Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Feb 29, 2012.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am feeling so overwhelmed with all sorts of crazy emotions tonight. I have a whole heap of problems with my moods anyway but I am feeling atrocious tonight. I have recently been diagnosed HIV positive. I have been all sorts of crazy ill for the past few months and now I know this is the reason why. I had a gut feeling all along that this was what had been causing me to feel ill but doctors were not concerned so neither was I. I am not really surprised, my fiance is also HIV positive. But I tested negative around 9 months ago and I am kinda confused as to how I have contracted it seeing as we have been uber safe and I have not been exposed to the virus that I know of. I guess I am just unlucky.

    I have taken the news really well. My family seem more upset and gutted than I have been. It's not been a walk in the park by any means but I have been okay. I have not even cried over the diagnosis yet. I know it's not the end of the world and I know it's well controlled now and you live to be elderly these days. But the past couple of weeks I have been so busy that I haven't had time to really process the news. And tonight is the first time I have properly been alone and things are stewing. I look in the mirror with digust at myself. I feel dirty. My skin is all rashy and horrible. My hair is so thin and digusting. My tonsils are swollen again. I just keep looking in the mirror and HIV is screaming at me. I don't know why. I feel so unworthy and disgusting. I feel like I am the epitamy of the human race. And I am feeling that I don't want to live anymore. I am fed up of shit being added to the pile. There is only so much one can take.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi - I'm sorry you got such news and that you're feeling badly.

    I really don't have anything wonderful to say, but I hope you stay close to us, we love you, we care.

    You can vent whatever is on your mind, without criticism or condemnation.

    You've been so important to so many people, and have earned so much respect here.
  3. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    So sorry to hear that, AM…

    I know it's not the same thing but I made a mistake once and thought that I had been exposed and had to wait for the tests… I thought that I had it for sure and I know that it's really not such a great feeling. I can only imagine what is going on in your head right now.

    I can't do much more than offer you support and you're right when you say that if the test was accurate, then it's still a manageable illness… if you do everything right, you could still live a lot longer than people who smoke, or who drink too much, or who eat too much junk food. The social stigma is huge and that's going to be the tough part, but you're not gross and I really hope that you can get to a better place, mentally… I hope I haven't said the wrong thing and I wish I could do more for you right now.

    It sounds like you have a pretty good group of people around you but if you ever need to talk about anything with a complete stranger, then I would definitely be up for a chat sometime…
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    There probably isn't much I can say that will help, but you aren't unworthy or disgusting. You seem like a really kind and caring person. You have helped a lot of people here and we are here for you too. :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have tested positive for the HIV virus, but have you tested positive for full blown AIDS? Many people are HIV positive and are rarely sick and they can keep it under control with their cocktail of meds. What was once a death sentence is no longer. It doesn't make the diagnosis any less frightening as you are aware of what the possibilities could be. Allow yourself time to process what is going on and then take whatever steps you need to one at a time. Who knows what modern science may come up with in the near future. Remember we are here for you Lexi. :hug:
  6. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hi Amethyst, I understand how you feel. I am sick myself. my emotions have been all over the place. I hope you feel better, physicaly and emotionaly. hang in there.
  7. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    Lexi hon,

    I'm so sorry to hear about this. You're arent't disgusting. I promise, I've talked to ya many, many times, disgust is the last thing that comes to mind. . I know it's so different, but that's just my point of view.

    I dont pray hon, but you'll be in my thoughts. . I hope you take good care of yourself, cuz i know you know you can have a decent life. I'm really sorry. like a lot. you know we're here for ya, which we are... but hun, we're HERE for you.. If you need anything, can you let me know? if you just need to talk i offer you my ear. just anything. . . take care of yourself hon... i just read leftys post and i concur, that's what i was trying to say, but failing miserably... :hug:
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you for your kind words guys. Yesterday was the first day since I was diagnosed that I had time to think about everything and process everything and it got to me a lot.

    And gentlelady, I know the way the virus is treated/classified is different here to the USA. Here in the UK, AIDS does not exist anymore. What was AIDS is now advanced HIV related illnesses. This is to classify someone who may keep getting recurrent opportunistic HIV related infections such as pneumonia, CMV etc or develops illnesses such as Kaposi's Sarcoma and lymphomas because of the HIV. I know in America they define AIDS as the T cell CD4 count as being below 350. However, you can be well with a CD4 count of 50 so that is why AIDS is obsolete here now. Also, when on meds, someone who has a CD4 count of 50 and a viral load of say, 7 million, once treated on medication, their CD4 count can raise to around 600ish, even above and have a viral load of undetectable. It is true that people can live for years without a single problem. Some people who contract HIV may have a slow developing illness who may live for 20+ years without needing treatment, but others may need treatment within a year. I have been infected at some point in the last 9 months and my CD4 count is already at 434 (to start treatment the CD4 count has to be below 350 and the normal range is between 700-1000). It may be that it just stays at that level for a while but I keep picking up stuff and keep getting tonsillitis so I am unsure as to whether I will stay at this level.

    I just keep looking at myself in the mirror with disgust and I just feel really dirty. I know I shouldn't and I am just playing into stigma and prejudice's hands, but I can't help it.
  9. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Sorry you are having a hard time, dont pay attention to those stigmas and comments that are given towards the word HIV. you are a person worthy to be loved and cared for by others..my t-cell count is below 200. Its been hard for me to comprehend. I hope you hang in there and dont let it get you down.
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