Yesterday was my 26th birthday, and it made me think back on my life, back on all the loved ones I have lost to death, all the loved ones I have lost to mistakes I have made. All growing old seems to do is give me more to grieve, more pain to feel. I obsess over work in order to forget the pain, I indulge in all sorts of worldly pleasures trying to forget, but nothing takes away the pain, grief is always there. I know that many people say that it gets easier with time, that the grief mellows out, but no matter how deep the grief sinks, it is always one memory away from surfacing and ruining my life. I have lost so many that I have loved, both to death, and to distance and I just want to die. I want to escape all this pain. I am a Christian so I can't bring myself to actually try and commit suicide, but I desire it so much, I desire to be past this life of pain and sorrow. I have so many good things going for my life, a good job, a family, a great wife...but none of it dulls the terrible grief I feel from time to time. Most days I cope by pushing it down and letting the everyday things take over my attention, but other days the grief comes back and just makes me want to die. I don't know what I want from these forums, but I feel like I just need to cast the pain out there, admit to the anonymous internet that even though everything looks fine on the surface grief eats away at me.