Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xXWhateverItTakesXx, Mar 18, 2014.

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  1. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I can't do it...The other night had a massive panic attack in my bfs bathroom...He was banging and shouting and I could hear but not move...My breathing got heavier and faster, I was shaking and sweating but very cold. It lasted what felt like a lifetime..Then I was so very tired and I just wanted everything to end. Life isn't worth it. Nothing is worth the pain I have been through and am still going through. All I can think about is suicide and I just had the overwhelming rush earlier and I wanted nothing more than to just die. Just...be gone. I have been able to work through this in the past and coming here has helped but this time is different. I can't get through this...I might just be able to struggle on for a few more days to see my nan on her birthday but then it will happen. And I can't stop it, I don't have control anymore it's like my mind is taking over and there is nothing I can do. Not sure I will stay around here much longer, not that anyone would notice anyway (I know you will say "I will notice", but truly you will not) All except from one member, to whom I am sorry and I thank for the support recently (They know who they are)

    Now I have to face this hell called "life" and put back on my "mask";not that it's doing much good currently.
  2. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    True but have you ever thought about, say, the struggles of the poor, weak, and sick peoples of the Congo, or India? Have you ever thought about the experiences mentally ill people went two hundred years ago, or the agony of a girl with a plethora of neurological problems in a poor village in China, with little family support, barely able to sustain herself thru hard labor? I myself am suicidal, very depressed, and in a lot of pain, but I am sure its not that bad as you think it is for yourself at all, at least you have a boyfriend, I and many others are alone. Life is a hard struggle we will never be able to solve, there is always a struggle, even bacteria and molecules fight each other, its how the universe is. Once you understand this and see that you will always feel some degree of discomfort, and that you will be required to make effort and suffer pain, it might be somewhat easier.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    When the panic happens hun i know it is hard to fight through it i hope next time you will reach out and hold onto someone you do trust so the fear is not as a great
    Your Nan will not want you to leave her hun instead you talk to your doc or other team members to get you something to help you ok meds or therapy both even but you can heal hun it will take time
  4. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Comparing my issues with issues far beyond my control is silly. I understand there are people in poverty and dying and if I could I would give my life for them but I can't. Everyone deals with pain differently and to say my pain isn't as bad as theirs is unfair. It is just as bad but in a different way. It's bad enough that I don't want to live. Yes I have a bf but that doesn't mean im not alone. I find it hard to open up to him. I understand discomfort and I have lived with pain for many years. But I can only take so much. And don't you think I have made an effort?? You have no idea the sacrifices I have made and strength I have had to have, but now it's all gone. And I will be gone with it.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Whatever, Hi - we haven't met on here yet, and so I don't know if you've tried any sort of professional counselling. I know of a fantastic counsellor who has people phone him from different parts of the world - I could PM his details and you could look at his website if you'd like........

    I just so hope you will keep posting and let yourself be helped to see that life isn't one big pointless circle, although it can sure feel like that at times...... there is this thing called INSIGHT which has the effect of disrupting the circle and turning it into a spiral...... I do hope you will consider giving that a try :)
  6. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    Yes it seems that I was making a comparison but it was not my point, what I tried to point out is that we are never alone in this experience that we call life even thou we feel like it, and that it is normal for it to be a struggle because as it has been proven there is always a battle between different elements in a chaos of interaction, the universe is chaos and we are only small islands of some order. I too have made great effort in vain, as it has felt lost and wasted, and continue to do so because we have all learned that it is simply how it is some times for some of us. I suffer from constant debilitating pain, over five years, and nobody notices, nobody cares, and I cannot find much relief. I thought I had some ability to have decent life but that is fading away as my young years go by and I cannot get even a name for what has been happening to me. I feel like a joke, a waste, and just a lost cause all because of things that have never been under my control and understanding. I am sorry that I was not helpful, I wish I could change it for you thou.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    you do realize this sounds absurd. like your state of mine atm
    but do have hope and believe in your own strength and self. 'cause they're all still here. it's just weakness you're feeling 'cause otherwise you'd not be here or there, or anywhere.
    and if you believe then things will look up because your mind will also look up
  8. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    It is not absurd. I have been on these forums since 2007. Very few people actually know me, even though I have spent many nights in chat, helping everyone else. I just get forgotten about apart from when people want something. The small things like a PM or someone noticing it's my birthday would be great, but oh well. And my state of mind? Yes I am very depressed and suicidal but it seems its a disease without a cure. I have tried so many things and not got anywhere. Everything just gets worse. My panic attacks are getting worse, I have no confidence and can't do anything on my own. I feel like I'm climbing this mountain and always slipping never making it to the top.
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    just 'cause people do not know you doesn't mean they do not care or remember so yeah. and sometimes people do not know what to say or suspect but they still care and remember.
    also i can see your join date right there without you saying it.

    you mean you want more people to talk to? more people to notice? more people to write without you starting a convo?

    disease, idk about that. i mean idk if it is a disease or whatever. but it does have a cure
    i relate to not seeing many options but my relation, that's not a cure
  10. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Why are you being so bloody awakard and rude? It's not what I need atm. I have my cure. It's called "Death". Best cure there is. World is full of too many idiots and people who just enjoy hurting others. Not a world I want to be in anymore.
  11. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    must be a shit day. or must be 'cause people keep rejecting help when i give ok advice or make them think and 'cause they're awkward and rude to begin with

    and i don't tip toe

    and so i take my leave
    p.s. death is no answer
  12. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I haven't been rude or awkward at all.

    "also i can see your join date right there without you saying it."

    I was making a point. Don't be such a damn ass about it. That's not advice. Fuck sake. And people can't care without knowing me on the internet, because if no one gets to know me I am just a name.

    Ugh, I am so done with all this.

    "It's a good day to die".
  13. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    fuckssake yourself.
    and ass yourself too
    you were rude to me. all: i know more 'cause i been here longer
    so freakin' petty

    completely missed the advice, omfg
    i fucking care. i'm an example, else i'd not have bothered to reply

    seriously, not even gonna read this thread no more then
    go wallow then and search for people to indulge
  14. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Where was I rude? And you are MISSING MY GOD DAMN POINT! Did I SAY I know more cause I have been here longer? NO! I was saying since I have been here I haven't felt all that recognised so get over YOURSELF.

    "you do realize this sounds absurd. like your state of mine atm"- Because thats the NICEST possible way to put it, right?? Ha.

    I came here to share my feelings as sometimes it would help. I can see it won't this time. I am done dealing with this shit.
  15. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    Dont focus on the negatives of people please, we all can be rude but there surely has to be good intention at the core of people. Anyhow, this is what I believe sometimes and it helps even thou I might not know if its true.
  16. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    well said
  17. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I was just angry that he called me rude, when clearly it was him. Some people are just selfish and not helpful. Anyway nothings changed. Days are just counting down. Not long
  18. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    No, you deserve better! Good things will happen to you, good people will come into your life and even thou some things cant change know that it is not your fault and that you have the strenght to have compassion to yourself, to love who you are, to change how you do things. Simple things like changing routines, trying new positive activities can do wonders, building a different mindset. It is hard work but Look, Think, and Try and you will Find Good. It is there waiting for you!
  19. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Good things never happen. I have to do this....And soon.
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