in my life, a best friend and a father. Everything and everyone else is currently superficial and meaningless without exception. These two people are sure to remove themselves from my life within at least the next five years: the best friend will move away, the father will most likely be dead from heart complications. My mother has already died of lung cancer (I say this as I light up another cigarette in eternal remembrance of her most notable habit). I do not speak to my sister, and everyone else in my family is too neurotic or distant to have a relationship with.
I do not know how to form new relationships. As a matter of fact, I am entirely too paranoid to even try these days. I don't know how to make friends anymore. In a few years, I am likely to find myself with absolutely NO ONE in my life. No family, no friends, no relatiosnhips...NOTHING.
I don't understand the concept of human intimacy. I will sometimes get curious, but ultimately have no sense of it.

Because of my crippling social deformities, I have little to no ability to stand out to employers, and have very little job experience or the intiative to make up for my lack. It is unlikely that I will have a career well-paying or fulfilling enough to make up for my complete and total lack of relationships.

I am convinced that most psychiatric treatment options are harmful and threatening, and cannot force myself to go near a doctor. I would rather die than spend the rest of my life taking pills.

Beyond relationships and a career, I have only my self-destructive habits and my compulsive, long-standing documentation of them through stories and poems. Which counts for little in terms of my own satisfaction in life.
Conclusion: I have very little and am likely to lose even that. I feel incapable of acquiring my own and will soon have nothing. I can look forward to being a lonely street urchin in about ten years.

I might as well be dead already.

Last night, I was quite convinced, (out of the blue, mind you), that I would be killing myself soon. I don't know what kind of timeline "soon" has, but it just seemed really obvious at the time...I think I was expecting it within the next two or three years.
I didn't have the sense that I'd made a decision, more that I was foreseeing the inevitable, finally accepting of my fate. I wasn't too frightened, just kissed my (dad's) cat goodnight and went to bed.

I could elaborate on why life feels so overwhelming and exhausting, but I've already typed enough as it is. I seem to have an endless supply of things to say, and absolutely nowhere I feel I can vent ALL of them. Is there anywhere that could exist? I don't even think I'd have room in a private journal. I have entirely too much going on in my head...and it's all terrible.
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Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
:hug: I'm really glad you posted.

SF is a good place to say all of the things you want to say. If you think it is too much all at one go, do it bit by bit. You could do it in the Let It All Out forum in a thread, or in the subforum for a diary.

I was sorry to read that you've lost your mother and you are afraid your dad will die of heart disease sooner rather than later. Losing a parent is a hard blow.

I'm curious what has made you believe that most psychiatric treatments are harmful. People don't necessarily end up on pills for their whole lives. It really depends on the patient, the diagnosis, and the doctor. It might be worth finding out what they can or do suggest. It's definitely worth seeing a family doctor to rule out physical causes of depression anyway. :)

I hope you'll continue to post and tell us about your situation. Stay safe.
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