Overworked + Lonely, and I feel very lost

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sa-chan, Apr 3, 2016.

  1. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hi everyone :)

    I guess this is going to be mostly a rant post but I'm honestly done with my life as it is now so I guess it's going to become a mess but I'll try my best to structure my post a bit.

    So first about my currently greatest problem: I am completely overworked. I'm a first year University student and I like my major but it just sucks that I have to work every fucking day (including weekends) during the semesters and still feel like I only accomplish and learn half of what I should. This because (a) it's just more than any sane person can handle (b) I'm constantly feeling tired (c) Sometimes I will feel overwhelmed and end up not doing anything at all (d) Sometimes I just don't get the stuff because the lecture is moving to fast (but guess what the other four lectures are so slow they don't even really require my attention at all).
    I know I should be taking off a day or at least half a day every week to rest and regain some energy, I should be exercising to gain some abs and also release some endorphins, I should also be solving more exercises to actually hand in some every now and then (I'm so glad this is not required at my school!), I should be learning more for my exams, I should be organizing my lecture notes, I should maintain a clean room and more funny stuff in the next point. It's just too much and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm lucky because I have my finances covered I guess since I still live with my Mom and the government pays me some (small) scholarship so I don't have to bother that much about that but it's still just too many things. In all this I don't have any time for myself at all and the crazy thing is that if for once I have time for myself I don't know what do anymore, I feel like I got completely lost in all this!

    So I guess this is already point two. I feel damn lonely. Now social anxiety always held me back getting to know many people even before Uni. But it's a fact that in soon a year I only got to know around 5-10 people at Uni and I don't really consider any of them to be a really close friend. I guess I'm ok with not knowing too many people at Uni though, because there wouldn't be enough time to talk with people anyway (also most don't even live in my city and just commute here during the semester). It's more a problem that I don't really see myself getting to know any people outside Uni either. Really when I don't have to go to Uni I don't go anywhere at all. I know I could go to the library, and I did this a couple times, but it's not like people go there to talk with other people and get to know them. Most are either only there to actually study or they are with friends they already know. People on some forums suggested me I should be looking into clubs and all, but first of all there aren't even that many at my Uni and second as said I don't even really know what I want to do anymore. I guess I'm ok with only having 2 or 3 friends from High School but as stupid it would be with my current life circumstances I still wished I had a boyfriend... :( So far every love I had was a one sided crush. That I'm gay doesn't make it any more likely for me to actually find someone. I tried online dating in the past but guess what were my problems (a) weird people on there, see potentially abusive partners everywhere (b) I don't even really know what I want in a relationship as said it probably would be just stupid right now (c) I'm absolutely boring, I don't really have a life after all. I wouldn't mind dating someone as boring as me but what are you supposed to talk with a person like that. Awkward silence because both people are boring as death? I can have conversations with people about Uni related stuff for hours, great, but this doesn't make me get to know people at all! I wouldn't mind answering a couple questions about myself but I guess it's mostly going to bore the other person.
    Now I know it's stupid to start a relationship or anything like that in my current situation since it could only go wrong. But it honestly doesn't change the fact that I always end up developing feelings for someone who in my eyes showed me a bit more attention than the average Joe. It sucks. It's really painful. I don't want this anymore. I now ended up crushing on an Anime character. I guess it's stupid but maybe you can figure how desperate I am in that regards...

    And lastly the feeling very lost part. I guess I mentioned it a couple times already but I really don't see a nice feature anymore. If I survive until then I will graduate in a couple years. It will probably just be painful to look back and realize that I mostly wasted these years too. I can't look back at all, even right now. But if I try to look into the future I just see the same void I expect to see in my past. I am feeling fucking done.

    Ok my rant is over. I guess I got more negative towards the end, sorry for writing all this shit here but it had to leave my head (although I don't expect it to not actually bother me again in like a couple hours or so you know). In case anyone is worrying I'm not actively suicidal because I still have some kind of (irrational) hope, I'm just in a lot of pain...

