I am feeling so overwhelmed with all sorts of crazy emotions tonight. I have a whole heap of problems with my moods anyway but I am feeling atrocious tonight. I have recently been diagnosed HIV positive. I have been all sorts of crazy ill for the past few months and now I know this is the reason why. I had a gut feeling all along that this was what had been causing me to feel ill but doctors were not concerned so neither was I. I am not really surprised, my fiance is also HIV positive. But I tested negative around 9 months ago and I am kinda confused as to how I have contracted it seeing as we have been uber safe and I have not been exposed to the virus that I know of. I guess I am just unlucky. I have taken the news really well. My family seem more upset and gutted than I have been. It's not been a walk in the park by any means but I have been okay. I have not even cried over the diagnosis yet. I know it's not the end of the world and I know it's well controlled now and you live to be elderly these days. But the past couple of weeks I have been so busy that I haven't had time to really process the news. And tonight is the first time I have properly been alone and things are stewing. I look in the mirror with digust at myself. I feel dirty. My skin is all rashy and horrible. My hair is so thin and digusting. My tonsils are swollen again. I just keep looking in the mirror and HIV is screaming at me. I don't know why. I feel so unworthy and disgusting. I feel like I am the epitamy of the human race. And I am feeling that I don't want to live anymore. I am fed up of shit being added to the pile. There is only so much one can take.