Overwhelming sadness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lookingforpeace, Nov 1, 2010.

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  1. lookingforpeace

    lookingforpeace New Member

    I've just about had enough of this sad life. I've been felling like this for the last couple of months but feel I'm at the end of my road now. I've spoke to the Samaritans and know that I should go to my doctor but pills would only prolong my sadness, I'm sure of that. I've been transferring some of my money to my daughter over the last couple of months, have left her notes on how things work ie washing machine, dishwasher etc and how to look after the pets. I've spoke to her, just in a general way, as to where everything is in the house ie will, insurance documents, details of bank accounts, bonds etc. I've left her enough money in an envelope with all my paperwork to get her over the first few weeks of me not being in her life. I've had my will updated last week and I'm happy that everything is in order for if/when the day comes. I just tell her that I'm not getting any younger and the day will come when I won't be here and she accepts that.

    My story? I just don't know where to start....the beginning of my troubles is probably the best place. I was a happly little boy until my father killed himself when I was 7 years old. It affected me profoundly, so much so that a year or so after his death, my mother moved us 300 miles away in the hope it would solve things. Of course, it didn't solve anything. I was so withdrawn that I found it very difficult to communicate with anyone, apart from my family, until my late teens. Looking back, I don't know how I got through those years but I did have a job and it helped a lot with my confidence as it was a job dealing with the public but It was such a harrowing time for me. I married when I was in my early 30's and we had a lovely daughter. Unfortunately my wife was diagnosed with cancer in 1999 and died in 2001, when my daughter was 10 years old. I was determined that my daughter wasn't going to go through what I went through but my dear mother died 6 months after my wife died and my beautiful dog had to be put to sleep 2 weeks after my mother died. Not a day has gone by in all those years that I don't think of my dad, wife, mother and dog. My 2 brothers died within 2 months of each other 3 years ago as well. I just feel so much guilt at watching everything I loved, die. It got so bad that my daughter got a hamster last Xmas and it died 1 week later. I was so distraught that my daughter was taken by surprise. She just doesn't have an inkling as to how I feel. I have tried to be strong for her over the years in order to get her through her young life without a mother and I'm really proud of how she has turned out but I'm not going to burden her now. She's 19 and at university and has her whole life in front of her but I'm just too tired. I know she would be strong enough to cope if I wasn't around. The only thing that I worry about is how my 2 dogs would cope without me. I know they wouldn't have the life they've had for the last couple of years if my daughter was looking after them. I took early retirement a couple of years ago in the hope that I could find something to do in my leisure time that I really wanted to do but it hasn't worked out that way. I'm just consumed by sadness and have realised that I've had this sadness for a very long time. To be honest, I don't really know why I'm here. Maybe writing it all down will help. I don't know
     
  2. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Why would you inflict upon your daughter, the kind of pain that is making you want to take your own life?
     
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Please don't do this Mark.

    You say your daughter is strong enough to survive without you, you can't know that - you are her closest family and doubtless has a huge bond with you. Please don't presume that she'd be OK, your father probably thought that you would manage OK without him when he went.

    Please go to your doctor, take it from me and my experience that it's a scary thing to have to make the appointment, but when you tell a health professional then there's a huge wave of relief.

    Pills do not prolong sadness, they allow you to react to problems with more reasoning and rationality and help you get over humps quicker.

    Writing it down will help, you have such a lot to live for, you have a 19 year old daughter who needs you.

    Send me a PM if you wanna talk about this privately, but please, don't give up.
    Chris
     
  4. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    You have done THE FIRST THING to recover from all these events my friend!

    YES .. Writing stuff down,getting it out helps IN WAYS YOU CANT IMAGINE!!

    I am terribly sorry you have had it so hard in your life,i cant imagine what your going thru (And have gone thru)

    I hope we can help you be a happier person :)

    God bless..
     
  5. lookingforpeace

    lookingforpeace New Member

    My daughter is a strong young woman, just like her mother was. I know she would be very sad if I wasn't here but I know she would cope. I've told her many times, of late, that one day that I won't be here and she's accepted that. I've seen people in my life when they're tired and had enough. My wife and mother had to go because of illness but I'm tired and have had enough because of something other than illness. I'm still tired and had enough though, the same as them. I don't want to hurt anybody but the pain and sadness has been building all through my life and I don't want anymore.
     
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You're getting confused by your daughter's reactions.

    I accept that my father will one day not be here. But I accept that on the premise that he'll die of natural causes or a health problem, not through taking his own life. It would crush me beyond anything else - and I've attempted suicide myself.

    I cannot force you to do anything - only offer advice and support, but the fact you've written it down on a public forum tells me there's part of you that wants to live, have you actually told your daughter how you feel? Fully?
     
  7. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yeah i bet your daughter thinks you are just talking about it like 30 years when you die of old age. Not that you are going to kill yourself.

    She will never get over it. If you don't want to hurt anybody, then don't kill yourself.

    People are only so strong, you will be pushing the boundaries of her strength... in thinking she will be ok.

    I get that you don't want to feel like this anymore, i do. But your daughter needs you and always will. Your death will destroy her.
     
  8. lookingforpeace

    lookingforpeace New Member

    I'm really sorry. I'm so upset and can't even cope with speaking to people on here. I know it shouldn't be like this and something's very, very wrong. Thank you all for trying to help but it's all too much for me.
     
  9. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I know it's hard - so very hard to talk about things - my private message box is always open - but please please please do not leave your daughter to pick up the pieces.

    You need to look after YOU and in doing so you'll be able to live a better life and be there for your offspring.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    THE PILLS will not prolong you sadness the pills will take the sadness to a dull ache so you can cope so you can enjoy your daughter and all her accomplishments and be here to walk her down the isle if she marries.

    You know dam well she will suffer the rest of her life if you go sorry but that is the bold face truth she will carry that pain to her grave it will eat away inside of her with every holiday every event she celebrates the loss of her father will take any joy away from her.

    Time to get help okay get the pills that will create the peace that you deserve get the therapy to help as well so your pain and sadness will finally be barable
    pill don't prolong sadness they help diminish it.

    take care of you okay as i know your love for your duaghter will not allow you to give her the pain you have lived with all your life.
     
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