    Best regards

    PS: I'm not new on the forum but I have been inactive for more than a half year now. Just in case someone was wondering ;)
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear how you struggle at the moment, uni sounds so terribly stressful!
    I have to admit I don't know much about hun uni runs... but is there any way you could cut a bit down on classes to make it all a bit more manageable? It sounds like you have an insane schedule right now and I can't blame you for being stressed out.

    And about dating... what about finding someone who is also at uni, that way you have a place to start a conversation; I'm sure you're not a boring person at all! If you find the right person opening up should become easier.

    Please be kind to yourself, you already gave yourself a lot of answers in this rant. *hugs*
  3. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Thanks for your reply, Phantom Lady.

    The experience I have, that it's too much work at my Uni, isn't something that I'm alone with. Most of my fellow students feel at least somewhat uneasy with the amount of work we are given. I'm not sure if this is the intention (well the real intention is to reduce the number of students because this is a publicly funded school :)) but you'll effectively end up only attending things you feel helpful to attend and use the rest of the time to study. It's not like our school made schedule is crammed like with a couple other majors but you are expected to do and learn a lot on your own. Generally I think that's good but especially if you have trouble concentrating it can get really frustrating. I'm constantly fighting my perfectionism and I guess by now I might have even killed some parts of it. But on the other hand I now have the trouble that I'm slowly giving in to a lazy attitude (maybe because it's just too much for me) and it's getting really into my way. I can't really get myself to do the things properly that I should be doing. I know in some ways this is still me being a perfectionist, but what I do is definitely not perfect because right now I feel like I'm literally doing pretty much nothing... (Yes this attitude is a beast I need to kill but it lives so deep inside of me that it is pretty much impossible to kill it without ending up harming myself.)

    I did have conversations at Uni with people. But as said it's never anything personal. At times I asked people some little things or told them stuff about myself (maybe making them more comfortable saying something themselves) but the responses were usually short... I guess chances are I'm also speaking too much about random shit (like I am doing right now).

    To be honest I don't even want to think about my under-developed social life. It's sure not going to help it if I just neglect it like I did so far. But as long as I don't even know what I actually want from it (like say I had friends, I'm not even sure what I would like to do with them, just hanging out and talking about my boring life sounds pretty boring) I probably will never feel like what I have is good enough and so I don't really see it getting any better either. For as long as I cannot fix the cause of this issue I can only make sure it doesn't get a lot worse, which actually requires almost no attention given the current state. It's ironic that I'm neglecting this part of my life when I'm complaining I have no real life but yet I think it's a perfectly valid thing to do. I just don't know if I am ever going to figure out what I want or if I even want anything at all...

    So I don't know what kind of answers you saw in my post, because for every answer I may find I also have the exact opposite as an answer. I'm not sure if my attempt at explaining how conflicted I feel makes any sense (or if I haven't just lost my sanity already). Sorry for having been so negative to what you said, I guess this is just the way I am.
  4. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Hello sa-chan, have you tried joining online forums for those who share similar interests? Or joining relevant groups on meetup.com? Regarding finding a boyfriend, in my experience it's easier to date someone that you have cultivated 's close friendship with, so I'd focus on that first. I hope that you manage to find what you are looking for.
  5. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hi Flaxney

    I mostly used to kill my spare time on Reddit during the last year, but I guess I've grown tired of it because of its anonymous nature (not hiding behind a pseudonym is the problem, but it's more like every thread is with completely different people than the last one and you only rarely recognize the users again on there). Maybe I should look a bit into some dedicated forums but honestly I am not sure if this is going to make things any better or will just end with me wasting more of my time. There are actually a couple groups in my city on meetup.com (I'm surprised) though only very few tiny ones that would slightly interest me and right now I am not really confident in going to such a group...

    And I agree that it's better to date someone you built some connection with. My problem is that I will usually develop crushes for guys that show me (in my eyes) a little too much attention and when that happens I'm not able to keep my calm anymore and things always turn bad. Maybe it's for the best since most of the guys actually don't take romantic interest in me anyway and it would only be more painful to drag things out any further. So that's also kind of why I don't actually see myself in a relationship anytime soon.