Overwrought with grief, I want to die

[Beindaz]

Yesterday was my 26th birthday, and it made me think back on my life, back on all the loved ones I have lost to death, all the loved ones I have lost to mistakes I have made. All growing old seems to do is give me more to grieve, more pain to feel.

I obsess over work in order to forget the pain, I indulge in all sorts of worldly pleasures trying to forget, but nothing takes away the pain, grief is always there. I know that many people say that it gets easier with time, that the grief mellows out, but no matter how deep the grief sinks, it is always one memory away from surfacing and ruining my life. I have lost so many that I have loved, both to death, and to distance and I just want to die. I want to escape all this pain.

I am a Christian so I can't bring myself to actually try and commit suicide, but I desire it so much, I desire to be past this life of pain and sorrow.

I have so many good things going for my life, a good job, a family, a great wife...but none of it dulls the terrible grief I feel from time to time. Most days I cope by pushing it down and letting the everyday things take over my attention, but other days the grief comes back and just makes me want to die.

I don't know what I want from these forums, but I feel like I just need to cast the pain out there, admit to the anonymous internet that even though everything looks fine on the surface grief eats away at me.

 

[sudut]

I am a Christian so I can't bring myself to actually try and commit suicide, but I desire it so much, I desire to be past this life of pain and sorrow..

sorry this is how you feel.

 

[triedtoomanytimes]

That sounds such a dark and confusing place to be, a very painful place. Sometimes I think we try to find our place in this world but don't know what that place is that we want, or need. For myself, I'm not convinced talking actually helps, it gives a slight distraction, and that passes time, and with time we come to accept more of what is. Not everyone feels the same as that. Do as you say, and 'cast the pain out there', there are many people in the world who will listen, who care, who will not judge, but who will help you share some of the weight you carry.
I hope you can find the words to write on and share your grief.

 

[41021]

just want you to know, you are not alone in how you are feeling, in regard to losing loved ones.
I can relate to that, and to the impact it has on one's life. I have created a very good life for myself, never been someone who is down, but i no longer feel
connected to to my life, as the grief and associated issues, i dunno it is too much pain and has pushed me deep into isolation/insulation. i used to be able to focus on my work, pour myself into it, but i now only manage urgent situations, have dropped most everything else.

I've not found that it gets easier with time, although some folks do. When there were just a few losses i managed. i was able to frame things properly, grieve, and find a way to honor those people in my daily life, but then, well, then some heavy things happened and it became too much.

I hope you are able to find folks here to talk to and share with. There are awesome folks here at SF, and several i can think of, who have similar experiences/feelings regarding loss/grief.

Have you tried any grief/loss support groups? Some of the larger cities, depending upon where you live, have decent groups from what i understand.

i apologize if i'm not making much sense at the moment. Difficulty focusing.

((gentle hug)) if you want it.